Anonymous wrote:"Mom, I've been very clear about when we can visit. When you try to lay guilt on me about it, it makes me not want to visit at all. You can either just enjoy the times I can visit and we can have a good relationship or you can harp on me for not visiting enough and we won't have a good relationship. That's really up to you."

No this won't work because it's an attempt to appeal to mom's rationality which is absent. The only way to deal with people like this assuming you don't want to cut them out entirely is to calmly but decisively shut them down and show who is boss. JUST like you wouod do with a 2 year old child because these moms are acting spoiled and infantile in their grabs for attention.

You deal with whining Mom just like a whining child. In fact you can even make that explicit: "Now mom if you keeo whining I'm going to have to give you a time out from visiting the grandkids for a while. Your behavior is immature and unacceptable."

You don't negotiate. You don't play by mom's rules. You set boundaries like an adult and then you make them stick. Stop playing mom's game.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. My mom is exactly the same. Except then she calls me and cries. About how I've ruined everything and she didn't mean to make me feel bad but she's just SO DISAPPOINTED. weep, sob. OMG, it makes me want to stab myself.

PP you need to laugh in your mom's face when she pulls that nonsense.

"Mom, I've been very clear about when we can visit. When you try to lay guilt on me about it, it makes me not want to visit at all. You can either just enjoy the times I can visit and we can have a good relationship or you can harp on me for not visiting enough and we won't have a good relationship. That's really up to you."

Anonymous wrote:PP here -- oh, and then that pisses me off for a few days so I screen her calls for a day or two, then when I get un-mad enough to pick up the phone she invariably answers with "YOU'RE ALIVE!!!!" Then I want to screen her calls again and wish I hadn't.

PP you are a willing participant in this sickness. Do you plan to change how you handle this?

PP here -- oh, and then that pisses me off for a few days so I screen her calls for a day or two, then when I get un-mad enough to pick up the phone she invariably answers with "YOU'RE ALIVE!!!!" Then I want to screen her calls again and wish I hadn't.

OP, I feel your pain. My mom is exactly the same. Except then she calls me and cries. About how I've ruined everything and she didn't mean to make me feel bad but she's just SO DISAPPOINTED. weep, sob. OMG, it makes me want to stab myself.

Op take many days or weeks before you respond to your moms manipulative texts/phone calls.

Don't try to explain anything to her. She doesn't hear you. She never will because you are bad/wrong/cruel/unkind/uncaring. You said it yourself. Nothing will be enough.

So don't play. Ignore any communication where she is manipulating. When you do talk to her on the phone, you need to go anytime she starts shit. Tell her if she is just going to complain that you have to go.

This will begin giving you distance and you will see if she can adapt her behavior to allow a better relationship. If she doesn't you may need to grieve the mother you don't have.

Anonymous wrote:You are acting like your mom - very over dramatic and creating drama where none exists. In regards to her last text, no reply or guilt is needed. I will second the DWIL board on baby center. A lot of crazies but also a lot of good advice.

I second the recommendation of dwil but know that many of the outrageous stories are complete fakes.

OP, you have gotten some great advice on here and some very useful phrases to employ to deflect and distract your mom.

I would add: Take a moment to draw a very deep breath and be grateful that she lives four hours away and no closer. Look at the posts on DCUM about parents and in-laws who live in the same area as the posters and who barge into the house or expect to see the grandkids ALL the time. At least you have physical distance. I know that doesn't help, if you still feel crummy where she's concerned, but she at least is not going to turn up on the doorstep every day insisting she take the kids out, or coming inside to criticize your day to day routine. Distance can be a blessing.

There's nothing you can do to make your mom happy. You could show up every single weekend and she'd still call you on Wednesday to complain that they never see you in the middle of the week.

When she starts criticizing you, I'd just start agreeing with her.

"Not coming says it all." "I guess it does! See you in July!"

"I can't believe you wouldn't re-book your flights for next week. What kind of terrible daughter would withhold the grandchildren from her own mother?" "Yup, I guess I'm terrible then! Oh well, we'll see you again in April like we agreed!"

By defending yourself, you're just handing her back all her power. If you just shrug and say, "Yup, I guess so, Mom, you're right, I'm the worst," and then move on with your life, YOU take back the power. And if she starts in on, "I can't believe you'd say you are a terrible daughter!" you can respond, "I didn't say that. YOU did."

OP: Your mom is a nasty bitch. She is in need of behavior modification. You are her enabler. You must change how you relate to her if she is to change. Like the enabler of an alcoholic, you are the enabler of a bitchaholic. It must end. So, every time she says something bitchy in the future, say exactly these words-- and only these words: "Mom, you know I love you, but please stop being such a bitchy pain in the ass. Gotta go now." Then you hang up. You memorize this EXACT all purpose phrase and use it on her each and every time she gets out of line.

OP, it seems like you haven't gotten to the point where you can deflect, sigh "it's my mom, here we go" and move on. A point where it doesn't bother you because you know it's all her issue and nothing to do with you.

Until you get to the point where you truly understand that your mom has issues, and they have nothing to do with you, you will continue to get wrapped up in her responses, feel the pit in your stomach, etc.

So the question for you to think about is how to get to the healthy place where you can glance at your phone, roll your eyes, think "uh oh she's at it again", type a breezy response, and be done.

A book? Counseling? Message board? Friends in similar position?

I did the first two and was finally able to see my parents for who they are, and just let things roll off my back, with responses like PP mentioned.
I was in my 30's, and our relationship is good because they just can't get a response from me (part of their cycle).

Best to you!

You are acting like your mom - very over dramatic and creating drama where none exists. In regards to her last text, no reply or guilt is needed. I will second the DWIL board on baby center. A lot of crazies but also a lot of good advice.

Anonymous wrote:Yes- I agree.

I need better pat answers.

When I get into a situation with her, I find myself feeling like I have to explain again or defend myself/my decision. I catch myself doing it and then I stop and end the conversation.

I'd do much better if I had better responses planned or in hand. What others can I use?

It's so hard. We all fall into these rhythms we have created with our parents. OK other answers that are non-confrontational but final: (You should seriously make a list and keep it with you when you talk to her).

"We'll think about that."
"I understand."
"I'll talk about it with DH."
"I hear you."
"Got it."

Sorry, but at this point Father's Day is for your kids to celebrate with your husband (assuming your spouse is a man?). If your dad wants to travel to you, fine, in years when you're not moving four days later.

In response to that text from your mother you could say "no, Mom, that doesn't 'say it all.' I'm sorry you're disappointed but sometimes things will work out differently that you hope. I wish you could support me during this stressful time of moving instead of trying to make me feel guilty and inadequate. Again."