Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 23:14     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was raped by my BIL when I was 17. My sis had 1 son with him at the time. My nephew is now married and having a baby (baby shower this wknd). I was invited to the wedding 3 years ago but didn't attend because his father (ex-BIL that raped me) is now a pastor and was performing the ceremony. Now, the baby shower in which his father has also been invited to attend. I've decided to not attend that either. The question is now DD is questioning why I do not attend my nephews events and thinks I'm being rude. She wants to go (all her cousins will be there). I have forgiven him, but don't want to socialize with him or even be in the same room with him. I also have one sister that does not attend any event that he is at either.

I'm not sure what my nephew knows (he was only 2 at the time), and it has always been this dark cloud over the family. Should I tell my DD? I don't want her to think badly about me or her Aunt (my sister). Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA!


OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I completely understand your feelings. Have you spoken with the other sister who doesn't attend these events? Was she raped as well?

I would talk to a rape counselor about how to address this with your DD. If you tell her something vague as "ex-BIL hurt me," she will probably put two and two together.


This is the sister that told me he was invited to the event and would be attending. She wasn't raped, but she doesn't want to see him either (my 2 sisters and him were all very good friends - he lived across the street from us before he dated/married my sister).

I'm done with rape counselors! I had 2 male counselors tell me I was most likely dressed too provocatively that evening.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 22:18     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
Anonymous wrote:How can someone prosecuted for stat. Rape become a pastor?


Anyone can become a pastor even horrible, crazy people like Fred Phelps.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 21:38     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
How can someone prosecuted for stat. Rape become a pastor?
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 21:19     Subject: Re:Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
Anonymous wrote:This man is an X-BIL, right? Do you still consider him to be a threat? If no, and you've forgiven him, I think it's wrong to punish your nephew and family by not attending.

Why was he not prosecuted?


Are you serious? You think she should attend an event with her rapist?????
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 21:10     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
I disagree. There is some seriously messed up shit in this world. I don't think it's doing your kid any favors by sheltering her from it. Tone it down and don't give details, but give her some insight. You were basically her age when this happened to you. She's on the precipice of womanhood, and she needs to be aware of some sad truths.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 20:38     Subject: Re:Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen


OP - Given that your daughter is just at the dating and relationship age herself, I think it would do more damage to her view of boys etc. as well as having to process such information herself. And, often, teens turn to the friends which would do neither one of you any favors. You took a wise course of action for yourself30 years ago and best to simply keep on that path now. If really pressed, say it has been your decision since divorce never to see him, but you do enjoy seeing your sister and nephew and have them to your home at other times with family.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 19:24     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
Anonymous wrote:I was raped by my BIL when I was 17. My sis had 1 son with him at the time. My nephew is now married and having a baby (baby shower this wknd). I was invited to the wedding 3 years ago but didn't attend because his father (ex-BIL that raped me) is now a pastor and was performing the ceremony. Now, the baby shower in which his father has also been invited to attend. I've decided to not attend that either. The question is now DD is questioning why I do not attend my nephews events and thinks I'm being rude. She wants to go (all her cousins will be there). I have forgiven him, but don't want to socialize with him or even be in the same room with him. I also have one sister that does not attend any event that he is at either.

I'm not sure what my nephew knows (he was only 2 at the time), and it has always been this dark cloud over the family. Should I tell my DD? I don't want her to think badly about me or her Aunt (my sister). Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA!


OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I completely understand your feelings. Have you spoken with the other sister who doesn't attend these events? Was she raped as well?

I would talk to a rape counselor about how to address this with your DD. If you tell her something vague as "ex-BIL hurt me," she will probably put two and two together.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 19:16     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen

It's tough, OP, and I'm extremely sorry to hear about the outcome of the trial. I wish that he had been found guilty of rape, not statutory rape, as this would probably have changed how family members approached the issue at the time.

I would say, you know your child best. If it were my oldest child, I would have told him, because he has always been extraordinarily mature, inquisitive, psychologically stable, and already knows way more than most people of his age. But if your child has led a more sheltered existence, then you should say something more vague.

I would not tell her *nothing*, but that's just me. I can't bear it when people close to me keep obviously important info from me, and as a teen, that would have enraged me. I always tell the truth or part of the truth to my kids.

Stay strong.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 19:12     Subject: Re:Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
I'm sorry that happened to you, OP.

I agree with other suggestions that the full story isn't necessary - just that he did something awful to you when you were a teenager and you don't want to be around him. Since this creep is now in a position of trust, please consider anonymously reporting him to his church so that he can't prey on anyone else.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 19:04     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
She is too young to process that kind of information is my guess. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 19:03     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
Do not tell her now. 16 is too young.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 18:16     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
I told my kids something similar when they were 23 and 26. It was hard having them think for years I was just shutting certain family out, but I didn't know when to say. They seemed ready at that age and were very supportive. You could say something like a pp said - he hurt you badly, and you aren't able to be at certain family events.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 16:46     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My grandmother was repeatedly raped by victors following a war. I learned this when I was 40 and am still so haunted by it. So I would not tell a16 year old who isn't mature enough to understand it.

Family event or not you are perfectly in your rights to have nothing to do with any of these events. You have suffered enough.


Op here. Thank you. DD will just have be be upset about missing these family functions. I'll take her to the beach/boardwalk instead.


Good choice OP. And I am so sorry for all you have been through.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 16:45     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
Anonymous wrote:My grandmother was repeatedly raped by victors following a war. I learned this when I was 40 and am still so haunted by it. So I would not tell a16 year old who isn't mature enough to understand it.

Family event or not you are perfectly in your rights to have nothing to do with any of these events. You have suffered enough.


Op here. Thank you. DD will just have be be upset about missing these family functions. I'll take her to the beach/boardwalk instead.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2015 16:37     Subject: Do I tell teen DD about my rape when I was a teen
My grandmother was repeatedly raped by victors following a war. I learned this when I was 40 and am still so haunted by it. So I would not tell a16 year old who isn't mature enough to understand it.

Family event or not you are perfectly in your rights to have nothing to do with any of these events. You have suffered enough.