Well, OP I will tell you this. I am married to a similar person who feels the need to blow up at me and scream really mean things to me about every three months or so. This weekend he called me a "f-ing liar, an f-ing mental case, and an f-ing drunk" in front of our 6 year old.

Yes, I am researching ways to leave. It will get worse with children.

I got nothing helpful to say except hugs to you, OP. You do not deserve to live your life walking on eggshells.

Why would you marry a man with temper issues/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP this will get exponentially worse with children. Children bring another level of chaos, mess, lack of sleep, unpredictable plans. That would put your husband over the edge. And he would have more people to scream at. How old are you OP?

Almost 40

Freeze your eggs and leave him. Best wishes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through this with my husband. In my mind, he would overreact. A lot. I also do not tolerate yelling. At all - total deal breaker for me. It took me threatening to leave (I actually was ready to file - so it was not an idle threat) to wake him up. He still gets frustrated - but doesn't yell (at least not at me). He is not perfect, by any stretch, but he really makes an effort. And, for what it is worth, we do have a two year old - he is incredibly patient with him (something I probably would not have predicted). He is truly an amazing father.

OP here - I should mention that my husband has started meditating with an app on his phone, recommended by his therapist. It's just 10 minutes a day but it has helped and he blows up a lot less than he used to. He is trying. I also believe he would be patient with a child - but what difference does that make if our kid still hears or witnesses him losing his shit? A child will blame him- or herself for Daddy's anger. "It's nothing personal" does not compute to a little kid, and that kind of disruption is traumatizing.

He will lose his shit with and due to a child. What makes you think he'd treat a child any differently?

Please don't have children with this man. You will wake up every morning and regret it. Freeze your eggs if you have to, but don't have a kid. Get out now. Kids make it so much worse.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP this will get exponentially worse with children. Children bring another level of chaos, mess, lack of sleep, unpredictable plans. That would put your husband over the edge. And he would have more people to scream at. How old are you OP?

Almost 40

Honestly OP this will get exponentially worse with children. Children bring another level of chaos, mess, lack of sleep, unpredictable plans. That would put your husband over the edge. And he would have more people to scream at. How old are you OP?

Anonymous wrote:I went through this with my husband. In my mind, he would overreact. A lot. I also do not tolerate yelling. At all - total deal breaker for me. It took me threatening to leave (I actually was ready to file - so it was not an idle threat) to wake him up. He still gets frustrated - but doesn't yell (at least not at me). He is not perfect, by any stretch, but he really makes an effort. And, for what it is worth, we do have a two year old - he is incredibly patient with him (something I probably would not have predicted). He is truly an amazing father.

OP here - I should mention that my husband has started meditating with an app on his phone, recommended by his therapist. It's just 10 minutes a day but it has helped and he blows up a lot less than he used to. He is trying. I also believe he would be patient with a child - but what difference does that make if our kid still hears or witnesses him losing his shit? A child will blame him- or herself for Daddy's anger. "It's nothing personal" does not compute to a little kid, and that kind of disruption is traumatizing.

What is he doing to treat his OCD?

My dad was a lot like your DH -- he would be great, fun, the life of the party, and then suddenly snap over something that most people would find inconsequential. I have suspected for years that he also suffered from OCD. He only got worse as time went on. It made my life miserable as a kid; I never knew whether to expect "Fun Dad" or "Enraged Dad." Just thinking about it makes me feel anxious and unhappy.

I understand your reasons for getting the embryos now, but please do not move forward with attempting a pregnancy until your DH has taken serious steps to treat his OCD. You should both probably try marriage counseling as well.

Anonymous wrote:^^Is not near.^^

OP here - I also feel so much more calm when he is not around. He wants to go on vacation next month and I get a knot in my stomach thinking about it - because experience has taught me that on long car trips he will inevitably lose him temper over traffic or because I can't navigate in an area that is foreign to me, and then I'm trapped in the car, far from home, with a temporary maniac.

Anonymous wrote:I think medication is worth a serious shot. High anxiety can lead to anger and lashing out. Going to his next therapy appointment is a great plan.

I know you won't like to hear this, but I would put IVF on hold for now. And I think that's good not only because you won't be bringing a child in until you feel on more certain footing, but also because it will show him how serious this issue is.

+1 to the bold. I say this as someone who went through multiple rounds of IVF (if that's relevant), but, more importantly, grew up with a parent like your DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think medication is worth a serious shot. High anxiety can lead to anger and lashing out. Going to his next therapy appointment is a great plan.

I know you won't like to hear this, but I would put IVF on hold for now. And I think that's good not only because you won't be bringing a child in until you feel on more certain footing, but also because it will show him how serious this issue is.

Unfortunately we are sort of out of time on IVF. We did one round and discovered my eggs are mostly bad; we chose to do a second round ASAP to make embryos from whatever good eggs are left. I think delaying embryo transfer would be for the best now (we are only doing frozen transfers anyway so there is time). But we have to make the embryos now or never.

That's fair, I think that's fine.

I went through this with my husband. In my mind, he would overreact. A lot. I also do not tolerate yelling. At all - total deal breaker for me. It took me threatening to leave (I actually was ready to file - so it was not an idle threat) to wake him up. He still gets frustrated - but doesn't yell (at least not at me). He is not perfect, by any stretch, but he really makes an effort. And, for what it is worth, we do have a two year old - he is incredibly patient with him (something I probably would not have predicted). He is truly an amazing father.

Anonymous wrote:Medication won't cure his anger hon. Don't be a fool.

I don't think this is necessarily true - I think there are some situations in which anxiety builds up so much, it is let out through some means (whether it be an OCD ritual, drugs/overeating, anger, shutting down & sleeping excessively, etc) -- and then the person returns to "normal." If medication can help prevent the build up of anxiety, there may not need to be the release .

I'm not saying that *is* the cause for the OP's husband, but I am saying that the scenario she laid out is so over-the-top ridiculous (getting mad because your spouse is vacuuming while you are showering, having irrational thoughts about getting electrocuted), that it seems like his mental health is playing in here somehow. I'm not surprised to hear he isn't medicated, and for some people, medication can alleviate some of those behaviors.

I think it's worth a try to be open-minded about medication to save a marriage -- but I do think child bearing should be set aside while they figure that out.