You should ask for details for clarification even though he is long gone. It is part of your family history.

It is quite disturbing that you knew this secret and knew that the family celebrated him, yet you looked the other way. Sounds like your grandfather was involved in a crime and you and your mother protected the secret from each other. At least your cousin's grandmother told her about it.

You are not entitled to know everything about long dead relatives, op. If you mother had wanted you to know, she would have told you.


BTW, I have spent quite a bit of time with elderly relatives. Facts can often be mixed with fantasy and reality jumbled by dementia and drugs. What your cousin thinks she knows may never have happened. Tread carefully.

Why exactly do you hope to accomplish, op? The "perpetrator" is dead. Unless some form of restitution can be exacted for living parties, you are stirring the pot for your own selfish curiosity.

How does your cousin know? Her parent? Why don't you ask her for more details since she already knows and heard it first.

My grandma spilled all kinds of family secrets in her last years of dementia, to her favorite child (my aunt). She has passed on some of them, mostly to her nieces (not her brothers) We have a large family, and chatting with the cousins have pieced together some of the story. They are the kindnof details that would only cause pain to the generation affected: children from affair, tricking grandpa into marriage to cover a fling pregnacy, abuse, molestation, horrible things. Grandma apparently was quite the run a round in her day and her kids bore the brunt of this.

Two of the uncles discussed the rumors and decided finding the truth was not important because they were still brothers, and the truth would only cause hurt.

I wouldn't push it with your mom OP. What is the point?

Anonymous wrote:
If he was a Nazi, omg yes, tell me everything! What was that like? Why??

He raped a child? Nope. No thank you. Not interested.

So starving and gassing women and children isn't too horrible to know about?

Anonymous wrote:The man is long dead. Any "justice" died with him. Nothing good can be accomplished by you satisfying your curiosity. What exactly are hoping to happen here?

I doubt the Op is looking for justice as much as she is looking to be not kept in the dark. It seems as though quite a few family members know about this crime committed by this long dead grandfather. Why shouldn't Op know the truth about it too? Assuming there is a truth to know...

If he was a Nazi, omg yes, tell me everything! What was that like? Why??

He raped a child? Nope. No thank you. Not interested.

I would be curious.

And no, I don't think it's unselfish to want to know the truth..

I'd write a book based on it. Claim it was fiction. Make a ton of $$.

The man is long dead. Any "justice" died with him. Nothing good can be accomplished by you satisfying your curiosity. What exactly are hoping to happen here?

None of your business, op.

Anonymous wrote:How does any of this impact you, op? So what if family members covered up something for someone that has been dead for your entire lifetime. What does blowing up the secret accomplish besides blowing up your family. The man is dead. You never knew him. Those who did have put behind what ever it is that he may or may not have done. At this point, I have to quote Hillary and ask what foes it matter? You stand to hurt a lot of people to satisfy your curiosity. Seems kind of self-absorbed.

Without knowing what Grandpa supposedly did it is hard to know how talking about it would "blow up the family". If anything, real living people are said to be covering up some horrible crime. Op's mom knows, her cousin knows....who else in the family "knows"? Op isn't a baby anymore. If there is a deep dark family secret she can hear the truth, too.

Are you sure your mother even knows what he did? Is there a part of you that wants to know if she knows or see how she reacts to finding out?

I wouldn't say anything. It doesn't sound like there's anything to gain by it, other than poisoning your mom's memory of her father.

Anonymous wrote:My mother's stepfather was a member of the KKK. Hard to think of something worse than that. I believe my mother. If you trust your mother to tell you the truth, ask her.

I think OP's grandfather was KKK -- or something similar -- too. I'm guessing the "bad thing" was being present at/participating in a lynching? That fits the idea that he was "guilty by association."

OP, ask yourself what you hope to gain by asking your mother about this. Isee only three possible outcomes:

1. It just upsets her.
2. She tries to deny it, which you won't believe.
3. She tries to justify it, which (as you said) would affect your feelings about her.

I'm not sure there is an upside at this point. Given her age, I think you may have missed your opportunity.

However, I can see your desire to know more, and perhaps to 'right the wrong.' Was this crime solved in its time? I'm guessing your grandfather wasn't punished for it, but were others? Did the victim of the crime get any justice? If not, I think you could pursue it through other channels -- Google, local newspaper archives, Ancestry.com, maybe? - to try and cleanse the family name or at least find out what your grandfather's role really was and whether there is anything you could do at this point to improve the karmic balance.

How does any of this impact you, op? So what if family members covered up something for someone that has been dead for your entire lifetime. What does blowing up the secret accomplish besides blowing up your family. The man is dead. You never knew him. Those who did have put behind what ever it is that he may or may not have done. At this point, I have to quote Hillary and ask what foes it matter? You stand to hurt a lot of people to satisfy your curiosity. Seems kind of self-absorbed.