Anonymous
Post 06/25/2015 09:01     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
Anonymous wrote:Venting here.

I've been married to DH for close to 10 years and have always thought I had a really good relationship with my ILs. We live pretty far away so miss the day to day things, but make it to visit at least a few times per year and they reciprocate visits too. To my face, my MIL has always been friendly and supportive and I've even been honored that she's confided in me about some things. There is some teasing about some ways in which I differ from them (I'm a vegetarian and they aren't, I'm way more liberal politically but only answer things that they've directly asked vs. starting scuffs over differences, don't drink and they do, different religion, and have a much shyer personality than most of them).

I genuinely enjoy my time with them and try to fit in as best I can. My SIL can be a tough one to connect with - very outgoing and friendly, until she has an odd jealous flareup (e.g. my preschool DD playing with one of SIL's childhood toys that she'd forgotten at her parents for decades, til that moment and then SIL decides she must have back and takes it away from my child because she suddenly needs it for her own child instead of waiting until our 3 day visit is over and she lives near her parents). MIL and SIL are very close and constantly talk and text.

I've heard over the years that MIL and SIL regularly dissect me in some pretty unfriendly ways. At first I disregarded it as someone not really hearing what they thought they heard or chalked it up to the fact that they banter about a lot of people, but enough of my other BILs and SILs who are consistently reliable people who make a lot of effort to be a very positive part of our life have heard these exchanges about me (everyone lives close together except us so they get together regularly) and have pointed it out to me, and tonight I really can't write it off as a misunderstanding anymore. It's making me really sad and I'm also feeling pretty hopeless that there's anything that can be done about it. The SIL I can understand would do it based on how I've gotten to know her, but my MIL was hard to take as I've always felt like we had a genuinely good rapport, she praises me to me face, and she does a lot of little things to make me feel included.

I'm fairly socially awkward and I don't have the first idea about how to bring it up. I've known them for so long but suddenly feel like maybe I don't actually know them. If what I've heard is wrong (but I doubt it considering the source) it would be stirring the pot and turning into "that" DIL, and if it's true then I don't think I can necessarily believe anything that's said to my face anyway. DH says that there must be some misunderstanding and that he knows for a fact that MIL loves me etc., but he tends to see things through rose colored glasses and wants everyone to get along strongly enough that he can be a little oblivious sometimes.

I'm feeling really sad and embarrassed. I don't want to bash them - I just want to see if I can set things right. Anyone BTDT?


Sounds like a normal IL relationship to me- normal for even non in-laws, come to think of it. Nothing to set right!
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 23:14     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
OP, I'm kind of in a similar situation, except my MIL is quite harsh when my back is turned. My feelings have definitely gotten hurt and I've learned to just keep them at a distance. I try to make sure DH is their main point of contact and when someone calls me personally, I usually don't answer and have DH call them back (and I'll chime in). I just think they'll talk less if I'm less available. When we're face to face, we all usually do okay.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 22:13     Subject: Re:Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
My grandmother does this though probably not to the extent you experienced. It's not shredding so much as criticizing. When we get together she will frequently criticize my two older cousins. (To be fair there is stuff to criticize ... as there is for all of us!) I think it's more of a therapeutic thing for her; she lives close to them and does a lot for their kids and they do pretty much squat in return, and it gets to her after a while and she wants to bitch about it. My husband and I joke that we wonder what she says about us behind our backs. But truthfully I don't really want to know. So I don't ask. (Pretty sure that if I did ask, she'd be honest.) I'm happy with our relationship and if turns out that she actually thinks I am fat, or ugly, or that my son is less cute/smart/whatever than her other great-grandchildren, I don't want to know any of that.

I wouldn't bother confronting your inlaws. SIL is a catty bitch and that won't change. Like others said, just shut down the gossip mill, and then you don't have to worry about it. Of course, you'll always have a niggling worry that things are not as pleasant as they appear on the surface, but really, who cares, as long as you can all get along most of the time. Getting to the bottom of whatever criticisms they may have is not worth the years of drama that will likely ensue.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 21:24     Subject: Re:Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
This isn't personal, they are gossips and this a part of their bond. Trust me, they are shredding everyone else, too,
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 20:45     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
OP, don't make their "loving" you, or "liking" you important.

Be pleasant, be courteous. That is all you can do. You are expecting way too much, and it's useless. When there is a MIL and she has a daughter, the two of them have a bond. No one is going to be accepted into that inner circle.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 20:38     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
OP, my sister is like this. It is really more about her than you. I say this because my sister literally can not talk about anything but other people. When I am with her, she shreds our SIL, dissecting everything she says and does. She picks apart her best friend. She even goes on and on about coworkers I have never met.

My sister is deeply insecure and does this to feel better about herself. I stopped her from doing it around me by constantly shutting her down each time with a comment along the lines of "wow, I thought you liked person x!" Or "oh, none of us are perfect and I'm sure she is trying her best." If that doesn't work, I get very direct and say "I'm not comfortable talking about others this way. Can we change the subject? HAVE you seen the latest episode of whatever?"
My mother participates with my sister but doesn't do this with anyone else. I think it is the only way she can relate with my sister. It is sad.

I get the sad feelings. Just remember it isn't about you.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 14:33     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
Anonymous wrote:Here's my take on the situation, OP.

Your SIL is genuinely aggressive and spiteful. She sounds mad at the world and she sounds like the instigator here.

On her own, MIL actually likes you. She has confided in you, gets along with you, tries to include you, and has no beef with you. She is a people-pleaser which is her big problem. She will listen when SIL gets catty and not shut her down and provide a greek chorus of affirmation for her. MIL genuinely likes you and gets along with you. But going to try to please both of you. I wouldn't bother with confronting MIL because there's nothing to confront and people like her just shut down when you try to get them to open up to what their "problem" is. There is no problem -- they just bend in the wind.

With SIL, yeah, I would say you could send her an email and say something like "Larla, maybe you could help me out because I've been hearing some upsetting rumors that you are angry with me. Is there anything I have done to offend you? It seems like there are a lot of emails going back and forth about how you are angry with me."


This is pretty close to my read of the situation, too. However, I would go to your MIL and say something like "Jane, I'm really comfortable with you and feel that we get along well, but recently it seems as if things are a little off. Is there anything wrong between us? Anything I can do to make things better between us?" Then just listen. You can end with "Thanks. I really want to get a along with the family, so please let me know anytime if there is something that I can do to keep things friendly between the family."

SiL doesn't like you and likely won't. She's the type that feels threatened when a daughter-in-law is friendly with her mother and she is trying to drive and keep a wedge between the two of you. Petty people like that usually can't be reasoned with and you'll probably only make things worse trying to talk with her. I'd just steer clear with her and try to clear up the waters between you and your MIL.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 14:09     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: But there are always people who would rather continue on in ignorant bliss. YMMV.


I don't think it has to be seen as wanting ignorant bliss, more that you can choose the amount of importance you place on certain things. Catty BS isn't worth the time.

If you're good with yourself and your life, who cares what miserable people have to say behind your back?


No. I'm talking about the people who are questioning why anyone would TELL OP what her MIL is saying. I'm saying she deserves to know and her BIL and SIL should tell her if they care about her. Once she has the info she can decide what to do with it and whether or not to give it no importance in her life. But I think the BIL and SIL are certainly right to tell her, while others on this board think they are just out to make trouble.

I can feel good about my family and my behavior, but if there is a big lie tied up in that I'd be grateful for someone to tell me about it. I don't need to interpret them telling me as "trying to make trouble" for me, but even if they are trying to rain on my parade, I don't care. I'd want to know. Feeling good about a life that is very different from what you think it is essentially IS living in ignorant bliss.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 12:12     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
I am in the same situation, except that it is my MIL's friends and extended family who have been cluing me into her gossiping. I promise you that confronting her, however carefully, will not work. I also promise you that your MIL does not like you as much as you think, but is just smarter about it than your SIL. I actually caught my MIL badmouthing me via email and all she did was play victim and deny everything. Just be glad that you were warned about her and keep her at arms' length. I am cordial with my MIL, but we will never be close.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 11:46     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
Anonymous wrote: But there are always people who would rather continue on in ignorant bliss. YMMV.


I don't think it has to be seen as wanting ignorant bliss, more that you can choose the amount of importance you place on certain things. Catty BS isn't worth the time.

If you're good with yourself and your life, who cares what miserable people have to say behind your back?
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 11:44     Subject: Re:Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
OP, I think your conclusion is a good one.

There are always going to be people who don't like you. Oh well. Their loss.

I wouldn't confront anyone about it either. Frankly, I think that there are way too many bored, insecure women out there who do this sort of stuff. It has everything to do with them, it's not really about you.

Do as you said and rise above. People like that are laughable and lame...
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 11:44     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
I don't think its wrong to tell her if she's confiding in and otherwise treating her MIL like they have a good relationship. She needs to know this shit is going on so she can reevaluate what info she chooses to share with MIL and what kind of visits she wants to have.

Whether they should tell or not reminds me of the debates we have here over whether someone who knows your husband is cheating should tell you. I'd want to know, because I don't want to build my life on a lie. But there are always people who would rather continue on in ignorant bliss. YMMV.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 11:14     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would ask if the one reporting these stories stood up for me. Each time I heard a story I'd say "and what did you say? Please don't report this to me if you aren't defending me. You are just contributing to it."

Oh, and get over being "shy". It's a euphemism fur doormat with people like this.


This. Don't confront MIL or SIL. Just shut down the reporting. In my mind, those folks are just as complicit as the MIL and SIL.


+1. Why are they telling you this?


+1 it's hurtful.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 10:11     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would ask if the one reporting these stories stood up for me. Each time I heard a story I'd say "and what did you say? Please don't report this to me if you aren't defending me. You are just contributing to it."

Oh, and get over being "shy". It's a euphemism fur doormat with people like this.


This. Don't confront MIL or SIL. Just shut down the reporting. In my mind, those folks are just as complicit as the MIL and SIL.


+1. Why are they telling you this?
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 08:34     Subject: Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.
Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks to everyone who offered thoughtful insight.

In the light of day things really do seem much better and it's not the huge deal it felt like in the middle of the night when I woke up worried about it. Yes, the BILs and SILs who were hearing these things were indeed sticking up for me and earning some smack talking of their own, but in the end I can only be who I am and I'll continue to be in the best relationship with them that I can.

I'm not going to go with a big deal conversation about it - my sense is that for this situation, especially being so far away and being a lot of he-said she-said would only incite defensiveness as it has in the past when they've been called on it. They don't apologize, only explain why so and so was wrong for calling them on whatever.

DH has told me again this morning that MIL is who she is, dissects even her dearest friends, and has only ever had good things to say about me to him. I can't change her MO so there's really no point in worrying about it anymore. I'm not perfect obviously, but I can fairly say that I'm always deliberately at my best with them and will continue to do that.


OP again - and yes, DH has always been quick to stand up for me when it was called for. The situation I was talking about was when neither of us were there - he didn't know about it until I told him but we've agreed that responding to long distance heresay is not productive.