I think it depends. Therapy can in some cases make it easier to deal with issues, or it can clarify that there is just a fundamental issue that makes the relationship not work. In the latter case, it is still probably better to know and deal with it.

Does it depend on the underlying issues? My DH and I are in counseling. He wants to leave, and he says he is checked out but he has not actually left and still takes me out to dinner, kisses me, has sex with me, has long conversations with me, etc. While in the session, he can't even say that he is conflicted that he wants to leave, but there must be something stopping him from just walking out and he says he actually has no logistical plan on how to leave. I am at a complete and utter loss about the situation, but I think that the underlying issues are probably important - so if your spouse cheats and that is really a deal breaker for you, it might not work no matter how hard you try, but if it is really just fighting because you aren't communicating, maybe therapy can really help. In my situation, we just had terrible communication for years, I was very angry with him, and he just bottled everything up to the point that he now just wants to leave though he never talked to me about all of his unhappiness for the past several years. So I am pretty pessimistic about our chances, but am clinging to a sliver of hope.

I threw thousand of dollars down that rat hole before I quit therapy. All that happened during our sessions was for us to complain about each other, but we never really worked out anything while there. I also through thousands down the individual therapy hole, which did significantly improve my ability to deal with my marriage.

Then I read the book "how to improve your marriage without talking about it", DH and I both changed jobs and low and behold, we are together and good. It's been 5 years since I walked out of marriage counseling and I haven't looked back (except once when DH and I had an issue that had me infuriated).

Therapy helped my marriage a lot. The key is finding the right therapist. Our first therapist just wasn't helpful at all. She wasn't married and I wonder if that had something to do with it. Our second therapist was a man, married for over 30 years and he was actually very good.

Our therapist didn't solve the underlying problems, but she validated both of our feelings and helped us learn how to address the issues.

Example: I was telling H that he wasn't doing anywhere near enough work at home or with the kids. I didn't realize that he didn't know what I did, wasn't used to being proactive to look for what needed to be done, but just passively waited to be told. He heard from the therapist that I viewed that passive role as weak and as being subordinate, and that I didn't want to tell him what to do. It's by no means perfect now, but at least he has a better understanding of why I got so upset.

I think that's a pretty stupid metaphor since I wouldn't put saving a marriage and working out on the same level of priorities. But having said that, your metaphor just isn't complete. To the extent is is like having a gym membership, well let's say you have been unfit your entire life and don't know how to get started. You eat poorly and you have no idea how to work out safely and effectively. So the gym membership comes with access to trainers and a nutritionist. Why not use these tools to help yourself???

Most humans just aren't that self-aware or even if they are, they are stuck in certain patterns that they can't get out of it. Or stuck with their own perspective. You times that by 2 people and you've got a complicated situation. A good therapist can help you see your own patterns of behavior and feelings, as well as your husbands. A good therapist can help you both learn to communicate with each other. A good therapist can you both heal and move forward with new strategies. As the PP above says, it does take a lot of work. But if you don't know how to do it than you're not getting anywhere. There's no need to struggle alone.

The key is to find a good therapist. Not all of them are. Get recs. And if someone isn't working for you, find another.

No. I would equate therapy to buying a gym membership. You have access to the gym and a bunch of machines. You have all the tools you need to workout. Problem is you won't get fit without actually working out. You need to work on your marriage to save it. Work like you do at your career or hobbies. You have to treat it the same way.

I see Marjorie Strachman at dupont circle. My husband had an emotional affair. I didn't think I could ever speak to him again, let alone trust him and want to share the rest of our lives together. It took a year of weekly visits. Can it work? Absolutely. WILL IT WORK FOR YOUR MARRIAGE? Maybe, maybe not. But if you don't even try it, it certainly won't.

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend a good therapist in DC near downtown or Cap Hill preferably?

+1

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have always been pretty incompatible (extrovert-introvert But always made it work. Then boom, we both hit our 40s and DH becomes more and more unsatisfied with the way things are. He starts pushing for a separation and divorce. So we go into therapy. We've been doing it for 2 months now. We have our ups and downs. But the more I am doing it, the more unsure I am if it is doing us any good. Has therapy helped anyone here, on DCUM?

Nothing saves anything without wanting to be saved. In the case of a marriage, both people have to be seeking solutions. Doesn't matter if one has a desire level of 9 and the other 7...they both want it more than not. If your DH is doing so without a significant interest...he's at a 3...it isn't likely to do any good. Sometimes people agree to go with a minor interest/desire, sometimes it is also as a means to be able to say...tried it and it didn't work.

BTW...extrovert/introvert...is not always incompatible...sometimes they provide a very strong union.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience both people have to be committed to giving 100% . In my situation, I am giving it my all, but my spouse does not take it very seriously and likes to down play how miserable we both are. My gut tells me that we will end up divorced. I can't control how much effort the other person is giving and at a certain point I have to make a decision.

Your spouse has checked out and doesn't want to be the one who calls it quits.

Yes, this is my conclusion, although they claim they are still giving it their all and love me. Actions certainly speak volumes.

Anonymous wrote:In my experience both people have to be committed to giving 100% . In my situation, I am giving it my all, but my spouse does not take it very seriously and likes to down play how miserable we both are. My gut tells me that we will end up divorced. I can't control how much effort the other person is giving and at a certain point I have to make a decision.

Your spouse has checked out and doesn't want to be the one who calls it quits.

Sounds like a cult. "God didn't give you what I promised because you just didn't believe hard enough."

In my experience both people have to be committed to giving 100% . In my situation, I am giving it my all, but my spouse does not take it very seriously and likes to down play how miserable we both are. My gut tells me that we will end up divorced. I can't control how much effort the other person is giving and at a certain point I have to make a decision.

Anonymous wrote:They say that couples go to therapy 6 years too late. That's why so many couples who go to therapy still end up divorced. If you broke your leg and hobbled around on it for 6 years, it's really hard to fix it.

The key is to get into therapy soon, don't wait for the little dings to create permanent damage. And see a good therapist. If we had to go, I'd go to one that is Gottman trained.

Good Luck!

+1
This!