Anonymous wrote:DON"T SAY ANYTHING!!! I've raised some contrary teens, and what they need is for you to say nothing, just act as if this is normal and unremarkable. What they love is when you talk to them as you'd talk to adults, with respect and in a positive way. They eat that up.

Yup. He is experimenting with being a different type of person and needs the space while he decides what feels good. The best acknowledgement is that his life will be better without your nagging. I know, it is hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If rewarding behavior has backfired in the past... I would do something nice for him (new freedom/privilege, movie with a couple friends, whatever), but I would NOT directly link it to his behavior. It's not necessary. He'll eventually figure out that following the rules => more permissive parents. It doesn't need to be "clean your room = a new video game". In fact, I would do everything possible to avoid that dynamic.

Bingo. Your kid is smart, so you need to be smart too. What's a privilege he's been wanting? Tell him whatever that is is now okay (within whatever reasons). Don't mention his good behaviour. He'll figure it out.

Agree with this general idea. Kids shouldn't be smothered under a microscope 24/7. Don't constantly evaluate everything he does.

Anonymous wrote:Cash, small bills.

Worst thing to do.
Read "Punished By Rewards".

Anonymous wrote:If rewarding behavior has backfired in the past... I would do something nice for him (new freedom/privilege, movie with a couple friends, whatever), but I would NOT directly link it to his behavior. It's not necessary. He'll eventually figure out that following the rules => more permissive parents. It doesn't need to be "clean your room = a new video game". In fact, I would do everything possible to avoid that dynamic.

Bingo. Your kid is smart, so you need to be smart too. What's a privilege he's been wanting? Tell him whatever that is is now okay (within whatever reasons). Don't mention his good behaviour. He'll figure it out.

OP here,
Thanks everyone! Great ideas and feedback here.

In my world, you say nothing. But if you had previously offered a bribe you pay up.

"Here's the $20 I told you I'd give you for cleaning your room. Did you want broccoli or green beans with dinner?"

The only time I said something is if the kid did something I didn't know how. Mine had a complicated closet system in his closet that (he) had broken, and eventually he fixed it. I asked him how he did it, pointing out that the closet system in my closet was coming loose in a similar way. He seemed to appreciate the acceptance of his expertise more than he would have "thank you for fixing your closet system."

DON"T SAY ANYTHING!!! I've raised some contrary teens, and what they need is for you to say nothing, just act as if this is normal and unremarkable. What they love is when you talk to them as you'd talk to adults, with respect and in a positive way. They eat that up.

To OP, I think it's awesome that he wants to take pride in cleaning his room! Rewards can be such a blessing, if you think he will rebel then just leave it alone. Buy him something nice, take him out for his favorite food, invite a friend over to wath a movie, etc. With that being said just remember that you are still the parent and don't allow that to be stripped away because of fear of him regressing. Love him unconditionally!

It's too late now, but although mine is similarly contrary, I found it was OK to do a compliment on the fly -- if I walked past a newly cleaned room while he was in it, I could in and say, "Wow! Pretty nice!" and then keep moving. I could not say, "I noticed you did a thorough job of cleaning your room, and I really appreciate it." He'd probably bring a goat in the next day.

Similarly, I could offer to help match socks and let him watch something he likes on the DVR, but I couldn't tell him how glad I was to see that he was taking responsibility for keeping his environment orderly and how he really seems to be turning himself around, blah blah blah.

Earnest doesn't work at all with my kid.