Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 08:55     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:Does the DH think she's going to have sex with the ex? Or fall back in love with him?

Just the two kids in common should go. Can't take three and leave one behind.


OP here. Agree about not leaving a kid out, but that kid would not want to go anyway. He and my friends ex do not like each other and he is not adventurous. Likes the family room and computer games.
I'm not sure what her DH is thinking. Her ex has always been respectful of him, almost to a fault. Ex pays excessive child support since he wants their mother to not have to work too much so she can be home more with his kids. Ex paid off the house prior to divorce finalization so they would not have to worry. That is the house they still live in. So in a way, ex sort of (maybe) makes her husband feel inadequate. Ex is rich, a one percenter. He knows he was a bad first husband and has done everything to make up for that....this is where it gets tricky, and this is why I think her husband is concerned.
I actually think the trip could remind my friend why she divorced him. She is not spontaneous enough to rekindle anything. Ex always sort of thought she was crazy, he wouldn't.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 08:33     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Does the DH think she's going to have sex with the ex? Or fall back in love with him?

Just the two kids in common should go. Can't take three and leave one behind.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 01:53     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
I think your friend should go on the trip.

Tell her to emphasize to her new husband that it is a trekking adventure in the woods with kids...This is not some tropical adult vacation.

It will help improve communication between these former family members too and mostly, it is a nice trip for the teen kids.

I can't think of any reason she should not go on this trip of a lifetime.

They have been divorced a long time. they are co-parents. This is a nice co-parenting adventure.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2015 23:49     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
She knew when she married #2 that he was not a willing participant in outdoor activities so the whole 12 years without camping sob story does not get my sympathy. I think she should send her older two and tell them if they enjoy it, she would be happy to take them again to something similar (teher have to be tours if she's not up to going solo)

She should stay home and use the time to take control of her other child. Let this exclusion be a big red flag that help is needed!!
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2015 20:46     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does she want her second marriage to fail also? Really, can't she go on an organized camping trip to the Sierras with a group tour or something similar? If she's so excited about camping, can't she pull together a camping trip herself or with like-minded campers?

Excluding DH2 and troublesome kid are huge red flags! What kind of mom is she?

She needs help with the annoying kid -- does he have some sort of ASD issues? Really, no kid should be that annoying, and if he is, he needs treatment, therapy, etc. She should be focusing on that instead of going camping with ex.

The whole things sounds dysfunctional and very immature. If DH2 can't go camping, she needs to be more respectful about how he feels! No wonder her first marriage failed!!




OP here. It has been twelve years of no outdoor trips for her[u]. I think that her ex would not object to brining her DH along, but her older kids would prefer not (they actually get along with their step father) because they want to have their parents alone together. That younger child is the last person you want on a camping trip! If things aren't perfect he is a mess. My friend wants to be on this trip with her kids.


She can't manage to take her kids camping by herself with her kids, separately? Why not? Her husband can't go, but if she is this in love with the outdoor life, he surely would understand if she planned and did a camping/hiking/etc. trip with the kids but without him. Some folks are posting how this is a fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime trip, but why can't she arrange her own trip and not have to cadge one off her ex? Maybe she can't afford this kind of trip herself. Too bad. She can plan and save for one, or find a smaller-scale one that doesn't require her to sponge off her ex for something SHE wants to do. She loves to camp and hike? She can make that happen for herself, and not use her current husband's disability as an excuse, unless he needs her constant care; but that can't be the case, if she can leave him long enough for this trip with the ex and kids.

She should let her ex be the parent and not attach herself even if the kids want her there. I guess she's willing to play buffer for a week between the kids and dad's strictness, as you describe it, so she can get in her desired trip.

OP, you're a good friend to be concerned and to want to answer the husband's inquiry carefully. But this is quite a can of worms because I suspect the woman resents her husband's disability keeping her from doing things she wants to do and being her "old self" who was outdoorsy (and who knows what other resentments she and the current husband have going on). Do you think that might be the bigger case here? I'd stay out of it and just say, "I understand your wanting input here, but I don't have any experience of the idea of ex-spouses vacationing together and wouldn't want to get involved."

There was some other thread on here a while back, I think, about the idea of exes vacationing together with their kids--maybe look that one up for other ideas.


I certainly would not go camping as a woman by myself out in the middle of nowhere. It helps to have someone who is very experienced with that kind of thing.
I read parts of Stephen Hawkings ex wife's book and it seems like people in her role need a break from time to time.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2015 17:06     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does she want her second marriage to fail also? Really, can't she go on an organized camping trip to the Sierras with a group tour or something similar? If she's so excited about camping, can't she pull together a camping trip herself or with like-minded campers?

Excluding DH2 and troublesome kid are huge red flags! What kind of mom is she?

She needs help with the annoying kid -- does he have some sort of ASD issues? Really, no kid should be that annoying, and if he is, he needs treatment, therapy, etc. She should be focusing on that instead of going camping with ex.

The whole things sounds dysfunctional and very immature. If DH2 can't go camping, she needs to be more respectful about how he feels! No wonder her first marriage failed!!




OP here. It has been twelve years of no outdoor trips for her[u]. I think that her ex would not object to brining her DH along, but her older kids would prefer not (they actually get along with their step father) because they want to have their parents alone together. That younger child is the last person you want on a camping trip! If things aren't perfect he is a mess. My friend wants to be on this trip with her kids.


She can't manage to take her kids camping by herself with her kids, separately? Why not? Her husband can't go, but if she is this in love with the outdoor life, he surely would understand if she planned and did a camping/hiking/etc. trip with the kids but without him. Some folks are posting how this is a fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime trip, but why can't she arrange her own trip and not have to cadge one off her ex? Maybe she can't afford this kind of trip herself. Too bad. She can plan and save for one, or find a smaller-scale one that doesn't require her to sponge off her ex for something SHE wants to do. She loves to camp and hike? She can make that happen for herself, and not use her current husband's disability as an excuse, unless he needs her constant care; but that can't be the case, if she can leave him long enough for this trip with the ex and kids.

She should let her ex be the parent and not attach herself even if the kids want her there. I guess she's willing to play buffer for a week between the kids and dad's strictness, as you describe it, so she can get in her desired trip.

OP, you're a good friend to be concerned and to want to answer the husband's inquiry carefully. But this is quite a can of worms because I suspect the woman resents her husband's disability keeping her from doing things she wants to do and being her "old self" who was outdoorsy (and who knows what other resentments she and the current husband have going on). Do you think that might be the bigger case here? I'd stay out of it and just say, "I understand your wanting input here, but I don't have any experience of the idea of ex-spouses vacationing together and wouldn't want to get involved."

There was some other thread on here a while back, I think, about the idea of exes vacationing together with their kids--maybe look that one up for other ideas.


I am one of those PPs. To address some of your points, I highly doubt cost is the deterring factor - backpacking trips are in general pretty cheap vacations. Even if you don't have your gear you can probably borrow it from someone for free, and you need food wherever you are, so it's really just the cost of transportation and some minimal permit fee.

That said there can be a HUGE logistical and psychological barrier to these types of trips, especially for women, who for numerous reasons don't feel skilled enough or competent enough to lead these kinds of trips, especially on their own with their kids. Many years in the Sierra there could still be snow on the passes (not a problem this year), and in many locations if you run into trouble you are still facing a hard day or two hike out to get help. Women on trail without a man are still unusual enough to be looked at askance, though thankfully this is changing, and don't get me started on the crap you get as a woman if you mention the idea of going solo. And if you don't want to go solo you either need to scrounge up a hiking partner from your circle of friends (not easy) or somehow find a stranger who would want to go (which has its own issues.)

All of which is to say it may not be as simple as saying 'just take yourself'.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2015 15:56     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does she want her second marriage to fail also? Really, can't she go on an organized camping trip to the Sierras with a group tour or something similar? If she's so excited about camping, can't she pull together a camping trip herself or with like-minded campers?

Excluding DH2 and troublesome kid are huge red flags! What kind of mom is she?

She needs help with the annoying kid -- does he have some sort of ASD issues? Really, no kid should be that annoying, and if he is, he needs treatment, therapy, etc. She should be focusing on that instead of going camping with ex.

The whole things sounds dysfunctional and very immature. If DH2 can't go camping, she needs to be more respectful about how he feels! No wonder her first marriage failed!!




OP here. It has been twelve years of no outdoor trips for her[u]. I think that her ex would not object to brining her DH along, but her older kids would prefer not (they actually get along with their step father) because they want to have their parents alone together. That younger child is the last person you want on a camping trip! If things aren't perfect he is a mess. My friend wants to be on this trip with her kids.


She can't manage to take her kids camping by herself with her kids, separately? Why not? Her husband can't go, but if she is this in love with the outdoor life, he surely would understand if she planned and did a camping/hiking/etc. trip with the kids but without him. Some folks are posting how this is a fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime trip, but why can't she arrange her own trip and not have to cadge one off her ex? Maybe she can't afford this kind of trip herself. Too bad. She can plan and save for one, or find a smaller-scale one that doesn't require her to sponge off her ex for something SHE wants to do. She loves to camp and hike? She can make that happen for herself, and not use her current husband's disability as an excuse, unless he needs her constant care; but that can't be the case, if she can leave him long enough for this trip with the ex and kids.

She should let her ex be the parent and not attach herself even if the kids want her there. I guess she's willing to play buffer for a week between the kids and dad's strictness, as you describe it, so she can get in her desired trip.

OP, you're a good friend to be concerned and to want to answer the husband's inquiry carefully. But this is quite a can of worms because I suspect the woman resents her husband's disability keeping her from doing things she wants to do and being her "old self" who was outdoorsy (and who knows what other resentments she and the current husband have going on). Do you think that might be the bigger case here? I'd stay out of it and just say, "I understand your wanting input here, but I don't have any experience of the idea of ex-spouses vacationing together and wouldn't want to get involved."

There was some other thread on here a while back, I think, about the idea of exes vacationing together with their kids--maybe look that one up for other ideas.


I wondered this too. The mom can only manage if the ex husband plans everything for her? WTH. This trip is a weird proposition.

But to answer your question, OP, I wouldn't get involved by answering anything.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2015 15:49     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does she want her second marriage to fail also? Really, can't she go on an organized camping trip to the Sierras with a group tour or something similar? If she's so excited about camping, can't she pull together a camping trip herself or with like-minded campers?

Excluding DH2 and troublesome kid are huge red flags! What kind of mom is she?

She needs help with the annoying kid -- does he have some sort of ASD issues? Really, no kid should be that annoying, and if he is, he needs treatment, therapy, etc. She should be focusing on that instead of going camping with ex.

The whole things sounds dysfunctional and very immature. If DH2 can't go camping, she needs to be more respectful about how he feels! No wonder her first marriage failed!!




OP here. It has been twelve years of no outdoor trips for her[u]. I think that her ex would not object to brining her DH along, but her older kids would prefer not (they actually get along with their step father) because they want to have their parents alone together. That younger child is the last person you want on a camping trip! If things aren't perfect he is a mess. My friend wants to be on this trip with her kids.


She can't manage to take her kids camping by herself with her kids, separately? Why not? Her husband can't go, but if she is this in love with the outdoor life, he surely would understand if she planned and did a camping/hiking/etc. trip with the kids but without him. Some folks are posting how this is a fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime trip, but why can't she arrange her own trip and not have to cadge one off her ex? Maybe she can't afford this kind of trip herself. Too bad. She can plan and save for one, or find a smaller-scale one that doesn't require her to sponge off her ex for something SHE wants to do. She loves to camp and hike? She can make that happen for herself, and not use her current husband's disability as an excuse, unless he needs her constant care; but that can't be the case, if she can leave him long enough for this trip with the ex and kids.

She should let her ex be the parent and not attach herself even if the kids want her there. I guess she's willing to play buffer for a week between the kids and dad's strictness, as you describe it, so she can get in her desired trip.

OP, you're a good friend to be concerned and to want to answer the husband's inquiry carefully. But this is quite a can of worms because I suspect the woman resents her husband's disability keeping her from doing things she wants to do and being her "old self" who was outdoorsy (and who knows what other resentments she and the current husband have going on). Do you think that might be the bigger case here? I'd stay out of it and just say, "I understand your wanting input here, but I don't have any experience of the idea of ex-spouses vacationing together and wouldn't want to get involved."

There was some other thread on here a while back, I think, about the idea of exes vacationing together with their kids--maybe look that one up for other ideas.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2015 14:06     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:
OP here. It has been twelve years of no outdoor trips for her. I think that her ex would not object to brining her DH along, but her older kids would prefer not (they actually get along with their step father) because they want to have their parents alone together. That younger child is the last person you want on a camping trip! If things aren't perfect he is a mess. My friend wants to be on this trip with her kids.


Bucket list PP here. If I hadn't been backpacking in 12 years and someone dangled a Sierra trip in front of me I would have to actively hate their guts to say No. And even then I'd be really, really tempted. The Sierra are just that amazing. Muir didn't call it the 'Range of Light' for nothing.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2015 13:41     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
I think she should go, but only with the older two kids. Even if the youngest is a pain, I wouldn't exclude just him.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2015 11:10     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:Does she want her second marriage to fail also? Really, can't she go on an organized camping trip to the Sierras with a group tour or something similar? If she's so excited about camping, can't she pull together a camping trip herself or with like-minded campers?

Excluding DH2 and troublesome kid are huge red flags! What kind of mom is she?

She needs help with the annoying kid -- does he have some sort of ASD issues? Really, no kid should be that annoying, and if he is, he needs treatment, therapy, etc. She should be focusing on that instead of going camping with ex.

The whole things sounds dysfunctional and very immature. If DH2 can't go camping, she needs to be more respectful about how he feels! No wonder her first marriage failed!!




OP here. It has been twelve years of no outdoor trips for her. I think that her ex would not object to brining her DH along, but her older kids would prefer not (they actually get along with their step father) because they want to have their parents alone together. That younger child is the last person you want on a camping trip! If things aren't perfect he is a mess. My friend wants to be on this trip with her kids.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2015 10:18     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
It sounds like an amazing trip. Sort of mean for him to get huffy about it, if he wouldn't want to go camping with her.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2015 10:13     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Does she want her second marriage to fail also? Really, can't she go on an organized camping trip to the Sierras with a group tour or something similar? If she's so excited about camping, can't she pull together a camping trip herself or with like-minded campers?

Excluding DH2 and troublesome kid are huge red flags! What kind of mom is she?

She needs help with the annoying kid -- does he have some sort of ASD issues? Really, no kid should be that annoying, and if he is, he needs treatment, therapy, etc. She should be focusing on that instead of going camping with ex.

The whole things sounds dysfunctional and very immature. If DH2 can't go camping, she needs to be more respectful about how he feels! No wonder her first marriage failed!!

Anonymous
Post 06/27/2015 10:03     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
The husband's objection and the exclusion of one child would make it out of the question for me.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2015 18:32     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
If do it in a second if I were her. For many reasons.

I hope her dh sucks it up. I hope they just take their kids. I wouldn't want to exclude the brat but I sure as hell wouldnt bring him either. I hope you tell him it's a great idea instead if wrecking it for her.