Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is what Uber is perfect for. I'm not kidding--arrange for transportation that doesn't require you or your DH to participate. That way, your mom gets to see her brother without requiring interaction between you or your DH and him.

It's a five hour drive.

Your DH was going to drive 10 hours just to have your mom visit her asshole brother?! The man is a saint but that is ridiculous. No way.

He was going to eat yummy food, lounge in the pool, and get a break from changing diapers, so he was ok with it! He doesn't give a shit about my family drama really.

Anonymous wrote:You can't change what your mom does but you do not have to take her to visit and you do not have to allow him and his family to stay in your home. And be honest when it comes up. "I will not let asshole uncle stay with me because he is a dick to my mom. End of story."

This may result in some consequences from your extended family so you'll need to think through what those might be and what you're willing to lose.

This is true. However, if the uncle and his family are immigrating and planning on visiting DC, it is best to establish boundaries now before expectations become established regarding OP's subservience to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is what Uber is perfect for. I'm not kidding--arrange for transportation that doesn't require you or your DH to participate. That way, your mom gets to see her brother without requiring interaction between you or your DH and him.

It's a five hour drive.

Leave her with family and go to Starbucks or Barnes and Noble or the movies. Go do some local sight-seeing. Go shopping. Whatever it takes.

Or bring a Kindle or other electronic device and retreat to your bedroom at your aunt's house. Only come out for meals.

She's not a sullen teen. People need to stand up for things at some point, don't they?

Now that I hear it's five hours each way, that's asking a bit too much of the husband.

You can't change what your mom does but you do not have to take her to visit and you do not have to allow him and his family to stay in your home. And be honest when it comes up. "I will not let asshole uncle stay with me because he is a dick to my mom. End of story."

This may result in some consequences from your extended family so you'll need to think through what those might be and what you're willing to lose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is what Uber is perfect for. I'm not kidding--arrange for transportation that doesn't require you or your DH to participate. That way, your mom gets to see her brother without requiring interaction between you or your DH and him.

It's a five hour drive.

Leave her with family and go to Starbucks or Barnes and Noble or the movies. Go do some local sight-seeing. Go shopping. Whatever it takes.

Or bring a Kindle or other electronic device and retreat to your bedroom at your aunt's house. Only come out for meals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is what Uber is perfect for. I'm not kidding--arrange for transportation that doesn't require you or your DH to participate. That way, your mom gets to see her brother without requiring interaction between you or your DH and him.

It's a five hour drive.

Your DH was going to drive 10 hours just to have your mom visit her asshole brother?! The man is a saint but that is ridiculous. No way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is what Uber is perfect for. I'm not kidding--arrange for transportation that doesn't require you or your DH to participate. That way, your mom gets to see her brother without requiring interaction between you or your DH and him.

It's a five hour drive.

Leave her with family and go to Starbucks or Barnes and Noble or the movies. Go do some local sight-seeing. Go shopping. Whatever it takes.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're trying to judge the actions of your non-American family by American standards. I don't know enough, but I would bet that your uncle's actions are considered perfectly acceptable and even right by his country's standards. Your mother most likely doesn't look at things the way you do because she was raised there. You have to let this go. And, you have to be the daughter your mother needs you to be, even if you have to hold your nose while doing it.

Many people around the world think that the American way of doing things is wrong.

Many people around the world live in substandard shitholes and force women to wear beekeeper suits. Not all cultures are equal.

Don't go out of your way for this asshole. Maybe his behavior is standard operating procedure in his country, but he's immigrating here. Try to give your mother what she needs, but If he's interested in seeing her- he can make that happen. I wouldn't feel the least bad if it was clear what you think about him and his treatment of your mother. You have a right to be angry and think he's a piece of shit. Eventually for your mental health you need to move past those feelings, but they are justified. You'll also feel bad if you are in any way accommodating to him. Try to give him no time and attention. He doesn't even really deserve your rage.

OP, I have put my foot down on this kind of nonsense when no one in my immediate family would. I am a introvert by nature but I also hate to see people continue to be mistreated just in the name of family harmony. As you are now experiencing, the resentment builds until you are seething with rage and it affects your happiness. I decided that I would only do what I was willing to do without resentment.

For example, I used to drive down for hours to meet up with my sister and her ILs when they were in the state for a trip. Even though my sister and I had made plans to spend the day, invariably her ILs would come up with a better idea and our plans were pushed aside for theirs. It had been a pattern since they had started dating and it made me enormously resentful. After this happened when I had young children along, I decided "Enough!" From then on, I only got together with my sister and her ILs when we happened to be in the area and would go ahead with our plans whether they joined us or not. My resentment disappeared. OP, decide what you can control and are willing to do for your mother with regard to your uncle's family that won't make you resentful. If that is nothing, then do nothing and tell your mom why. That's why I mentioned Uber in the earlier post. Sometimes there is a solution that is bearable.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is what Uber is perfect for. I'm not kidding--arrange for transportation that doesn't require you or your DH to participate. That way, your mom gets to see her brother without requiring interaction between you or your DH and him.

Yes, get her a cab. You don't have to do this.

-daughter of an immigrant

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is what Uber is perfect for. I'm not kidding--arrange for transportation that doesn't require you or your DH to participate. That way, your mom gets to see her brother without requiring interaction between you or your DH and him.

It's a five hour drive.

OP, this is what Uber is perfect for. I'm not kidding--arrange for transportation that doesn't require you or your DH to participate. That way, your mom gets to see her brother without requiring interaction between you or your DH and him.

Anonymous wrote:OP - why can't you calmly confront him and ask him why he can't help your mother sell the land? And keep pushing him until you get a satisfactory answer. He is using the system in place to keep power and control and needs to be called out on it.

And no way would I host this scum in my home.

I honestly do not think I could say anything to him in a calm manner. Honestly, I hate him that much. And either way, we're still all at his mercy to get him to sell the land, if that's what I actually want (I consider the land a lost cause really- I just want these people out of my life). My original plan was to take my mother over there and make myself scarce, as the pp above suggested, but now I don't know that I can do that. I am literally seething with rage now, and it's a month before I have to see them.

OP, I would take my mother to see her relatives, but make myself scarce during the visit. I would NOT have them visit me at my home.

Stand up, talk to him and tell him what you think is fair of him to do regarding your mother, and that until he does right by your mother, you don't want to be around him. Let everyone know where you stand, and having said your piece, step back and be at peace. When your mom wants to visit with him and your husband is kind enough to take her, this is a good thing. That part of it is not your issue.