Relating this to your earlier post -- your daughter may not go back to her old self. She may not function well academically; she may need medication for anxiety. She may need a school alternative, like school on computer/online. Your idea of boarding school may actually be a good one, if there is a strong therapeutic environment. These are issues that may need to be explored.

Best of luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, take comfort in the fact that she told you. This is a huge step. I was sexually assaulted when I was 14 and told no one until my late 20s when I finally sought therapy to help me stop allowing that one event in my past to define me. Get her in therapy ASAP. If she doesn't like her therapist, find another one. Therapy is crucial. Ask her what she needs, support her the best you can. Good luck, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to hear this from your daughter.

This is so sad to me - why do kids so often not tell any adults when they are assaulted?

There's a lot of judgement that comes with sexual assault. Sometimes your attacker makes you feel like you're responsible. If you know him, especially if you go to school with him, it's hard to deal with the backlash from peers. You might be labeled a slut, or at least you'll be the girl who claims she was raped. Sometimes it happens when girls broke some other rule, like being somewhere their parents didn't approve of, or drinking. That brings on a fear of being judged for breaking other rules, like you might be punished for drinking as well as whatever trauma you have to deal with from the rape. You're afraid people won't believe you. It's embarrassing. If you're not a virgin, you might be afraid that your sexual history will be up for discussion. Some girls don't have an adult they're comfortable discussing sex with, much less violent nonconsensual sex. Sometimes they're not sure if it's rape, especially if it's date rape. (How many young men claim not to understand it's rape if she's passed out or too drunk to consent? It's more confusing for young women who might be fuzzy on the details.) Sometimes it's easier to pretend it didn't happen and try to take control of the situation (If I don't tell anyone I was raped, I can forget and it'll be like it never happened). You feel guilty and ashamed and wonder if it's your fault. It's downright painful to discuss it. Talking about it can be like reliving it. You might be afraid of how your parents will handle it. Will they tell the school administration? Go to his house and kill him? Make you go to the police? Will you be grounded forever for your own protection? Will you have to have a medical exam and let a stranger poke around down there and feel violated all over again? Are your parents going to think you're dirty now, not their little girl anymore? There are a thousand other reasons, but that's just some of what I remember feeling when it happened to me. Never told anyone.

It's hard enough to deal with that struggle as an adult. Children aren't equipped to handle those situations.

Anonymous wrote:OP, take comfort in the fact that she told you. This is a huge step. I was sexually assaulted when I was 14 and told no one until my late 20s when I finally sought therapy to help me stop allowing that one event in my past to define me. Get her in therapy ASAP. If she doesn't like her therapist, find another one. Therapy is crucial. Ask her what she needs, support her the best you can. Good luck, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to hear this from your daughter.

This is so sad to me - why do kids so often not tell any adults when they are assaulted?

OP I followed the thread on Tweens and Teens, as well as an earlier thread I think you did. So sorry to hear about this, but it does make sense in light of later developments.

I think a therapist ASAP is the wisest course. Will heartily second listening to your child and if she doesn't like the first therapist take her to a second and to a third if need be. Fit with a therapist is one of the most important factors needed for success. It may take a little bit of time but group therapy with others in her situation may be helpful as well. I don't know where you are located but the Psychiatric Institute of Washington in DC near Tenley runs one.

I agree with other PPs you should try to avoid treating her as a victim. It might be helpful to read up on validation techniques. There was a good thread on this here:

http://dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/478538.page

I do agree with those who would report to the police but she is at an age where that has to be her decision. Doing something along these lines can help achieve closure, but it is very difficult and I wouldn't push at this time. The statute of limitations give her quite a bit of time still.

Finally, I agree with seeing a counselor at school to see what can be done about her grades over the past year. If they are sympathetic there are ways that things can be done

I am in the midst of helping my DD help her boyfriend who very recently encountered a man who had molested him as a child, which he never told anyone about, and suffered severe flashbacks. She convinced him to go into therapy, where he is making progress, and got to the point where he is now going to group at PIW. She tells me it's been pretty tough going and he has been suffering nightmares so has had to see a psychiatrist for sleep medication. But it is gradually getting better.

Best of luck--this won't be easy.

Rape survivor here. I'm so sorry.
I'm glad she told you. Be there for her and listen. Hug her. Back off when she needs space.
And please suggest pressing charges. It needs to go on record. Don't push her, but keep it at the front of her mind.
Hugs to you, mama.

You've gotten lots of good advice, OP. I just wanted to add that I'm sorry that you're DD went through this, but that it doesn't have to define her. I'm glad she has you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is HUGE that your daughter told you. I was raped in high school and I never told anyone until this year (and I am in my 40s) when I told ONE friend. My DH doesn't even know.

I would never have, and never will, tell my mother. So that speaks volumes about your relationship.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is that you strike a balance, tough as it is, between making too big a deal of this and trying to gloss over it.

So, let her know it was a terrible thing, that many many women experience and she is NOT alone. And that you will take her at a drop of a hat to any therapist or support group in town. And that if she has triggers or PTSD, come up with a code word and that's all she 'll need to say and you can immediately leave the parking lot, or library or wherever without her having to explain.

But at the same time, don't invade her privacy or smother her. Sadly, she will have to heal. Not you for her. She will have to learn to cope with the pain and shame and a therapist can help, but some of this work she is just going to need to do on her own. This will be tough for you.

So, while you don't want to brush off what happened, try not to look at her with whimpering eyes and constantly ask if she's OK and does she want to talk and treat her like a porcelain doll.

She does not need to deal with your guilt as well as her own issues. This is why I never told my mom.

One final note, get her involved in something new fun and fantastic, even if you think it's lame. Some hobby, some sport, just something she can DO and pour her energy into. The danger is the black hole of pain and active people don't fall down those black holes.

Good luck.

OP here and your post is so helpful to me. Thank you so much for posting. I agree that I'll need to walk the fine line between being supportive without smothering. What is the best strategy? Simply let her know I'm here to talk and then never speak of it unless she does?

The idea of a new hobby is a fantastic one. She's really into makeup. Will look to see if there's a cosmetology class she can take to give her an outlet.

Again, many thanks for your post. It's a lifeline for me right now.

I am truly glad my post helped.

And yes, the makeup thing is exactly what I mean. Just don't be too rah-rah about it. Just say yes when she asks to do things and let her take the lead.

You don't want her to start avoiding you because she thinks you are going to probe her for her innermost thoughts. Is there another older female she is close to? An aunt, a coach, a big sister etc. This is where a therapist comes in. Just keep reminding yourself that you are her mother, NOT HER THERAPIST, and she has a right to privacy and there are some things she won't want to share with you and THAT'S OK.

In fact it really is better for your relationship if she "unburdens" with a professional. Not many relationships can survive the intensity of those initial feelings after a trauma, and it is just too complicated for mom.

Be available -- for mani pedis, movies, long walks, shopping at Sephora if she likes makeup -- but not pushy.

Easy peasy, right?

I'm so sorry, OP. What a courageous daughter you have!
She needs you to make her feel loved and cherished and respected. Small details count. Make her favorite food. Look into her eyes and tell her how much you love and admire her. Thank her for telling you. I haven't read the other thread, but don't give up on her grades. Hire tutors and do whatever it takes between you to not have this ruin her academic prospects.

I would first search online or call a hotline when she isn't there, to find out how best to support her. Should her pediatrician be called (or does she have a regular doc?) first, or should you call the police, even though you don't have the boy's name?

I would of course be raring to get the name and file a lawsuit. The thought that this person is out there somewhere with untarnished reputation makes me feel sick! But that's where therapy comes in. She has to process this at her own pace, and be willing to give you information and trust that you will use it with her full consent.

Hugs to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this your post? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/486315.page

Yep, that's me.

Blown away. Many of use felt there was something more to that. Best of luck to your DD and to you.

I know I did. Best of luck, OP. So sorry you and your family are going through this. Peace to your DD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this your post? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/486315.page

Yep, that's me.

Blown away. Many of use felt there was something more to that. Best of luck to your DD and to you.

+1 to all of this. I too read your earlier posts and thought there was more going on. At least you know now. And at least your daughter trusted you enough to tell you. My suggestions are get her in to talk to a therapist, and maybe do the same for yourself, OP. You and your daughter will sort this out together. She will be okay with your support. Whatever academic challenges that remain can be worked out.

Anonymous wrote:OP, take comfort in the fact that she told you. This is a huge step. I was sexually assaulted when I was 14 and told no one until my late 20s when I finally sought therapy to help me stop allowing that one event in my past to define me. Get her in therapy ASAP. If she doesn't like her therapist, find another one. Therapy is crucial. Ask her what she needs, support her the best you can. Good luck, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to hear this from your daughter.

OP here. Thank you for sharing. I'm very grateful that she did tell me what's going on. I don't know why I assumed this is something that is naturally told to parents and was even saddened that she didn't think she could come to me sooner (she said she wasn't sure if I'd believe her). I'm definitely going to pursue therapy in the morning.

Thanks again for your post. I hope you're doing great now.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is HUGE that your daughter told you. I was raped in high school and I never told anyone until this year (and I am in my 40s) when I told ONE friend. My DH doesn't even know.

I would never have, and never will, tell my mother. So that speaks volumes about your relationship.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is that you strike a balance, tough as it is, between making too big a deal of this and trying to gloss over it.

So, let her know it was a terrible thing, that many many women experience and she is NOT alone. And that you will take her at a drop of a hat to any therapist or support group in town. And that if she has triggers or PTSD, come up with a code word and that's all she 'll need to say and you can immediately leave the parking lot, or library or wherever without her having to explain.

But at the same time, don't invade her privacy or smother her. Sadly, she will have to heal. Not you for her. She will have to learn to cope with the pain and shame and a therapist can help, but some of this work she is just going to need to do on her own. This will be tough for you.

So, while you don't want to brush off what happened, try not to look at her with whimpering eyes and constantly ask if she's OK and does she want to talk and treat her like a porcelain doll.

She does not need to deal with your guilt as well as her own issues. This is why I never told my mom.

One final note, get her involved in something new fun and fantastic, even if you think it's lame. Some hobby, some sport, just something she can DO and pour her energy into. The danger is the black hole of pain and active people don't fall down those black holes.

Good luck.

OP here and your post is so helpful to me. Thank you so much for posting. I agree that I'll need to walk the fine line between being supportive without smothering. What is the best strategy? Simply let her know I'm here to talk and then never speak of it unless she does?

The idea of a new hobby is a fantastic one. She's really into makeup. Will look to see if there's a cosmetology class she can take to give her an outlet.

Again, many thanks for your post. It's a lifeline for me right now.

Another great resource is the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network www.rainn.org

OP, take comfort in the fact that she told you. This is a huge step. I was sexually assaulted when I was 14 and told no one until my late 20s when I finally sought therapy to help me stop allowing that one event in my past to define me. Get her in therapy ASAP. If she doesn't like her therapist, find another one. Therapy is crucial. Ask her what she needs, support her the best you can. Good luck, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to hear this from your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this your post? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/486315.page

Yep, that's me.

Blown away. Many of use felt there was something more to that. Best of luck to your DD and to you.