I like the line "I can't make my brothers include your sister." Mary is a grownup. What city does she live in? Near Amtrak or airport? Can't she rent a car?

OP, I don't think you answered the question as to whether Mary knew about the event in advance? I assume your husband told her in advance??

Sounds like your siblings wanted a fun and relaxing road trip just among themselves, and also no room in the car on the way back. Your husband is out of line. What exactly is his problem?

So she hates buses and trains are expensive, has she never heard of Zip cars or rental cars?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously in your telling, Mary sounds totally unreasonable and a drama queen. I wonder what her side of the story would be?

OP here; having known her for 11 years, I'm pretty sure she would say "I love my little nieces so much; i can't believe Larla and X don't consider me to be like their own family; it's clear they gave priority to Larla's brother, which isn;t fair b/c he wouldn't even go to the performance. it's so unfair. I can't believe they treat me this way. Buses are disgusting; I would never take a bus. And I really want to save my money and not buy a train ticket because I'm going to Greece next month. What they should have done is wait until Friday, so that I didn't have to take off wokr and just told Larla's brother to take a bus, and taken me instead, because they're my nieces and I totally love them and spend so much time with them and really, I wanted to see the performance more than anyone."

Hilarious! And probably so true. Thank you for entertaining us, OP.

The first thing you do is refuse to engage with your brothers or Mary.
The second thing you do is tell your husband that he's wrong, and that neither he nor Mary have a leg to stand on in this situation.
Then you refuse to discuss it. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Mary is 35. Does not have a car. All these sibs live convenient to DC.

I wish there was a way to tell my DH that she needs to be an adult and figure this stuff out on her own - make her own plans, make her own decisions, and not expect my family to be responsible for her.

Ideally, I'd also like to tell him that if she were more pleasant or accommodating, she would likely get the results she wants.

Uh, so tell him that. These are not unreasonable things to communicate to a spouse.

Well, I've tried many times and he just can't/won't hear that Mary's well being is not my personal responsibility - he takes the tack of saying - if Mary had a car, she would always ask your brothers to come with her, etc - which we can't test, of course. And DH expects that I should intermediate and make my brothers do things for her.

"I can't make my brothers include your sister." repeat as necessary. refuse to engage.

PP again. this is sounding more and more like a DH problem, not a SIL problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Mary is 35. Does not have a car. All these sibs live convenient to DC.

I wish there was a way to tell my DH that she needs to be an adult and figure this stuff out on her own - make her own plans, make her own decisions, and not expect my family to be responsible for her.

Ideally, I'd also like to tell him that if she were more pleasant or accommodating, she would likely get the results she wants.

Uh, so tell him that. These are not unreasonable things to communicate to a spouse.

Well, I've tried many times and he just can't/won't hear that Mary's well being is not my personal responsibility - he takes the tack of saying - if Mary had a car, she would always ask your brothers to come with her, etc - which we can't test, of course. And DH expects that I should intermediate and make my brothers do things for her.

"I can't make my brothers include your sister." repeat as necessary. refuse to engage.

Op - you need to be much, much less involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Mary is 35. Does not have a car. All these sibs live convenient to DC.

I wish there was a way to tell my DH that she needs to be an adult and figure this stuff out on her own - make her own plans, make her own decisions, and not expect my family to be responsible for her.

Ideally, I'd also like to tell him that if she were more pleasant or accommodating, she would likely get the results she wants.

Uh, so tell him that. These are not unreasonable things to communicate to a spouse.

Well, I've tried many times and he just can't/won't hear that Mary's well being is not my personal responsibility - he takes the tack of saying - if Mary had a car, she would always ask your brothers to come with her, etc - which we can't test, of course. And DH expects that I should intermediate and make my brothers do things for her.

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Mary is 35. Does not have a car. All these sibs live convenient to DC.

I wish there was a way to tell my DH that she needs to be an adult and figure this stuff out on her own - make her own plans, make her own decisions, and not expect my family to be responsible for her.

Ideally, I'd also like to tell him that if she were more pleasant or accommodating, she would likely get the results she wants.

Uh, so tell him that. These are not unreasonable things to communicate to a spouse.

Op here - Mary is 35. Does not have a car. All these sibs live convenient to DC.

I wish there was a way to tell my DH that she needs to be an adult and figure this stuff out on her own - make her own plans, make her own decisions, and not expect my family to be responsible for her.

Ideally, I'd also like to tell him that if she were more pleasant or accommodating, she would likely get the results she wants.

How old is Mary and does she have a car/drive?

Agree with everyone else. It is not your siblings responsibility to drive Mary down to the recital. She is an adult - your brother should have been the one to invite her and she needs to be adult enough to transport herself down there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mary wasn't excluded. She's an adult and more than capable of making her own travel arrangements. Personally I find it over the top that your husband expects your siblings to go out of the way to include your inlaw.

op here - this is what i think, too. but he is very sensitive to his sister being "included" because she is "family."
my younger brother frequently takes the bus down - he doesn't wait for the older brother to drive him down.
Mary also makes a TON of money is more than able to afford bus, train, or plane, as she so desires.

She's family to you, but honestly, your siblings have no responsibility to include her or take care of her, or find her a boyfriend.

+1. Ugh. I have a friend who is getting to be like this - like it is my responsibility to find her a boyfriend!

Your DH has wierd expectations.

Anonymous wrote:Does Mary not have a car? This is weird as hell to expect people you aren't related to or even friends with to drive your ass around for free. Blood is thicker than water and she's not blood.

+1 Weird expectations on your husband's and sister's part.

Did your husband invite his sister? If not, the fact that she's missing out on your child's play is on him.

Did he, or you, arrange for the carpool to DC this weekend? If your siblings arranged the carpool amongst themselves, then it's none of your business or your husband's business who they invited to join.

If this were my family and there was room in the car (which there isn't in your case), then I'm sure my siblings would have offered my husband's sister a seat in the carpool. But she's easy going and fun, and certainly would have gotten herself to an easy pick-up spot.

Does Mary not have a car? This is weird as hell to expect people you aren't related to or even friends with to drive your ass around for free. Blood is thicker than water and she's not blood.

Op here. Feeling very relieved at the responses. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:Mary needs to grow up and stop expecting everyone to babysit her ass.

I hate family drama. Especially made up drama. Mary sounds pathetic.

Yes
Big Ass Baby