Oh, another thing that was helpful for me - accepting that you will have regrets and things you missed out on either way. If you have kids, there will be times you feel resentment or regrets over difficult things happening, no sleep, not feeling bonded, bad decisions they make, whatever. If you don't have kids, there may be holidays or phases of life where you wonder "What if?," so on.

For me, that was freeing, because I didn't have to figure out which decision would leave me with no regrets or bad feelings - it was to figure out which choice would leave me with the regrets/questions that I felt more comfortable with in my heart of hearts.

Here were three realizations that helped me figure out I didn't want them. I don't think there's a right answer, but obviously the overwhelming answer you'll get in society is "Children are amazing! Go for it! " so just trying to provide some balance.

1. I realized if I could somehow know for sure that my spouse would die in 10 years, I wouldn't want to have kids. Being a single mom sounds like a nightmare to me. I know you do what you have to do to get through, but I wouldn't choose it in that situation.

2. I realized if I somehow could know my kids would grow up, move across the country, and I'd only see them 1 - 2 times a year - I wouldn't choose to have them. I'd be in it for the long game, and the idea of adult kids you only see a couple times a year is super depressing to me. And I only see my parents a few times a year, it's a very real possibility. I know it's a selfish thing not to want your kids to grow up and go off on their own (that's what you're supposed to want), but just being in it for the childhood years wasn't appealing to me.

3. Finally, I realized if I knew my child was going to be mentally challenged, I wouldn't choose to have kids. I for sure would have done all the prenatal tests and would be open to termination, but obviously you can't count on a healthy baby/child/adolescent, etc. I know when you're in the circumstance, you roll with it and figure it out - but I wouldn't choose to have them if I knew it was going to happen.

When I thought about it, I thought... maybe if I don't want kids in those 3 circumstances, I just didn't want kids enough to make the sacrifices you need to make.

Don't know if that is helpful but those 3 situations in particular made me realize there are a lot of very real, very possible situations where I know in my gut I'd feel dissatisfied/regret over kids.

Dont just think about today, what about 10 years from now, 15? Would you feel empty if your life looked exactly the same as it does today wih just the two of you? Or does that sound ideal? Now what about if all your friends, siblings and neighbors are consumed with their family lives? Might help you decide without focusing just on the admittedly boring work of the baby years.

Op here - I agree with with the pps that part of me really wants it. But part of me is scared I'll be miserable and be one of the parents that resents the day to day. I'm not someone that generally looks to add work to my life (eg crafts when you can buy something, gardening for the sake of fun when it's actually cheaper to go to farmers market). I guess kids seem like the ultimate hobby - creating lots of work for yourself for the joy of it - and I'm so nervous I won't get that joy out of it as it sounds like some don't. And I don't know how to figure that out before hand.

Sorry for the navel gazing but what you've said far has been very helpful!

My husband was a bit ambivalent, but he is now head-over-heels for our 2-year-old.

I waited until I was ready (late 30s/40s) and had a great time because I'd had a chance to develop my career and life plans. Now I enjoy being a mother.

If I had had kids when expected (a cousin my age has a grandson my youngest DC's age), I would have been very unhappy as a grandmother now. It's not a very nice thing to admit, but it's true.

DH and I were on the fence for a long time. Neither of us felt a big urge to be parents. Then I found out I was pregnant. We hadn't been trying so it was a surprise - and honestly, not a welcome one at first. Had it not happened that way, I don't know that we ever would've made the decision on our own to take the plunge. I wasn't even sure how I felt when the dr handed me DC for the first time! But now, 2 years into it? I finally feel "settled" or maybe "grounded" is the right word - and it was a feeling I hadn't even known I was missing. its not always fun, convenient or fulfilling, but there is no way to describe how it feels to come home from a crappy day at work and have two chubby arms wrap around your neck and hear your DC yell, "Mama!!"

OP, there's no way to know how you'll feel about being a parent, and that, coupled with not having a strong desire in the first place is what makes it so unclear. It's a scary decision to make in a lot of ways. All I can tell you is that being a parent has enriched our lives so much more than we thought possible and I wouldn't change it for the world. GL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I'm 32. Have done lots of travel, completed all the school I want, am in a job I love, and have been done with real night life for quite awhile...so if we are going to have kids I feel ready for it and would prefer to have them while I hopefully don't have age related fertility problems and my friends have youngish kids. I don't think I'd have any great clarity in postponing a decision. I'll try to track down that book!

sounds like you want a baby. stop overanalyzing and get off BC and let nature take its course.

Yep, I agree with the PP. You sound like you have a thorough enough understanding of the situation to be a good mom, frankly. You don't have rose colored glasses about it, but it sounds like you want it.

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I'm 32. Have done lots of travel, completed all the school I want, am in a job I love, and have been done with real night life for quite awhile...so if we are going to have kids I feel ready for it and would prefer to have them while I hopefully don't have age related fertility problems and my friends have youngish kids. I don't think I'd have any great clarity in postponing a decision. I'll try to track down that book!

sounds like you want a baby. stop overanalyzing and get off BC and let nature take its course.

I was ambivalent. DH was not. We had kids because he really wanted them and I knew he would make a brilliant father. And now they are the most amazing little people that I would never want to be without. Don't get me wrong, the early days were a grind and it was a huge lifestyle change. And I'll never be cut out to be a SAHM.

But now they are older, they are funny and loving and kind and interesting and generally awesome. DH is a wonderful, wonderful father and whilst I am not always as patient as I should be, I'm doing OK to as a mom. I feel very fortunate.

Anonymous wrote:I was ambivalent. And I had a child. I love my DC, but realize I was not meant to have kids. Do I regret my child? No. Do I regret having a child when I knew it was something I didn't really want. Yes. Be sure or don't do it.

+1

Would never do it again. I probably do regret it but can't say that bc that would make me a terrible mother.

Op here - I'm 32. Have done lots of travel, completed all the school I want, am in a job I love, and have been done with real night life for quite awhile...so if we are going to have kids I feel ready for it and would prefer to have them while I hopefully don't have age related fertility problems and my friends have youngish kids. I don't think I'd have any great clarity in postponing a decision. I'll try to track down that book!

I could have just posted this except we are currently in the throws of a VERY expensive infertility journey. I am not sure if I am just burned out due to the IF drugs and constant disappointments and now it's really DH that is pushing. I thought for years I could never be complete without becoming a mom but slowly I am wondering if am infertile for a reason-like I was never meant to be a parent.

Oh, I was going to say - I think the author of that book actually will do counseling over the phone. I didn't choose to pursue that because the book helped me get some clarity at least for now, but if the idea of reading the book doesn't appeal to you/your DH and you can't find a good local counselor, might be something to consider. I was seriously just blown away by the book, it's a shame it isn't in print right now (although I read she was trying to get it reprinted?). Given how many people are delaying or not having kids, I think it's a book that could be extremely popular today.

For some dang reason I can't get Google to load, but her name is something like Merle Bombarderi or something.

Anonymous wrote:

I guess that's what I'm going back and forth on, when I'm pretty happy with life today and don't feel an achy longing for a child but do like the idea of having the type of experiences PPs have described and do worry that I'd regret NOT doing it, how do I get over the hump one way or the other? How likely is it I'll have those experiences / feelings that get you through the day to day if I'm not the type who feels "of course I'll have kids!"

Do everything you can to get your hands on that book, The Baby Decision. I had googled and read everything else I could get my hands on, read other books, etc - nothing was as helpful to me as that book. Everything else was sharing other people's experiences, but that book is like going through an intense process of counseling. It's like $200 on Amazon, but my library was able to borrow it from somewhere in Arkansas! I serious considered scanning it all in (it's kind of long) because it was so good.

I also think this is a serious enough topic that it could be a good application for counseling, but the problem is finding a counselor who can handle this type of question and/or doesn't have preconceived notions. I found it to be hard to have people get past either "Well, of course everyone wants kids," or "If you don't really want them, you shouldn't have them." For those on the fence, there's a lot more gray to it.

Good luck. Did you mention how old you are, OP?