Anonymous
07/28/2015 10:52
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
If you are prepared to have your siblings/aunt/extended family mad at you over this, then by all means do it.
Funerals are about the living, if your extended family has been generally helpful/kind/friendly, then please consider that. If they're a bunch of bossy twits, then feel free to ignore their feelings, this is just one more thing they're being bossy about.
Funerals are about the living, if your extended family has been generally helpful/kind/friendly, then please consider that. If they're a bunch of bossy twits, then feel free to ignore their feelings, this is just one more thing they're being bossy about.
Anonymous
07/28/2015 00:40
Subject: Re:Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
As ever, a couple of posters have risen to DCUM's finest level (not).
OP, frankly, it *is too* about you (one PP) and you are under NO obligation to 'rise above' anything.
One poster suggested that perhaps you write something and have someone else read it (I've even seen clergy read what family have written). If you feel up to speaking (but not your own words), you could ask one of your sibs or your aunt to write and offer to read the words yourself.
Finally, is there * any * friend or relative who could do this for you? When my MIL died, I gave her eulogy, but I spent some time visiting with her family and friends and putting together their memories and sharing them. If someone to whom you are close could do this for your family (and even mention 'this is so and so's memory' as they offer anecdotes), that might help.
But at the end of the day, you mourn as you need to, and that's that. I will never forget one of our neighbors -- a woman who cherished her husband -- staying home the day of his funeral. The reception following was at her home, and she was there, but she couldn't bring herself to go through the service. I thought then and think now that this required immense courage but was 'just right' for her and for her deceased husband. How you grieve is your business, and if that means no eulogy, then it's no eulogy. Period.
May you find as much comfort as you can in the coming days -- I am sorry for your loss.
OP, frankly, it *is too* about you (one PP) and you are under NO obligation to 'rise above' anything.
One poster suggested that perhaps you write something and have someone else read it (I've even seen clergy read what family have written). If you feel up to speaking (but not your own words), you could ask one of your sibs or your aunt to write and offer to read the words yourself.
Finally, is there * any * friend or relative who could do this for you? When my MIL died, I gave her eulogy, but I spent some time visiting with her family and friends and putting together their memories and sharing them. If someone to whom you are close could do this for your family (and even mention 'this is so and so's memory' as they offer anecdotes), that might help.
But at the end of the day, you mourn as you need to, and that's that. I will never forget one of our neighbors -- a woman who cherished her husband -- staying home the day of his funeral. The reception following was at her home, and she was there, but she couldn't bring herself to go through the service. I thought then and think now that this required immense courage but was 'just right' for her and for her deceased husband. How you grieve is your business, and if that means no eulogy, then it's no eulogy. Period.
May you find as much comfort as you can in the coming days -- I am sorry for your loss.
Anonymous
07/28/2015 00:29
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
Please do not give Eulogy. Minister can do all the talking. It is very common to have no Eulogy...the minister will have a bank of readings he will use...keep it short. On to reception.
Anonymous
07/28/2015 00:06
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
This is not about you!
That said when my father died I was just too grief stricken to get up and even say a few words. When my mother passed away a few years later I did not want to let the opportunity pass. I absolutely took the eulogy reigns and even mentioned during my mothers eulogy that I regretted not saying anything at my fathers funeral. My father would have wanted it that way. Of course I realize what I wrote sounds like it is all about me. I hope you get the idea and do not have any regrets with your decision.
That said when my father died I was just too grief stricken to get up and even say a few words. When my mother passed away a few years later I did not want to let the opportunity pass. I absolutely took the eulogy reigns and even mentioned during my mothers eulogy that I regretted not saying anything at my fathers funeral. My father would have wanted it that way. Of course I realize what I wrote sounds like it is all about me. I hope you get the idea and do not have any regrets with your decision.
Anonymous
07/24/2015 08:55
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
[quote=Anonymous]An increasing number of churches/clergy discourage eulogies during the funeral/mass, believing that the more proper time to reminisce is during the wake/visitation. Maybe you could check with the clergy member (if there is one) who will preside at the funeral. Perhaps s/he will let you off the hook and you can tell your siblings that it wasn't your decision.
This is especially true in Catholic funeral Masses.
Anonymous
07/24/2015 05:49
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
That would never fly in my family or DH's. If you're the heir, the oldest, or somehow have a useful talent like speech-giving, you are expected to stand up and represent the family with grace and dignity. And God help you if you blow it!
Can't you lay your pain and fatigue aside, OP?
I know you've been a stalwart for the past few days, but the day of the funeral is the most public one, and the one imbued with most significance. It's the day they will remember.
Please, reconsider.
No, not really. I'm not this family's show pony. It's not my obligation to make a perfect speech. I'm tired, I'm grieving and I need time.
SAY THIS. Exactly this.
Anonymous
07/23/2015 23:31
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
Anonymous wrote:
That would never fly in my family or DH's. If you're the heir, the oldest, or somehow have a useful talent like speech-giving, you are expected to stand up and represent the family with grace and dignity. And God help you if you blow it!
Can't you lay your pain and fatigue aside, OP?
I know you've been a stalwart for the past few days, but the day of the funeral is the most public one, and the one imbued with most significance. It's the day they will remember.
Please, reconsider.
No, not really. I'm not this family's show pony. It's not my obligation to make a perfect speech. I'm tired, I'm grieving and I need time.
Anonymous
07/23/2015 22:57
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
Anonymous wrote:I would use the exact wording that PP said, "I have just as much right as you all to decline. Please stop pressuring me to do something on your behalf. If a eulogy is that important to you, you can make it yourself."
This.
I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry your family are a bunch of jerks. Give me your aunt's number and I'll give her the what-for.
Anonymous
07/23/2015 22:53
Subject: Re:Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
Being the only female in my family it was left on my shoulders to plan the whole funeral for my father. I made sure everybody had a part... And the usual speech giver was given the speech duty. Not because I think he was good at it but because I had to choose somebody.
If you don't want to do it don't expect the funeral planner to be able to read your mind. Make a decision, communicate it, move on.
If you don't want to do it don't expect the funeral planner to be able to read your mind. Make a decision, communicate it, move on.
Anonymous
07/23/2015 22:48
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
OP... you have every right to decline. The funeral director (or whoever) at my Grandmother's funeral handled all of that. A few great grandkids got up and spoke but it was their own choice. Nobody was pressured into anything.
I'm sorry for your loss, and the feelings this is causing. PLEASE take the time to have your wine and your bath.
Anonymous
07/23/2015 22:33
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
That would never fly in my family or DH's. If you're the heir, the oldest, or somehow have a useful talent like speech-giving, you are expected to stand up and represent the family with grace and dignity. And God help you if you blow it!
Can't you lay your pain and fatigue aside, OP?
I know you've been a stalwart for the past few days, but the day of the funeral is the most public one, and the one imbued with most significance. It's the day they will remember.
Please, reconsider.
Anonymous
07/23/2015 21:30
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
You have every right to say no, just as your siblings do.
You could also write something and let someone else give it. When DW's father died, his wife wrote a beautiful poem for him but she simply wasn't able to get up and read it. So she asked me to do it for her.
You could also write something and let someone else give it. When DW's father died, his wife wrote a beautiful poem for him but she simply wasn't able to get up and read it. So she asked me to do it for her.
Anonymous
07/23/2015 20:02
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
I would use the exact wording that PP said, "I have just as much right as you all to decline. Please stop pressuring me to do something on your behalf. If a eulogy is that important to you, you can make it yourself."
Anonymous
07/23/2015 14:46
Subject: Re:Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
Congrats, you're the family Teddy Kennedy.
Anonymous
07/23/2015 14:34
Subject: Am I obligated to give the eulogy or even any speech?
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Now my overbearing aunt is also insisting that I give the eulogy. It is partially that I never had a terrific relationship with my dad, and I'm trying to process how I actually feel. Ugh.
Here's what you do: give the speech as what you always wanted to say to him about what a dick he could be. Invite me, with my popcorn, so I can watch.
J/K, you should probably politely decline, and leave early to have a nice long bath.