Anonymous
Post 07/17/2015 15:33     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
"I pick my battles carefully."

Very well trained you are.

Wussy.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2015 15:00     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:I pick my battles carefully. Teens experiment with behavior, and teens have too many hormones to see straight sometimes. yeah, I work on tone, and do my best not to tolerate nonsense, but. Am also careful to ask little and give space when my kid is clearly suffering from a case of the teens.

Also, lesson learned to my chagrin, I advise listening to your own tone when interrupted, asked a stupid question, or whatever ticks you off. Perhaps you may hear something familiar in your teen's obnoxious tone?



I don't turn every instance into a battle, either. People get grouchy. Everyone has bad days. I sort of play it by ear. Sometimes I let it slide, sometimes I politely remind them to watch their tone, sometimes I make a joke out of it, and sometimes I make a big deal of it. It depends on the details of the situation. I'm more likely to let it go if they are doing what I asked, even if their attitude isn't perfect. I also try to model courtesy and respect, even when I'm disciplining them.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2015 11:20     Subject: Re:"Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:the parenting classes I've taken pretty much say to ignore tone and focus on actions. If they're doing what you ask, just pretend you didn't notice the sarcasm in the tone.

This is rather hard to do, of course.

A friend just posted this to FB today. Maybe it's helpful?

http://www.emotionalgeographic.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you
Like employers, professors and police officers are going to ignore "tone." Part of our job is to teach them how to behave in the world.

That link is brilliant.
We should reread it every morning, first thing,
and every night, last thing.
Many thanks.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2015 10:56     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
Why worry now? You've been letting them do this since they were born so stop trying to be a grown-uo cool parent.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2015 20:06     Subject: Re:"Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:the parenting classes I've taken pretty much say to ignore tone and focus on actions. If they're doing what you ask, just pretend you didn't notice the sarcasm in the tone.

This is rather hard to do, of course.

A friend just posted this to FB today. Maybe it's helpful?

http://www.emotionalgeographic.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you
Like employers, professors and police officers are going to ignore "tone." Part of our job is to teach them how to behave in the world.


Sure, but home is a very different space than the work place, out in public and in the classroom. Kids feel safe trying out their "tone" with family because they know they love them unconditionally. They're less likely to try these things out with strangers because they don't know what the reaction will be.

As a parent I absolutely agree that it's my job to teach my kids (ages 10 & 14). But I won't do a very good job of it if I'm not careful about which battles to fight. There are times when it's totally appropriate to ignore the moodiness and surliness. And there are times when it's appropriate to address it.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2015 19:52     Subject: Re:"Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:the parenting classes I've taken pretty much say to ignore tone and focus on actions. If they're doing what you ask, just pretend you didn't notice the sarcasm in the tone.

This is rather hard to do, of course.

A friend just posted this to FB today. Maybe it's helpful?

http://www.emotionalgeographic.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you
Like employers, professors and police officers are going to ignore "tone." Part of our job is to teach them how to behave in the world.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2015 12:52     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
I usually counter with "Watch your tone" and that tends to be enough. I have a good and complaint kid in general so I know when she gets sassy it's probably related to something else. I'm also a big fan of the arched eyebrow/"Excuse me" response if you have a kid that respects it. I've used it since my kids were tiny and it stops them in their tracks (or at least sends them wandering away and not doing it again!)
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2015 10:32     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:

I remember reading this advice (can't remember where) and trying it out on my oldest (who's now 24). He smiled very sweetly and said, "What's the magic word?" And he was absolutely right -- it's important to say please and thank you, even when your request is one you've made a gazilion times.

My advice: avoid the lectures, but model civility. Ditto with tone of voice. If they give you snarky tone, you can just say in a calm way, "Let's try that one again, OK." It's important to teach your children how not to take their bad moods out on others.



I agree with this approach. I tell my child that it is his job to be polite & respectful to me, in exchange, I will love him & take care of him. I tell him he can be mad, upset, annoyed, pissed off, whatever...but he must control his words & actions. If he slips up with a rude, "what!!?" my reponse is "Excuse me?" and maybe an arched eyebrow.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2015 09:13     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
The occasional slip doesn't bother me, though I'll point it out: a huffy "OK" earns a cheerful (not sarcastic) "Sure thing, Mom!" from me. If they want to turn that into a fight, we can do that, but usually I get a sheepish shrug or a "That's what I meant," and that's enough acknowledgement for me.

This isn't really that different from when they were little: "I want more corn!" got them more corn, but as I was providing it, I'd say "May I have more corn, please?" just to remind them of the right thing to say.

I think you can remind your kids of the rules without turning every lapse into an opportunity for them to beg forgiveness for their transgressions.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2015 19:25     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Our 14yo DD is a great kid, but definitely metamorphosed into an often cranky teenager this past year. Sometimes it seems as though every single interaction we have with her is laced with her sharp-edged tone. Call her name, and she replies "What?!"; ask or remind her to do something, and she cuts us off brusquely with "okay, okay!" and leaves the room while we're still talking; and don't even get me started on her "sorry"s--they are the sorriest and most hostile I've ever heard. I know this all sounds petty, but--wait for it--we never would have spoken to our parents that way.

Do you tolerate this kind back talk from your teens? If not, what is the consequence and--most important--does it work?


Honestly, you really might be talking too much. Not that that justifies her behavior, but take a look at yourself and see if you're rambling, repeating yourself, or expecting her to listen to the same lecture over and over. Most reminders can be issued in one short sentence.


Even better if done in one word. Eg "Coat" means please hang up your coat.


I remember reading this advice (can't remember where) and trying it out on my oldest (who's now 24). He smiled very sweetly and said, "What's the magic word?" And he was absolutely right -- it's important to say please and thank you, even when your request is one you've made a gazilion times.

My advice: avoid the lectures, but model civility. Ditto with tone of voice. If they give you snarky tone, you can just say in a calm way, "Let's try that one again, OK." It's important to teach your children how not to take their bad moods out on others.

Anonymous
Post 07/13/2015 19:02     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
I pick my battles carefully. Teens experiment with behavior, and teens have too many hormones to see straight sometimes. yeah, I work on tone, and do my best not to tolerate nonsense, but. Am also careful to ask little and give space when my kid is clearly suffering from a case of the teens.

Also, lesson learned to my chagrin, I advise listening to your own tone when interrupted, asked a stupid question, or whatever ticks you off. Perhaps you may hear something familiar in your teen's obnoxious tone?

Anonymous
Post 07/13/2015 17:36     Subject: Re:"Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
the parenting classes I've taken pretty much say to ignore tone and focus on actions. If they're doing what you ask, just pretend you didn't notice the sarcasm in the tone.

This is rather hard to do, of course.

A friend just posted this to FB today. Maybe it's helpful?

http://www.emotionalgeographic.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2015 17:14     Subject: Re:"Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
I don't react to every episode of disrespectful behavior from my teens (14 and 17) because it is normal for them to act this way. I know it, they know it and well all know that no one really enjoys it. I prefer to just distract them from whatever is making them grumpy and snarly (if possible) and let them know that it's not appreciated if they keep it up for days and days on end. They appreciate being given some space to be grumpy in their own homes and I see no reason to believe that it is going to lead them to permanently disrespect me. The 14 year old is just starting it and the 17 year old is hopefully nearing the end of it and becoming a pleasant person.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2015 16:54     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:I'm just reading the book "I'd Listen to My Parents If They'd Just Shut Up," by Anthony Wolf, about communicating with teens. I highly recommend it. I haven't finished the whole thing, but I suspect on this point he'd recommend not engaging


b/c everyone needs another book on parenting. . .

If you don't engage, the kid wins that seemingly insignificant battle at home and eventually loses a larger battle in life.

Parents - you need a book to teach you this?
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2015 15:35     Subject: "Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Our 14yo DD is a great kid, but definitely metamorphosed into an often cranky teenager this past year. Sometimes it seems as though every single interaction we have with her is laced with her sharp-edged tone. Call her name, and she replies "What?!"; ask or remind her to do something, and she cuts us off brusquely with "okay, okay!" and leaves the room while we're still talking; and don't even get me started on her "sorry"s--they are the sorriest and most hostile I've ever heard. I know this all sounds petty, but--wait for it--we never would have spoken to our parents that way.

Do you tolerate this kind back talk from your teens? If not, what is the consequence and--most important--does it work?


Mom of a 14 year old who is also a great kid and also engages in rude "teenagery" nonsense here:

A response of "What?!?!" would result in a calm: "Try that again."

Walking away while I'm talking would result in me letting ds go wherever he's going and then about 2 minutes later going to that room and calmly saying, "I need to see your phone. Please give it to me now." With the phone in hand, I'd then say, "Walking away from me or anyone while they're talking is rude and disrespectful. This phone is mine until tomorrow. If you choose to do that rude behavior again, it will be gone for 2 days." I'd then walk away. NO MORE CONVERSATION.

There's no "Sorry, sorry." You just have to take it away and be done. If you don't and end up giving it back with the "sorry's" then you're dead in the water. My kid never does that "Sorry, sorry, sorry" because he knows I mean business with the consequence.


What do you do when DS claims he can't find his phone to give it to you (if its not in his hand).


Hmm, well that's never happened. But I guess if it did, I'd simply wait until he had it. It's his lifeline, so it will make its appearance soon enough. I don't need the consequence to be given out in that moment. I'm happy to wait until later that day. And if you recall, I don't say that the phone is gone until I have it in my hand. That's when I make the connection between the rude behavior and the loss of the privilege of having a phone. If at a later time, he tried to play around and not give it over, saying it's lost or whatever, he knows we'd shut the whole phone off as well as wi-fi and spending time with friends. He knows giving it over right away results in a "lesser" consequence than his parents pulling out all the stops.