Thank you for sharing from a personal been there done that perspective. You raise wonderful points.


I think I'll begin with just being more involved and having her spend a couple of weeks over the summers. I'm planning to take 2 weeks off to have her (and maybe two of her close in age cousins) come hang out for fun times. I told my I'll have someone to do fun kid stuff with again-water parks, amusement parks etc.

Maybe next summer it'll just be her for a longer period with a few organized camps.

Thanks to all who replied so thoughtfully and reminded me of the realities vs the bleeding heart thing.

Anonymous wrote:Op, good luck to you woth your decision. Sounds like your young relative needs a force of stability in her life and it is commendable that you are figuring out if that firce will be you.
Huge committment but likely well worth it. This situation has happened in my extended family and the individual is doing well, he has always been appreciative and done well in school. Even as a young child, he seemed to be just craving a stable life, once he got that, he settled in. Family took care of him together, summers with an aunt, school year with another relative, not being shifted around but sharing the responsibility.
Seems as though you want to give it an honest try, would you regret not trying?
What do your grown children say?

Anonymous wrote:

The poor kid would do well to be away from all the negativity and chaos. I live several hours away in total peace and quiet. That's part of my concern. I can't have my workday interrupted with calls from school about fighting.

Chances are she may turn over a new leaf once removed from the dysfunction, poverty and uninhabitable living conditions.

I also selfishly want to finally enjoy living for me now. I also worry about finances.

OP, I don't have time to read through the whole thread, but wanted to comment. I've been a foster and am an adoptive parent to kids who were difficult in the beginning. Turning over a new leaf is definitely possible, but won't occur overnight and will take your time and energy and will interrupt your workday both with calls and with demands that you pick her up and/or come to meetings. The first days/weeks can be a nice honeymoon period where you may be deluded into thinking that things are going to be easy. But, invariably all hell breaks loose. Over time and with support and maybe intervention, it usually gets better, but not always and it takes years, not days, weeks or months.

You don't mention things like whether her parents drank or used drugs during pregnancy and how she does in school. If these are issues, you are in for more than behaviors. The education system for kids with special needs is time consuming and requires me to take about the equivalent of more than two days off per kid per year (in couple of hour spurts at a time) with all of the meetings I have to make my kids successful. And, there is the issue of what happens after high school, because if she is not doing well and getting into fights and assaulting teachers, she is probably not on a career path - which is another thing you will need to address. Where does she go after age 18 if she hasn't learned to support herself or gotten herself on a track to get a job that can support her.

As to finances, yes girls are expensive. Food alone is a few hundred a week. Then there are clothes, driving lessons, activities, health insurance, etc. Unless she is in the foster system, there isn't likely money to compensate you, but you've already realized that.

Finally, you say you have successfully raised two kids to college age. Congratulations, but this experience is not likely to be anything like the one you will have with your cousin if you make this decision.

I know I sound negative, but I'm not trying to be. I've done what you are proposing three times and am a big part of the adoptive and foster care community. I don't regret my decision to do this, but I went in with my eyes wide open and I was ready for it. Even still, I distinctly remember realizing that at least one of my kids isn't going to college and I need to help him get on a career path. I think everyone who does this should go in with realistic expectations and also with the knowledge that if she fails at your house and you send her away, you may have done more harm than good.