Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of my kids would ever say that to me although I am sure they have said it under their breath. I trained them a long time ago on how DH and I were to be spoken to. Parents missed a step if their kids are saying such things to them as tweens.

I'd prefer my tween say this direct to me rather than under his breath. I want him to develop the skills to express and handle anger and other feelings, including uncomfortable ones.

That's asinine. You want them to handle anger by NOT EXPRESSING IT INAPPROPRIATELY. This is called "self-control".

You have a "right" to your feelings. You do not have a right to express them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you need is a witty retort. I remember one episode of Malcolm in the Middle where he said "I wish you were dead" to his mother. Her reply was "Well, I'm taking you with me."

A witty retort is worth its weight in gold, but for the life of me I can't think of one right now.

Anyone?

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Lame.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you need is a witty retort. I remember one episode of Malcolm in the Middle where he said "I wish you were dead" to his mother. Her reply was "Well, I'm taking you with me."

A witty retort is worth its weight in gold, but for the life of me I can't think of one right now.

Anyone?

There were five of us, and if any of my brothers said I hate you (I would NEVER have had the guts to say it), my mother said "Well take a number mister, because it's not the first time I've heard that!" There was never a punishment for the words, usually just the deeds that caused the argument. My brothers are all fine, well-adjusted men who would cringe to think they ever said those words to my mother now!

She would also say, "Well I'm not real thrilled with you right now either!" That one made me laugh!

Anonymous wrote:What you need is a witty retort. I remember one episode of Malcolm in the Middle where he said "I wish you were dead" to his mother. Her reply was "Well, I'm taking you with me."

A witty retort is worth its weight in gold, but for the life of me I can't think of one right now.

Anyone?

There were five of us, and if any of my brothers said I hate you (I would NEVER have had the guts to say it), my mother said "Well take a number mister, because it's not the first time I've heard that!" There was never a punishment for the words, usually just the deeds that caused the argument. My brothers are all fine, well-adjusted men who would cringe to think they ever said those words to my mother now!

Oh my. My 12 yo DD has been saying I hate you to me for a few years now.

I hate you, as far as I'm concerned, is fine. If she hates me at that moment, she's a child, she has feelings, let her express them.

I think it's important for kids to see that their parents can handle an I hate you, and a whole lot more, while they are undergoing the monumental changes of adolescence. My steadfastness will provide her with a role model of strength for all the meanness she will get from other kids and a feeling of safety that nothing she can do or say will rock me.

On the other hand, if she is cruel or unkind in a purposeful way, we will address it with consequences. And we do talk about how letting it loose with words can have consequences because you can't unsay things.

My theory is that a child has a right to express their feelings to the adult in charge (I'm a nanny, btw) within reason. To the rest of the world, the tween or teen will bite her tongue and be polite (I've always taught "kill them with kindness" and it works wonders with snotty girls in school). To me, they are welcome to say things that they know will hurt me with the understanding that they will say it, go cool down, then we will discuss. I would much rather one of my charges say that she hates me that doubt whether I am doing my job adequately or not know if she's going to follow the rules (they never say "I hate you" if they are just going to blow it off).

Our girls are grown, but back in high school, especially with the oldest one who was very concerned with what other girls were doing and we had rules, I always told her clearly that if "I was not going to be guided by what her friends were doing or what her friends thought." We were her parents and not trying to be her friends. I think I hate you is more an expression of perhaps a feeling one is having at the time and more OK than say calling one a Bitch or other choice word to your face or under your breath. That I would view as totally disrespectful and it would not fly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of my kids would ever say that to me although I am sure they have said it under their breath. I trained them a long time ago on how DH and I were to be spoken to. Parents missed a step if their kids are saying such things to them as tweens.

I'd prefer my tween say this direct to me rather than under his breath. I want him to develop the skills to express and handle anger and other feelings, including uncomfortable ones.

ITA. That way I can deal with it.

No. DD has never said this, but she wrote it in a notebook. We discussed it, but there was no punishment.

Anonymous wrote:My kids would never say that to me either. I have suggested to both of them that it is normal for teenage girls to think they hate their mothers but they would never tell me they hated me.

To the poster who thinks they have a right to their feelings and their feelings should be expressed - nonsense. You child does not hate you when they say they hate you - they are just angry and childishly using the thing they think will hurt you the most - and at 13 + they should use more appropriate and accurate language.

Disagree. I really hated my mom when I said it to her. And I will stand by letting my 12 yr old say she hates me if that's what she needs to say. At 13 they ARE children and it's fine to use childish language.

Yes, I have grounded my DD for saying this to me--once 2 years ago. She hasn't said it since. I understand that others have a different view, but I think it will just get worse if you don't do something about it early.

My kids would never say that to me either. I have suggested to both of them that it is normal for teenage girls to think they hate their mothers but they would never tell me they hated me.

To the poster who thinks they have a right to their feelings and their feelings should be expressed - nonsense. You child does not hate you when they say they hate you - they are just angry and childishly using the thing they think will hurt you the most - and at 13 + they should use more appropriate and accurate language.

"I hate you, get out of my life! (But first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall)...?"

Anyone remember this book?

DD said - I can't wait until you are out of my life. I LOVE YOU! as she closed the door.

No. My kid said it once to me.