Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 16:37     Subject: Would you want to know?
Yes, you should've told her long ago.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 16:31     Subject: Re:Would you want to know?
Anonymous wrote:This isn't 100% analogous, but my entire childhood I thought my maternal grandfather (whom I am very close to) was biologically related to me. When I was 21 (and randomly sitting in the airport with my dad), my dad explained to me that my biological grandfather died in a car crash when my mom was around 4, and my grandmother married my grandfather a couple years later. It only made me love my grandfather more, and see what a wonderful man he is. I think finding out at that age was fine since I was adult enough to understand what everthing met, and didn't feel like my whole understanding of my mom's life was a lie.

That said, I've never been able to talk to my mom about it (more than 10 years later). In your case, if I was in the child's shoes, I'd want this info to come from my mom, and then set up a time for the three of us (mom, dad and child) to talk about it. Also talk about who this information should be shared with - the information about my grandfather is only something I share with people who are very close to me.


Same here. And finding out made me love him 10x more because it's hard to take in a child that isn't your own and treat them identical to your real children.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 16:25     Subject: Re:Would you want to know?
Anonymous wrote:
If you're not the parent, then I don't think it's your responsibility to tell. But if you're NOT the parents, then clearly other people outside the family know, so the daughter will find out eventually.

OP here. Very, very few individuals outside the family know. Even the family members who know live so far away, and most of them have no clue whether the child knows the truth by this time. How would they know whether the parents already shared the truth with the child? It's just a topic that never comes up in the rare conversations they all have, since so many years have passed and they see each other so rarely.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 15:49     Subject: Re:Would you want to know?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, dear posters, for sharing your thoughts.

Anonymous wrote:
What is it about families and secrets? Why wouldn't you tell him?

Couldn't find the right time I guess. You wouldn't talk about that with a baby, and then the siblings were born, the family moved to a different country where nobody knows the story anyway and no people who know the story were around, so there was no chance that anybody could inform the child. Then didn't want to discuss that with a teenager because they go through a difficult transition anyway.


If you're not the parent, then I don't think it's your responsibility to tell. But if you're NOT the parents, then clearly other people outside the family know, so the daughter will find out eventually. BTW, I'd want to know if I were her, but I think it absolutely needs to come from the parents.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 15:18     Subject: Would you want to know?
Hmm. I'd tell, if only because as genetic testing becomes more prevalent, you may get found out anyway. But, I don't think that's the only reason you should tell. She has a right to know. I agree with PP that you should discuss with a therapist the best way to approach. It's going to be hard on all of you for a while, but you were the ones who made the decision to hid the truth from her in the first place.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 14:51     Subject: Would you want to know?
Anonymous wrote:I have two half-sisters. We all have different fathers. I don't know who my real father is and my mother won't tell me! This is one of the main reasons that I cut off all communications with her. She has mental issues that she complicates by drinking.


so sorry to hear this There is way more to this, though, than your mom not sharing who your birth father is. Hope you are receiving therapy yourself - sounds like your mother never was very stable.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 14:21     Subject: Would you want to know?
I have two half-sisters. We all have different fathers. I don't know who my real father is and my mother won't tell me! This is one of the main reasons that I cut off all communications with her. She has mental issues that she complicates by drinking.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 13:13     Subject: Re:Would you want to know?
OP here. Thank you, dear posters, for sharing your thoughts.

Anonymous wrote:
What is it about families and secrets? Why wouldn't you tell him?

Couldn't find the right time I guess. You wouldn't talk about that with a baby, and then the siblings were born, the family moved to a different country where nobody knows the story anyway and no people who know the story were around, so there was no chance that anybody could inform the child. Then didn't want to discuss that with a teenager because they go through a difficult transition anyway.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 13:06     Subject: Re:Would you want to know?
They should be told, but I would work with a therapist who can help you navigate as it will rock this person's world. It's a lot to take in and they will need time to process and ask questions.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 13:03     Subject: Would you want to know?
we have a nephew who isn't really our nephew by blood. The whole family knows but him. His mom sucks anyway, but she sucks even worse for keeping him in the dark for so long.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 13:00     Subject: Re:Would you want to know?
Anonymous wrote:I would like to know. This happened to my friend and she found out when she needed a blood transfusion. She was the only in her family with a type of blood. Kind of sad.


this. You really never know how she might find out, in all kinds of bizarre unexpected ways.

Don't keep her in the dark any longer. You don't want her to resent you at any point.

I think it is wonderful that her father that raised her has been so supportive and always treated her like nothing was different. I think that will be a big plus when you do share this information.

But, honestly, she has a right to know. You never know if she felt like something was off. This might fill in a missing piece of her story for her.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 12:53     Subject: Re:Would you want to know?
Anonymous wrote:I vote for never, as long as there is no chance of finding out inadvertently. Or I suppose if that happens, Mother and Father should both act surprised. I can't see any good coming of this, although I'm sure many people will say the child has a right to know. Maybe, that doesn't make it a good idea. What's the point? It's potentially very upsetting and can have far too many ramifications.


+1
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 12:53     Subject: Would you want to know?
No.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 12:53     Subject: Re:Would you want to know?
I would like to know. This happened to my friend and she found out when she needed a blood transfusion. She was the only in her family with a type of blood. Kind of sad.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2015 12:46     Subject: Re:Would you want to know?
YES!

What is it about families and secrets? Why wouldn't you tell him?

Stop keeping secrets from your kids. Imagine him somehow finding out on his own (gosh, was at the hospital and needed blood, find out that neither dad nor mom have the same blood type - huh, that's weird...)

I'd be very unhappy to learn that my parents had been keeping this information a secret. Wouldn't change my feelings for my step-dad knowing he was a step dad and not biological - but it's about ME and my life, I feel like I have a right to know who my own father is. Sheesh!