Anonymous wrote:Your post reminded me of this article. I only hope I can be as strong as her if this ever happens to me!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all

Too funny! I thought the same thing!!

This has midlife crisis written all over it. Men, especially, get to this point and become obsessed with all they haven't accomplished, all they have missed out on, all the ways they didn't measure up to their young vision of themselves. I've seen it so many times.

What they tend to do is to focus it all outwards, and look for external solutions. It's easier to lay the blame at their wives' feet than it is to look inward and see it's themselves they're not happy with. And of course, the idealized notion of the ones that got away or the current women around them fill a perfect fantasy slot.

In your shoes, I've spent a lot of hours calmly talking about these things. I had to get my husband to start looking inside himself, so he realized how miserable and full of self-loathing and judgment he was, and that not even the most perfect, ideal woman would change that.

He needed to figure out what to work on in himself. He needed to think about and decide whether it was worth it to give up all he had with me and our kids, to chase his fantasies. I told him he was totally free to leave and pursue his dream, and I wished him well, but that it meant I would move on, live my own life, and hopefully find a new man who was sure he wanted to be with me.

He had been checked out, and putting his energy into fantasizing about other women for a few years. But when I told him that he'd have to actually think carefully, and make a choice, he started to see me in a new light. He eventually started recognizing his childish fantasies for what they were. He started figuring things out and making changes in himself. His focus and direction shifted to reality and how to make it better, starting with himself.

It hasn't been easy. I've taken a lot of damage that will take a long time to heal. We've both grown. I'd just as soon have skipped this phase, but growth is painful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Facing the world how it is and not how we would like it to be should not be unforgivable . People's true feelings are not a fairy tale.

The fairy tale is how his life would have been better with the other woman. I think this is backwards. Being that unkind to someone after 25 years is unforgivable.

Unforgivable? Not unforgivable.

OP, if you haven't already, you should punch your husband in his throat with using your elbow and all the power you can muster for telling you this after 25 years of marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Your post reminded me of this article. I only hope I can be as strong as her if this ever happens to me!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all

These people ended up divorced.

http://time.com/author/laura-munson/

Back in 2008, I was met with the words, “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.” And an encore in 2011: “It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I’m not in love with you anymore.” The first time, I believed that the relationship was salvageable. The second time, I knew the marriage had to end. My reaction both times: to choose not to suffer by focusing on what I could own and what I could control, and letting go of the rest. Sounds hard. It was. But I did it as consciously as possible and I am better for having lived that way, even though the marriage is over. My strategy was never about staying together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me he didn't love me when we married but he learned to love me. From that day forward I cut all feelings for him off. I go through the motions but have no love for him.

He knew the moment he said what he did it would be like flipping a switch. He got what he wanted. Now he feels bad about it. I don't.

I have made plans for my future. They do not include him.

That is tragic.

Are you the same lady who took your kids to a restaurant where you confronted DH with another woman? You remind me of her.

No, I'm that lady and this isn't me. Feel bad for you OP. You will be OK

Your post reminded me of this article. I only hope I can be as strong as her if this ever happens to me!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all

Yep-midlife crisis. I know 2 couples this happened to. My Dad said this too my Mom right around the 25 year mark. They never had a great relationship, but this hurt her to the core. But they stuck it out. Over time my Dad started loving my Mom again. I don't think either of them are 'in love', but they have a partnership that works for both of them.

The other couple, was a friend of mine. Her Dad said the same thing to her Mom around the 30 year mark. He was miserable and it was the Mom's fault. Everything was her fault. So they separated and he got a girlfriend. He Mom kept her head high and just lived her life to the fullest. About a year, year and half, when the new girlfriend honeymoon was over, he realized that he was still miserable and it wasn't the Mom's fault. I think he started therapy. Eventually he got back together with the Mom.

When someone is going through a mid-life crisis, the last thing you want to do is chase after them. You need to hold you head up high. Have faith that the love you felt was real and he is just losing is mind temporarily. Live you life to the fullest without him (even if you are still in the same house). Show him was a happy, wonderful person you are. In time he will get through this...

I agree with PP. Sounds like a midlife crisis. Says a lot more about him then it does about you. Hold your head up. Find someone that you trust to talk this through and decide want you want. If you are moving forward and not waiting for him to make decisions you will feel/ be more empowered.

OP, is there any chance that old girlfriend is suddenly available through divorce or death and he is thinking of taking up with her? Or perhaps already has and he's breaking it to you in bits and pieces?

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me he didn't love me when we married but he learned to love me. From that day forward I cut all feelings for him off. I go through the motions but have no love for him.

He knew the moment he said what he did it would be like flipping a switch. He got what he wanted. Now he feels bad about it. I don't.

I have made plans for my future. They do not include him.

You do know don't you that this is the best case outcome for arranged marriages, which are still very prevalent in many parts of the world? It is considered a good thing--arranged marriages are not done for love but if they are really successful the couple come to love each other.

Honestly, does it matter so much what was going on then? Isn't the fact that he loves you in the present enough? Aren't you better off than someone whose DH loved them when they wed but no longer does? Or is there something else going on like now you suspect he married you for your money, which I admit would be rather a downer.

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me he didn't love me when we married but he learned to love me. From that day forward I cut all feelings for him off. I go through the motions but have no love for him.

He knew the moment he said what he did it would be like flipping a switch. He got what he wanted. Now he feels bad about it. I don't.

I have made plans for my future. They do not include him.

That is tragic.

Are you the same lady who took your kids to a restaurant where you confronted DH with another woman? You remind me of her.

Midlife crisis. Path not taken. Etc. etc. And it was a really shitty thing to say.

If you want to stay with him, then continue to work towards that goal. I'd also invest in taking really good care of YOU. Whether you remind him why he loves you, or end up finding someone new, hopefully with your youngest in college, you have some time and energy to focus on what you want.

I don't understand why people say stuff like this to their spouse if they have not intention of leaving. If they're unhappy about something that can be worked on, then certainly bring up those issues. But just stating that you wish you hadn't married them but don't want to leave. That's just crappy. You're intentionally hurting the person's feeling for no purpose. It seems manipulative.

My husband told me he didn't love me when we married but he learned to love me. From that day forward I cut all feelings for him off. I go through the motions but have no love for him.

He knew the moment he said what he did it would be like flipping a switch. He got what he wanted. Now he feels bad about it. I don't.

I have made plans for my future. They do not include him.