Anonymous
Post 07/13/2015 10:33     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
Anonymous wrote:OP again. What do you do when your children notice MILs favoritism for the other siblings/grandchildren?


Out of state, non-favorite PP again.

I try to be honest, yet not harsh, and show as little resentment as possible. But I want my kids to know that their grandparents' choices have very little to do with them. My wife makes a point to bring up their successes with my ILs- daughter was state champion in gymnastics, son led the team in tackles in the playoff game, both got 4.0 GPA last semester, son just got a 30 on the ACT- so my wife will say she talked to the ILs and pass along their "congratulations".

Ultimately, all that I can do is praise my children for their successes and show them how proud I am and how much I love them. I won't be totally blunt but I'm not going to sugar coat things too much. They're old enough and smart enough to know that words are cheap and actions generally show a person's true feelings. So no matter what I say, it won't make up for the fact that they've seen their grandparents once in the past 4 years while they visit their cousins 10+ times per year.

I believe that if we lied or tried to sugar coat things, it would undermine our credibility with other issues. My ILs are full of shit, no need for me to be as well.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2015 10:17     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
OP again. What do you do when your children notice MILs favoritism for the other siblings/grandchildren?
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2015 09:51     Subject: Re:Does your MIL ignore you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My ILs live out of state and they never visit me or one of my wife's sisters. But they manage to visit a third sister about 10 times per year (also out of state). They know they're welcome, we've done everything we can to be gracious hosts. But they've clearly chosen favorites and its not us. So they have no relationship with five of their grandchildren except (on occasion) speaking with them on the phone. When that does happen, they've managed to talk about the two grandchildren the DO see regularly. My wife is hurt and resentful and unfortunately that has manifested in my daughter as well. My son honestly doesn't think about them at all.

I'm pretty much past all of it. They're free to make whatever choices they want, we'll see if things change in the future but its going to be tough to reestablish any kind of relationship with them. No real chance of them ever having a relationship with our kids- son is off to college in a year and daughter would take a lot of time and effort to bring around. I've quietly wondered if the next time my kids see them will be at one of their funerals. I don't understand how they can consciously make that choice.

Its really sad, especially in contrast with my parents who are actively involved with our lives despite their failing health in the last few years.


I always wondered how parents can do that. I am an only child, but my mil does the same thing to my husband. His sister was the golden child, and she works her into every conversation, I dont care what the subject is. We have given her the only grandchildren that she will have, and yet she takes no interest in them. I get so mad! Not for me, because I couldnt care less, but it really hurts my husband even now. Its like he still tries to curry favor with them and they dont care.


+1

OP here. That happens too, which only exacerbates the situation. MIL's "too bad" attitude is one for the sh*tter.

Anonymous
Post 07/12/2015 18:44     Subject: Re:Does your MIL ignore you?
Anonymous wrote:My ILs live out of state and they never visit me or one of my wife's sisters. But they manage to visit a third sister about 10 times per year (also out of state). They know they're welcome, we've done everything we can to be gracious hosts. But they've clearly chosen favorites and its not us. So they have no relationship with five of their grandchildren except (on occasion) speaking with them on the phone. When that does happen, they've managed to talk about the two grandchildren the DO see regularly. My wife is hurt and resentful and unfortunately that has manifested in my daughter as well. My son honestly doesn't think about them at all.

I'm pretty much past all of it. They're free to make whatever choices they want, we'll see if things change in the future but its going to be tough to reestablish any kind of relationship with them. No real chance of them ever having a relationship with our kids- son is off to college in a year and daughter would take a lot of time and effort to bring around. I've quietly wondered if the next time my kids see them will be at one of their funerals. I don't understand how they can consciously make that choice.

Its really sad, especially in contrast with my parents who are actively involved with our lives despite their failing health in the last few years.


I always wondered how parents can do that. I am an only child, but my mil does the same thing to my husband. His sister was the golden child, and she works her into every conversation, I dont care what the subject is. We have given her the only grandchildren that she will have, and yet she takes no interest in them. I get so mad! Not for me, because I couldnt care less, but it really hurts my husband even now. Its like he still tries to curry favor with them and they dont care.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2015 16:38     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
Yes, finally! After years and years of trying to get rid of her, she finally ignores me. I am a happy wife.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2015 15:46     Subject: Re:Does your MIL ignore you?
I wish she'd ignore us, but mine is practically a stalker.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2015 08:51     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If I prepare something to eat, my MIL will decline to eat it, every time. And when she and FIL came to my parents' house once, my mom prepared iced tea, lemonade, water of course. And some light food, ready to eat. MIL would not even have a glass of water. No food. "No thank you, no thank you". Just perched on the edge of her seat looking disdainful until they left 20 min later. My mom had prepared for their visit and was very hurt.


I would be so done with her. That's so rude!


+1

MILs who act out toward their DILs have serious problems that existed LOOOOOONG before the Dil existed!

Anonymous
Post 07/11/2015 20:27     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
Anonymous wrote:Hey OP! Did your MIL attend your bridal shower? Mine didn't and neither did my SOIL, or anyone else from my DH's side of the family! I win, I win! Being ignored by my MIL used to really bother me but now I just ignore her. She loves our child so that is a plus. The only plus.


Thanks for your post! OP here. MIL and SILs did attend, reluctantly. I think it may have made them have more animosity for me and our family. As if nothing we do is right - we can't do enough for them, that's for sure! Somehow, they feel entitled, and if we are not going to play by their rules (see my prior arsekissing post), then they want no part of me. The more they see positive on my side, the more negative they are to me. Evil people, really.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2015 16:15     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
Hey OP! Did your MIL attend your bridal shower? Mine didn't and neither did my SOIL, or anyone else from my DH's side of the family! I win, I win! Being ignored by my MIL used to really bother me but now I just ignore her. She loves our child so that is a plus. The only plus.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2015 13:32     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
Anonymous wrote:If I prepare something to eat, my MIL will decline to eat it, every time. And when she and FIL came to my parents' house once, my mom prepared iced tea, lemonade, water of course. And some light food, ready to eat. MIL would not even have a glass of water. No food. "No thank you, no thank you". Just perched on the edge of her seat looking disdainful until they left 20 min later. My mom had prepared for their visit and was very hurt.


I would be so done with her. That's so rude!
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2015 13:31     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
Anonymous wrote:I am interested in in responses DILs who have a less than nice MIL (as opposed to MILs I describe).

If you, as a DIL, have gone the extra mile, participated in anything possible (with a smile and a casserole, for that matter), and MIL is still a witch - is the only option to send DH on his merry way to see her? What if MIL ignores your children and does what little she does do for bragging rights only? MIL is flat affect, and it is difficult tot relate, to say the least.


I don't get along with my ILs. DH doesn't get along with my mother. I take the kids to see my mother. He takes the kids to see his parents. Neither one of us has to deal with the ILs.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2015 11:55     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
Anonymous wrote:If I prepare something to eat, my MIL will decline to eat it, every time. And when she and FIL came to my parents' house once, my mom prepared iced tea, lemonade, water of course. And some light food, ready to eat. MIL would not even have a glass of water. No food. "No thank you, no thank you". Just perched on the edge of her seat looking disdainful until they left 20 min later. My mom had prepared for their visit and was very hurt.


This is so horrible! They only stayed for 20 minutes? What a B!
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2015 11:44     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
If I prepare something to eat, my MIL will decline to eat it, every time. And when she and FIL came to my parents' house once, my mom prepared iced tea, lemonade, water of course. And some light food, ready to eat. MIL would not even have a glass of water. No food. "No thank you, no thank you". Just perched on the edge of her seat looking disdainful until they left 20 min later. My mom had prepared for their visit and was very hurt.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2015 11:29     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes it a general practice to ignore me whenever she can. When she is not ignoring me she makes a point to negate everything I say and likes to go against our wishes for food, tv watching, and every other topic you can imagine. It is very stressful being around her but she genuinely loves our DS so there is that.


Thank you for your post! OP here. I am obviously thinking about this too much, I realize, but it has come to a head recently. I suppose I would feel better if she saw our children or showed any warmth. I realize she is probably depressed, and I can not help her with that, but it is awful to see. Kind of heart wrenching, as we see warm, involved grandparents, seemingly twice her age, every day!

This is just part of the problem. Btu as an example, when traveling, we see 90+ frail women chasing toddlers around airports (or even hot weather!), for long periods of time, as if it was normal for them. I know Mil will never (ever) be that; be geez, apply minimal effort, get excited about something, anything. As for me, I know she will always ignore me, which is fine. But don't be rude to my kids - they are not stupid, they know.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2015 10:46     Subject: Does your MIL ignore you?
My MIL makes it a general practice to ignore me whenever she can. When she is not ignoring me she makes a point to negate everything I say and likes to go against our wishes for food, tv watching, and every other topic you can imagine. It is very stressful being around her but she genuinely loves our DS so there is that.