Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We are at work most of the day while MIL is at home with the nanny and housekeeper. She comes about four times a year for a week each time. DH has talked to her before but nothing seems to get through to her. MIL tried to kick the nanny out once and take over bedtime routine. She ties up the housekeeper with requests which causes her to run out of time for the scheduled tasks. She spoke down to the housekeeper and has raised her voice. She has made the nanny cry with comments about her appearance. It goes on and on. I know the anxiety is the root of the problem but she refuses to take medications. it is exhausting to have her here but DH feels duty bound, especially since her health has started to decline.

Give the housekeeper and the nanny the week off. Paid. Make other arrangements for your daughter for the week. Let the housework go.

If only it were that easy!

You have a husband problem. As long as your DH remains in denial about your MIL's issues, things will only get worse. Both you and your DH are tiptoeing around MIL because neither of you really want to set proper boundaries.

Good luck trying to make your staff tolerate that nonsense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We are at work most of the day while MIL is at home with the nanny and housekeeper. She comes about four times a year for a week each time. DH has talked to her before but nothing seems to get through to her. MIL tried to kick the nanny out once and take over bedtime routine. She ties up the housekeeper with requests which causes her to run out of time for the scheduled tasks. She spoke down to the housekeeper and has raised her voice. She has made the nanny cry with comments about her appearance. It goes on and on. I know the anxiety is the root of the problem but she refuses to take medications. it is exhausting to have her here but DH feels duty bound, especially since her health has started to decline.

Give the housekeeper and the nanny the week off. Paid. Make other arrangements for your daughter for the week. Let the housework go.

If only it were that easy!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We are at work most of the day while MIL is at home with the nanny and housekeeper. She comes about four times a year for a week each time. DH has talked to her before but nothing seems to get through to her. MIL tried to kick the nanny out once and take over bedtime routine. She ties up the housekeeper with requests which causes her to run out of time for the scheduled tasks. She spoke down to the housekeeper and has raised her voice. She has made the nanny cry with comments about her appearance. It goes on and on. I know the anxiety is the root of the problem but she refuses to take medications. it is exhausting to have her here but DH feels duty bound, especially since her health has started to decline.

Give the housekeeper and the nanny the week off. Paid. Make other arrangements for your daughter for the week. Let the housework go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is low-rent. You NEVER make requests of another's employee.

We had it out with my FIL, a Fox watching idiot, for trying to engage our beloved nanny in a political discussion. The nanny kept trying to bow out gracefully but FIL wouldn't let her. Finally we had to tell FIL to stop this shit or never be invited back to our home again. Period. End of discussion. My daughter has Downs Syndrome and a great nanny is hard to find for special needs kids.

How sad that you value a stranger over family.

Oh f-off PP. A valued nanny for a special needs family member is not a "stranger", they're much more part of your life and family then a ranting FIL who badgers people inappropriately and tries to pick fights. Sharing blood lines does not innately make you more important than others close in your life.

How classy you are.

PP is actually a class act. It's extremely classy to protect staff from unreasonably abuse by others. A little swearing never hurt anyone.

Op here. We are at work most of the day while MIL is at home with the nanny and housekeeper. She comes about four times a year for a week each time. DH has talked to her before but nothing seems to get through to her. MIL tried to kick the nanny out once and take over bedtime routine. She ties up the housekeeper with requests which causes her to run out of time for the scheduled tasks. She spoke down to the housekeeper and has raised her voice. She has made the nanny cry with comments about her appearance. It goes on and on. I know the anxiety is the root of the problem but she refuses to take medications. it is exhausting to have her here but DH feels duty bound, especially since her health has started to decline.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is low-rent. You NEVER make requests of another's employee.

We had it out with my FIL, a Fox watching idiot, for trying to engage our beloved nanny in a political discussion. The nanny kept trying to bow out gracefully but FIL wouldn't let her. Finally we had to tell FIL to stop this shit or never be invited back to our home again. Period. End of discussion. My daughter has Downs Syndrome and a great nanny is hard to find for special needs kids.

How sad that you value a stranger over family.

Oh f-off PP. A valued nanny for a special needs family member is not a "stranger", they're much more part of your life and family then a ranting FIL who badgers people inappropriately and tries to pick fights. Sharing blood lines does not innately make you more important than others close in your life.

+ 1

I would love to have household help. If I had this issue, I would just pay them extra or give them extra vacation time whenever my ILs stayed with us.

Who gave her their numbers?!

Either give them paid time off or have your MIL stay in a hotel. Either you or DH are to blame somewhat for this mess. It should have been taken care of and dealt with without having to resort to DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is low-rent. You NEVER make requests of another's employee.

We had it out with my FIL, a Fox watching idiot, for trying to engage our beloved nanny in a political discussion. The nanny kept trying to bow out gracefully but FIL wouldn't let her. Finally we had to tell FIL to stop this shit or never be invited back to our home again. Period. End of discussion. My daughter has Downs Syndrome and a great nanny is hard to find for special needs kids.

How sad that you value a stranger over family.

Oh f-off PP. A valued nanny for a special needs family member is not a "stranger", they're much more part of your life and family then a ranting FIL who badgers people inappropriately and tries to pick fights. Sharing blood lines does not innately make you more important than others close in your life.

How classy you are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is low-rent. You NEVER make requests of another's employee.

We had it out with my FIL, a Fox watching idiot, for trying to engage our beloved nanny in a political discussion. The nanny kept trying to bow out gracefully but FIL wouldn't let her. Finally we had to tell FIL to stop this shit or never be invited back to our home again. Period. End of discussion. My daughter has Downs Syndrome and a great nanny is hard to find for special needs kids.

How sad that you value a stranger over family.

Oh f-off PP. A valued nanny for a special needs family member is not a "stranger", they're much more part of your life and family then a ranting FIL who badgers people inappropriately and tries to pick fights. Sharing blood lines does not innately make you more important than others close in your life.

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is low-rent. You NEVER make requests of another's employee.

We had it out with my FIL, a Fox watching idiot, for trying to engage our beloved nanny in a political discussion. The nanny kept trying to bow out gracefully but FIL wouldn't let her. Finally we had to tell FIL to stop this shit or never be invited back to our home again. Period. End of discussion. My daughter has Downs Syndrome and a great nanny is hard to find for special needs kids.

How sad that you value a stranger over family.

I agree that your husband, not you, needs to deal with this. His parent, his to handle.

But you and he might be missing the larger issue here.

You mention that her health is declining and that she is anxious. Is she getting any help for those issues? If not, your husband and you might need to start working on that with and for her. If she's just muddling along and has no one, wherever she lives, to monitor her health, get her possible mental health intervention for her anxiety (which might improve if her health improves or at least if it can be managed better, if it won't improve)--then she's going to find something to be anxious about when she's with you. It happens to be the help but if it weren't it might well be something else.

Maybe your husband is already working to help his mom with health and anxiety issues, if so, great. If not, that's the real root of this from how you describe it, and needs attention.

Meanwhile, can you arrange for the household help to come at times when you or your husband are out of the house with MIL? Take her for a half-day outing while the help cleans or whatever? That simply removes her from the source of what's stressing her and, in turn, stressing you.

Or is it possible to make do with less or no outside help during her visits?

I'd do these things just to distance her from what seems to be a trigger for her anxiety. It's not for weeks on end, right?

A hotel sounds like a good idea but consider carefully whether that will make things better or worse. If she is truly anxious she will find things at the hotel to stress over. But if she would do better with a neutral environment like a hotel, your husband should try it. (My mom didn't have the issues your MIL does, but she did prefer to stay in a hotel when visiting--she just did, she slept better there, and could have some down time away from us.) I would take care that she doesn't feel the hotel idea is her being pushed aside -- try to present it to her as "This is a special treat for you--time for yourself, and we're here to chauffeur you to our place!"

Your MIL is low-rent. You NEVER make requests of another's employee.

We had it out with my FIL, a Fox watching idiot, for trying to engage our beloved nanny in a political discussion. The nanny kept trying to bow out gracefully but FIL wouldn't let her. Finally we had to tell FIL to stop this shit or never be invited back to our home again. Period. End of discussion. My daughter has Downs Syndrome and a great nanny is hard to find for special needs kids.

I can't help, OP. I just have a cleaning lady who comes in every two weeks. Tough life you have.

Anonymous wrote:Give them a holiday when she visits.

Or have MIL stay in a hotel.

This.