Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay there if she doesn't live there and it has been empty and dusty and gross for a while. She's probably ashamed and embarrassed about the state it's in.

Because I want to help BIL clean it. He has so far done a very poor job and it's been over a year and it is obvious he needs help getting it in order. I am hoping that us staying there in December will give him an additional incentive to get it done and not just the probate deadline. We have offered many times to help him clean but he always says he needs to "think" about it.

Anyway, you are all right. I will let them sort it all out and spend the time in Phoenix going to the Scottsdale fashion mall and going to the spa at our hotel. Not much else to do in Phoenix in July and better than cleaning!

Why would you want to stay there if she doesn't live there and it has been empty and dusty and gross for a while. She's probably ashamed and embarrassed about the state it's in.

Anonymous wrote:

OP,

1. If it were *my* family, I would assume that BIL didn't want you to notice (or steal) valuables inside it, which would unaccountably not have made it into the final paperwork...

2. Or that they are very private and uncomfortable with the idea of someone seeing the work-in-progress, and having people disarrange things (even though to you it might look like a mess, maybe he has some sort of organization).

Either way, there is no way you can insist - it doesn't sound too salubrious to begin with. But in reference to point 1, see if you can't poke around when he's not looking during that week...

Nah. BIL is a good guy and honest to a fault. He is obviously overwhelmed and grief stricken... But has never been a cleaner. His house is a mess too. Never married. No kids. Close to his parents.

yes, you are being incredibly unreasonable.

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your MIL has a hoarding problem explains a lot. Hoarders can have huge amounts of shame about their home. Also, have you seen those hoarding shows? They want to keep tight control of all their possessions, and get agitated if they think someone might make a decision without them. MIL might be comfortable giving control to BIL, who is already intimately familiar with the mess. She may want to keep you out to preserve some degree of control or dignity.

Yes, I've seen the hoarding shows and while she is not a level 3 hoarder, more like a level 1, she suffers from the same mental issues. At this point, she has nothing to do with the house and has not been there in over a year. The house has to be cleaned out whether she likes it or not but BIL is dragging it out. If he would let me help him by throwing stuff out and cleaning instead of digging around looking for the "important" stuff it will make the process a lot quicker but he has issues about throwing the garbage out.

My mil mainly hoarded paper and according to BIL every single piece has to be examined before being thrown out. The assisted living facility keeps an eagle eye on mil to make sure she does not revert to her hoarding ways but BIL seems to have similar issues when it comes to the family home.

I know they want to hang on to the garbage bc it was the status quo when FIL was alive so I am going to leave it alone. At the very worst, they can keep the house "as is" and buy out DH for his share which will be fine with us.

The fact that your MIL has a hoarding problem explains a lot. Hoarders can have huge amounts of shame about their home. Also, have you seen those hoarding shows? They want to keep tight control of all their possessions, and get agitated if they think someone might make a decision without them. MIL might be comfortable giving control to BIL, who is already intimately familiar with the mess. She may want to keep you out to preserve some degree of control or dignity.

OP - I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.

I think it makes sense for you to stay (for free) in house. No one is there; it is cheaper; it is larger than hotel room.

OP,

1. If it were *my* family, I would assume that BIL didn't want you to notice (or steal) valuables inside it, which would unaccountably not have made it into the final paperwork...

2. Or that they are very private and uncomfortable with the idea of someone seeing the work-in-progress, and having people disarrange things (even though to you it might look like a mess, maybe he has some sort of organization).

Either way, there is no way you can insist - it doesn't sound too salubrious to begin with. But in reference to point 1, see if you can't poke around when he's not looking during that week...

OP - you said you're stepping back so STEP BACK. this is not your life. these people are dealing with issues and you are passing judgment and complaining about getting a hotel. we get it - you spend money to visit, you hate visiting, you would rather be elsewhere - and I'm sure they get it too. as you already said, you don't care about the house so leave it alone and just drop it already

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's a better idea, skip the trip and stay home and save the money. [/quote]

How will not going be helpful? My DC is the only grandchild in DH's family. Honestly, we don't like Phoenix but visit out of obligation. I would love to just stay home or only visit my family who are not so rigid and neurotic and make their kids and grandkids stay at hotels.[/quote]

OP, please read through comments again. You've asked a question but you're not listening to the answer. This woman lost her husband and her entire life is in flux, have some compassion. Maybe she doesn't want your "help" cleaning because she's afraid you'll throw out things that are important to her. Would you want her going through your home independently and decide what's treasure and what's trash? Probably not. Just get a hotel and for God's sake, muster up some kindness in your heart. And honestly, from your responses alone, someone could easily describe YOU as "rigid and neurotic". [/quote]

I have decided to step back and not do anything. MIL has a hoarding issue and this is the reasons her DH and she are at the assisted living facility. Her DH had Alzheimer's and had BIL not taken them out of the house, social services would have. FIL passed away in hospice care over a year and a half ago and by law, BIL was suppose to settle the estate by this May but got an extension until Novemver. These are deadlines set by probate for the estate to be settled and not something we made up.

Mil has not been at the house in over a year and BIL was supposed to have the house cleaned out by May but really has not done anything. We have offered to help him several times and been refused. For the cost of our hotel bills, we could have had a cleaning crew there and had the house cleaned out several times over. BIL obviously has issues with letting things go too.

We and BIL have no interest in the house but BIL goes to the house everyday to "check" on it (and complains about having to do so). Mil will never again live there but will be in assisted living for the foreseeable future. She no longer drives.

Basically, we have been at this impasse since FIL died. Nothing is happening. No one is cleaning. The deadline is set for November. I was hoping our offer of help to clean the house would be accepted on this visit but no, nothing. I thought maybe us staying there over Christmas would get BIL on the ball but apparently not.

Anyway, I'm just going to step back and see if there will be another extension when November comes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a better idea, skip the trip and stay home and save the money.

How will not going be helpful? My DC is the only grandchild in DH's family. Honestly, we don't like Phoenix but visit out of obligation. I would love to just stay home or only visit my family who are not so rigid and neurotic and make their kids and grandkids stay at hotels.

OP, please read through comments again. You've asked a question but you're not listening to the answer. This woman lost her husband and her entire life is in flux, have some compassion. Maybe she doesn't want your "help" cleaning because she's afraid you'll throw out things that are important to her. Would you want her going through your home independently and decide what's treasure and what's trash? Probably not. Just get a hotel and for God's sake, muster up some kindness in your heart. And honestly, from your responses alone, someone could easily describe YOU as "rigid and neurotic".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
you are tone deaf

How so?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
you are tone deaf

How so?

They don't want you in the house.Period.
I can think of a million reasons why .
- sentimental reasons, cannot stomach having somewhere there now that DH is gone and I am in assisted living
- house is a mess, you have not helped clean it up, dint want more mess
- house is being cleaned out, stuff is being organized by room, do not want stuff moved around
- electric is off and they have not told you
- they don't want you there for reasons that are none of your biz
I'm a cheap heffa, but dayyuuuummm, I would totally get them saying no.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being a little unreasonable. People are funny about their houses, guests and what their comfort level for things is. MIL's house, MIL's rules.

Meanwhile, start staying in a VRBO house instead of hotel. MUCH cheaper!

Will do! I don't know why I want to help when it is obvious no one wants it! I don't even like cleaning but felt bad for them. The VRBO sounds like a good idea, thanks!

You think you are helping, but they think you are adding to the burden, OP. That is the issue here.

This is helpful. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:Here's a better idea, skip the trip and stay home and save the money.

How will not going be helpful? My DC is the only grandchild in DH's family. Honestly, we don't like Phoenix but visit out of obligation. I would love to just stay home or only visit my family who are not so rigid and neurotic and make their kids and grandkids stay at hotels.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being a little unreasonable. People are funny about their houses, guests and what their comfort level for things is. MIL's house, MIL's rules.

Meanwhile, start staying in a VRBO house instead of hotel. MUCH cheaper!

Will do! I don't know why I want to help when it is obvious no one wants it! I don't even like cleaning but felt bad for them. The VRBO sounds like a good idea, thanks!

You think you are helping, but they think you are adding to the burden, OP. That is the issue here.