Given how much she is changing/growing right now, I recommend a long engagement. Wait until after graduation and even after she is established in her first job. I'd almost say wait until she's 25. Then revisit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd also be curious to know if she would even be ready for marriage- by her own admission, not an outside judgement from DCUM. I know that I was madly in love with my college BF and that I wanted to marry him. If he had asked I would have said NO WAY when I was just out of school!. FWIW, we actually did get married at about 28, but I just knew I wasn't ready at that young age.

OP here: She has told me that she wants to get married and more to the point that she would like to marry me. We have discussed waiting until graduation though. I'm an quite circumspect about this however.

What do her mom and dad think about this? I assume they are paying for college, living expenses, healthcsre, care, etc.

Two perspectives:

My parents were 19 years apart - mom 24, dad 43 when they married. My mom was looking for a father figure and my dad was quite young in looks and in energy/temperment for his age. They had kids right away. I'm the youngest; they had me when my dad was 48. Your fiancee is much younger and hasn't even started a career. What if she wants kids in 8-10 years. She will still be very young. Do you want an infant when you're 50? Do you want to be coaching Little League at 60?

What worked for my parents is that my dad basically acted younger and my mom acted older. She has always acted and seemed much older than her chronological age, so she didnt' mind hanging out with all my dad's family and friends. She even got Senior Citizens discounts when she was still in her early 50's because he did. She aged a lot mentally. He died at 83. She's now only 72 but she is in a nursing home. We kept him very, very young until he hit a wall with health. So, it was really good for him, not so good for her, but it worked because she didn't mind being "older" all those years.

My oldest brother married a woman half his age - he was 44, she was 22. She is an immigrant from a very poor country and he is her Prince Charming, her Knight. They are now married 5 years and she doesn't mind at all being subservient. She's never had a job; she is his homemaker. He always dated women way younger than him because he needs to be in control and can't be with a woman who is truly an equal partner. So this works out for them. But as she gets older, she is starting to want more freedom and more autonomy, and I'm not sure it's going to work out. Also, when they first married, he wanted to wait a few years for kids so they could travel and have fun. Now she desperately wants kids and I think he's feeling too old. They're happy right now, but I'm not sure for how much longer. I really like her and hope she can find happiness with him as she grows older, but I'm not sure either of them will be comfortable together as she grows more confidence and independence with age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd also be curious to know if she would even be ready for marriage- by her own admission, not an outside judgement from DCUM. I know that I was madly in love with my college BF and that I wanted to marry him. If he had asked I would have said NO WAY when I was just out of school!. FWIW, we actually did get married at about 28, but I just knew I wasn't ready at that young age.

OP here: She has told me that she wants to get married and more to the point that she would like to marry me. We have discussed waiting until graduation though. I'm an quite circumspect about this however.

Well you will figure it out. There are I'm sure plenty of stories where it works out as well. I think we would be kidding ourselves to really think "for every bad story there is a good story". No I think probably the odds aren't 50/50 but that's not doom for everyone individually.

Definitely wait until graduation though- even if she pushes, as someone who loves her I would push back that this is a very limited time in life, the living with friends or as a young person on her own phase and that ends, forever, with marriage. You should want her to experience that as much as possible at such a young age.

People definitely do get married this young and survive or thrive just fine, but adding in the age gap plus the barely on her own 2 feet, those are 2 obstacles that I wouldn't take on together. It will probably only help your relationship to insist she get through college and that bit of independence first. If it turns out that this "freedom" means she ends up deciding that she wants to date around, well that would have happened within some years of marriage anyway it would seem and you saved yourself a whole lot of money this way.

I'd at least wait until she graduates and gets out of the school mode. What do you two have in common? When you can't get it up in 15 years will she go looking for something else and divorce you and take yor money?

Anonymous wrote:I'd also be curious to know if she would even be ready for marriage- by her own admission, not an outside judgement from DCUM. I know that I was madly in love with my college BF and that I wanted to marry him. If he had asked I would have said NO WAY when I was just out of school!. FWIW, we actually did get married at about 28, but I just knew I wasn't ready at that young age.

OP here: She has told me that she wants to get married and more to the point that she would like to marry me. We have discussed waiting until graduation though. I'm an quite circumspect about this however.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does she want in the future? Kids? The social dynamics are very weird. Most adults still hang out with adults of roughly the same age. People will make assumptions about you and most of them are not positive. Get used to waiters assuming she's out with her dad.

I have a good friend whose parents had a 20+ year age gap. The parents seemed socially isolated and her mother had to basically stop her life for years to take care of her father.

I can see what's in it for you, but I can't see what's in it for your partner...

I hate to say it but this is something I would consider strongly before letting myself get too emotionally attached to someone a lot older than I was. I see it with my own grandparents now who only have an 11 year age gap. Is it ALWAYS the case? Of course not, my other set of grandparents are actually older and more spry. But I've also seen a LOT of women be responsible for taking care of older men who seem more prone to being cranky and crotchety as they age than women. Its hard. And makes you feel very old yourself.

It's the same for my SIL who married a man with a 20 year age difference. The age difference becomes more and more pronounced as he gets older. He's just not very active, has lots of health issues, and acts like an 'old man'. They have a son in elementary school and he doesn't seem to have the energy or interest to fully be an active parent. They have a very miserable marriage and in my opinion and several other folks opinion in the family it's definitely due to the age difference. She still looks young and he's aged badly. Some people mistake him for her dad at times.

Anonymous wrote:I'd also be curious to know if she would even be ready for marriage- by her own admission, not an outside judgement from DCUM. I know that I was madly in love with my college BF and that I wanted to marry him. If he had asked I would have said NO WAY when I was just out of school!. FWIW, we actually did get married at about 28, but I just knew I wasn't ready at that young age.

Yes, this is the good point. My friend with the 21 year age gap got married in her early 30's, so she definitely had a much better grasp on what the age difference might mean and had plenty of time as an adult to date around, etc. I would be very surprised if a 20 year old still in college had the same maturity level to be able to really understand what she was getting into. Guys at 40 can still seem hot and sexy to a 20 year old, especially if they're wealthy and worldly, but that wears thin when he starts inching into his 50s.

I'd also be curious to know if she would even be ready for marriage- by her own admission, not an outside judgement from DCUM. I know that I was madly in love with my college BF and that I wanted to marry him. If he had asked I would have said NO WAY when I was just out of school!. FWIW, we actually did get married at about 28, but I just knew I wasn't ready at that young age.

Anonymous wrote:I am friends with a wife who is 21 years younger than her husband. He is going through cancer treatments and she is completely committed to him but it is not easy. She has a big life insurance policy on him and made him buy long term care insurance, etc. I hope for both of their sakes that he either makes a complete recovery or dies, because if she has to spend her 40s and 50s nursing an old man, it is going to suck so bad for both of them.

OP here: thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does she want in the future? Kids? The social dynamics are very weird. Most adults still hang out with adults of roughly the same age. People will make assumptions about you and most of them are not positive. Get used to waiters assuming she's out with her dad.

I have a good friend whose parents had a 20+ year age gap. The parents seemed socially isolated and her mother had to basically stop her life for years to take care of her father.

I can see what's in it for you, but I can't see what's in it for your partner...

I hate to say it but this is something I would consider strongly before letting myself get too emotionally attached to someone a lot older than I was. I see it with my own grandparents now who only have an 11 year age gap. Is it ALWAYS the case? Of course not, my other set of grandparents are actually older and more spry. But I've also seen a LOT of women be responsible for taking care of older men who seem more prone to being cranky and crotchety as they age than women. Its hard. And makes you feel very old yourself.

OP here: thanks.

Anonymous wrote:What does she want in the future? Kids? The social dynamics are very weird. Most adults still hang out with adults of roughly the same age. People will make assumptions about you and most of them are not positive. Get used to waiters assuming she's out with her dad.

I have a good friend whose parents had a 20+ year age gap. The parents seemed socially isolated and her mother had to basically stop her life for years to take care of her father.

I can see what's in it for you, but I can't see what's in it for your partner...

I hate to say it but this is something I would consider strongly before letting myself get too emotionally attached to someone a lot older than I was. I see it with my own grandparents now who only have an 11 year age gap. Is it ALWAYS the case? Of course not, my other set of grandparents are actually older and more spry. But I've also seen a LOT of women be responsible for taking care of older men who seem more prone to being cranky and crotchety as they age than women. Its hard. And makes you feel very old yourself.

I am friends with a wife who is 21 years younger than her husband. He is going through cancer treatments and she is completely committed to him but it is not easy. She has a big life insurance policy on him and made him buy long term care insurance, etc. I hope for both of their sakes that he either makes a complete recovery or dies, because if she has to spend her 40s and 50s nursing an old man, it is going to suck so bad for both of them.

Anonymous wrote:She's 20? What's the long-term attraction?

Given she's 20 which is kind of like an under ripe banana by the time the spots on that banana turn brown she will be in her 40s and he in is 60s or 70s. That sounds like long-term benefit to me.

Anonymous wrote:She's 20? What's the long-term attraction?

Given she's 20 which is kind of like an under ripe banana by the time the spots on that banana turn brown she will be in her 40s and he in is 60s or 70s. That sounds like long-term benefit to me.