Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, suggest that she get a full workup to rule out anemia, vitamin deficiencies, etc. Second, figure out whether she needs more sleep. Third, ask her to find a therapist--CBT or something similar could be very helpful in terms of figuring out what triggers this and how to stop.

Could be a thyroid issue, too.

Aren't these all excuses for bad behaviour?

I think you need to differentiate between an "excuse" (Oh, sorry, I was abused as a child and that makes me snap at everyone) and an underlying cause (low thyroid, which if controlled can make a huge change in someone's behavior, outlook, and demeanor -- almost a different person). Yes, everyone is responsible for how they act, but a physical cause -- a brain tumor, a metabolic deficiency, a syndrome, can cause behavior that literally cannot be controlled. Totally different from running around blaming your disadvantaged childhood.

OP she treats you with disrespect because you tolerate it. Impose consequences on her bad behavior or it won't change.

I can understand your wife because I do something similar, too. It's not constant and usually happens when I'm tired or overly stressed only, but I do exactly what your wife does -- I know I snapped and apologize afterwards and feel bad about it.

I think she is being sincere and truly does feel bad about it, based on my own experience. The first step to stopping this behavior is recognizing that you do it, so this is a really good sign! Unfortunately, it's probably something that's very ingrained in her. Her mother did this, so she's probably done this herself since childhood. Changing those split-moment behaviors is incredibly difficult.

If it's really bothering you, then sit down and have a conversation with her about it. You need to set aside some time to really talk about how it makes you feel and what she thinks would make her feel better. She's probably doing it when she's upset about something and doesn't even realize it. If you think she's going to feel cornered during this discussion, focus on the aspect of "helping her deal with what's bothering you" -- showing concern for her happiness/well-being. This will help her feel more motivated to work on it, rather than feeling even more guilty and upset that she's doing it.

But also let her know how much it hurts you and that simply saying "sorry" afterwards doesn't make the hurt go away. I think about this frequently myself -- that saying "sorry" is a good first step but that actions speak louder than words.

My DH and I tried for a while setting aside one time per week when we would sit down and share our frustrations with each other. It didn't work particularly well because we never felt very frustrated at the time -- but I think it has potential to diffuse some of those things that build up and make us snappy, so give it a try.

Don't consider divorce as other PPs have said. Nothing from your original post makes me think this is such a serious problem that the next step is divorce. If that even crosses your mind, go to therapy first.

She might be bipolar. Maybe she should see a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, as a psychiatrist can prescribe meds.

My DW is a snapper and has anger issues. It culminated in an outburst in front of our older kid after which I basically demanded she go to therapy or I would leave with the kids because the cycle of abuse has to stop somewhere. It was that ugly and I thank god the kid was 2 and not likely to remember. She went and worked through so many things and is still working hard and I am so proud of her commitment to her health, our family's health, and our marriage. It was a game changer.

OP have you worked out in your head where the line is? Because it took me internally deciding that yes, divorce is an option and this is how it would look like and this is how I would approach child custody (and a potential battle). I put all of those cards and the table and added one more - get help. She chose help. I think we are all the better for it.

I'm a DW with a very low frustration tolerance. My Dad was the snapper. I learned to not do it by pausing, recognizing I was in a trigger situation, acknowledge I was frustrated. Starting to just verbalize what the trigger was and why it was a trigger, and what was making me frustrated were the steps that I used to untrain myself from snapping and to calm down. A lot of times I was tired, I was working, trying to juggle the kids needs, and I was feeling overwhelmed. Maybe some empathy could help her also. I don't snap now.

It's not a nice way to treat people. I bet your wife knows that and you might be able to help by reframing the situation and helping her recognize, stop, and regroup.

It's not that hard to break a habit with work. Re-do the situation with what she should have said, you model good traits, and don't feed into it by snapping back. You'll need to stay calm to help her see it's possible to stay calm. Encouragd her to go back and handle it right. That's better than sorry.

I think she can break this habit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, suggest that she get a full workup to rule out anemia, vitamin deficiencies, etc. Second, figure out whether she needs more sleep. Third, ask her to find a therapist--CBT or something similar could be very helpful in terms of figuring out what triggers this and how to stop.

Could be a thyroid issue, too.

Aren't these all excuses for bad behaviour?

Anonymous wrote:First, suggest that she get a full workup to rule out anemia, vitamin deficiencies, etc. Second, figure out whether she needs more sleep. Third, ask her to find a therapist--CBT or something similar could be very helpful in terms of figuring out what triggers this and how to stop.

Could be a thyroid issue, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That poster isn't...but I am the poster calling for divorce. Why? Because some things can't be changed and this is one of them. Her mother is like that and now she is. It was a learned behavior that will pop up again and again. It will take drastic measures for her to fully realize the effect her actions have.

This is pretty fatalistic. Not all learned behavior is permanent -- seconding the poster who suggested cognitive behavior therapy. She wants to change, she needs tools. OP hasn't mentioned that she's also an evil person.

"She wants to change?"

Seriously?

-Snaps
- Oh I'm sorry, I need to change
-Snaps
- Oh I'm sorry, I need to change

Repeat, repeat, repeat. She doesn't want to change. This is who she is.

Divorce.

Changing an ingrained habit often takes some time and support. She wants to change but likely needs help figuring out *how*--not to mention dealing with the emotional crap related to her mom treating her that way.

Has she had a physical lately? She ought to get checked out and also describe the snapping to her GP.

Is she getting enough sleep and regular food (I.e., Is she the type to get hangry?)?

Is she willing to go to therapy?

These are all places to start. I like the code word idea too.

I agree there is some form of emotional abuse going on, maybe learned from the mother

She sounds emotionally abusive. Abusers often feel remorse for their actions. Therapy/separation/divorce. Those are the options, only OP can decide which path to chose. If it were a man everyone would be telling OP to take the kids and leave.

Anonymous wrote:

That poster isn't...but I am the poster calling for divorce. Why? Because some things can't be changed and this is one of them. Her mother is like that and now she is. It was a learned behavior that will pop up again and again. It will take drastic measures for her to fully realize the effect her actions have.

This is pretty fatalistic. Not all learned behavior is permanent -- seconding the poster who suggested cognitive behavior therapy. She wants to change, she needs tools. OP hasn't mentioned that she's also an evil person.

"She wants to change?"

Seriously?

-Snaps
- Oh I'm sorry, I need to change
-Snaps
- Oh I'm sorry, I need to change

Repeat, repeat, repeat. She doesn't want to change. This is who she is.

Divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she may also just be exhausted -- when I'm tired, I snap at DH & vice versa (so as parents of young children, more often than I'd like!) - often over things that are 'no biggie' otherwise. I'm just kind of at the end of my rope sometimes.

You make it sounds like that's a legitimate excuse or a valid reason for her atrocious behavior. It's not.

Are you the weirdo who keeps yelling for divorce? It's behavior the wife herself wants to change but can't get a handle on. Your hard line is not the approach OP wants to take. Grind your axe against mean people somewhere else.

No. But I did ask whether she has that tone of "and what kind of idiot are you?" a lot.

That poster isn't...but I am the poster calling for divorce. Why? Because some things can't be changed and this is one of them. Her mother is like that and now she is. It was a learned behavior that will pop up again and again. It will take drastic measures for her to fully realize the effect her actions have.

This is pretty fatalistic. Not all learned behavior is permanent -- seconding the poster who suggested cognitive behavior therapy. She wants to change, she needs tools. OP hasn't mentioned that she's also an evil person.