Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 23:04     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Anonymous wrote:It really doesn't matter how far in you are. Get out of the deal NOW.

Also, OP, don't undermine your DH when he does the hard work of drawing boundaries to protect himself and his child against his dad's abuse. How dare you out his mom's needs over his. He NEEDS separation from his dad. You did not grow up with abuse. You don't know how deep it wounds. Keep this man as far away from your family as you can. You can do much better than you have been doing to protect your DH and DS.


NP here. Sorry, but you don't know enough of the details to say that OP undermined her DH. You have no idea what kind of conversations happened between them
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:53     Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Anonymous wrote:Op here...I have never been able to stand my FIL. He has never been nice to me before our DC was born. When DH and I were dating, I was not allowed at their house, not allowed to call their son when he was living with them, and he has criticized me for not doing things for them (e.g. clean their house). During my pregnancy, DH did not like the way he treated us and the potential for him to emotionally abuse our DC. As such, he forbade my FIL from coming over. FIL tormented MIL and DH felt terrible. I asked my husband to relent to make my MIL and DH feel better. FIL said he will be on his best behavior in front of DC. FIL's attitude improved after DC's birth but the real estate deal turned things back to how it was. He sees the money he is providing as a leverage over us. However, we never asked for the money or this arrangement. If we weren't so blindsighted by the land becoming available and the desire to make MIL happy, we would not have agreed in the beginning.


It sounds like your FIL is a terrible person. How long until r turns his emotional abuse towards your son? It's easy to love a cute baby/toddler, but when he is older, what makes you think your FIL won't be as awful to him as he was to your husband when he was growing up? How will you feel then, knowing you could have stopped the abuse before it starts? It sucks for your MIL, but she is an adult and can divorce him if she wants and live close to or with you. He is already basically blackmailing you and you haven't even built the house yet. Seriously, stop this now. Your poor son doesn't deserve to live with such a mean person.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:52     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
It really doesn't matter how far in you are. Get out of the deal NOW.

Also, OP, don't undermine your DH when he does the hard work of drawing boundaries to protect himself and his child against his dad's abuse. How dare you out his mom's needs over his. He NEEDS separation from his dad. You did not grow up with abuse. You don't know how deep it wounds. Keep this man as far away from your family as you can. You can do much better than you have been doing to protect your DH and DS.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:50     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Better to rip the bandaid off at once and deal with quick pain than leave it on and let it fester.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:47     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
OP, you know what you have to do in order to protect your child, your husband, and yourself. Sad for your MIL, but unless she wants to leave him then she can't expect her choices to be yours.

How far are you into the process of buying and building?
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:45     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
I'm confused how this got so far along in the process. Did you forget that you can't stand this man?!
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:39     Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Cancel the deal. Better to stay where you are and not be indebted to them. Paying for things yourself gives you freedom.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:23     Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Op here...I have never been able to stand my FIL. He has never been nice to me before our DC was born. When DH and I were dating, I was not allowed at their house, not allowed to call their son when he was living with them, and he has criticized me for not doing things for them (e.g. clean their house). During my pregnancy, DH did not like the way he treated us and the potential for him to emotionally abuse our DC. As such, he forbade my FIL from coming over. FIL tormented MIL and DH felt terrible. I asked my husband to relent to make my MIL and DH feel better. FIL said he will be on his best behavior in front of DC. FIL's attitude improved after DC's birth but the real estate deal turned things back to how it was. He sees the money he is providing as a leverage over us. However, we never asked for the money or this arrangement. If we weren't so blindsighted by the land becoming available and the desire to make MIL happy, we would not have agreed in the beginning.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:21     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
If they pay for any part of it then it is also their house. If you are not willing to share a house with them just don't take the money. Then it's just your house. Why don't you ask the builder if there is an adjacent smaller property he could build a smaller house on for them?
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:16     Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Anonymous wrote:The builder told us in Montgomery County you can build a guest house with kitchen as long as the houses are attached so we will have to share a common wall or a breezeway.


We're doing this now so I know the details. Yes, if it's attached then it's considered just an addition and you can add a kitchen/etc without an issue. The only thing that may come up is ratio of house to overall lot size, but sounds like you're looking at a big lot.

You _can_ in some cases build what is known as an accessory apartment building that is detahced, but it's really complicated in terms of size and setbacks from various sides, and also there can be no more than 1 with a certain radius (like only one per neighborhood). It's really complicated basically.

So if your guest house is attached, then I guess ILs will just be wandering in and out of your house at will.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 22:06     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
I find it hard to imagine that you did not seriously think long and hard about the offer if you truly cannot tolerate your FIL. Is it that you never accepted the offer but by purchasing land they mistook that as an acquiescence on your part? Did you at any time accept money from the IL's? If no then you are in the clear. They certainly cannot protest if they still have all their money to build a house for themselves. What they are unhappy about is that their old age is not secured. They now know beyond a doubt that you and your husband will not be there to care for them. As unpleasant as your FIL is it could be they deserve this but still it must also be a heartbreak. Trying to maneuver you into caring might be a dirty tactic or it might have been an effort at a mutually beneficial situation. There is certainly no way forward now except separately.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 21:54     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Just tell them that there's some zoning or legal issue-- are they the type that will look into it?
Or just say the deal fell through; buyers changed their mind, something came up in the inspection, whatever.

Shit happens all the time with real estate.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 21:52     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
No no no no no. You can't let your DH'a dysfunctional guilt complex endanger your home and your child. Verbal abuse is DANGEROUS. Do you want your toddler's brain flooded with stress hormones when he sees his father verbally abused on a daily basis?!?! What are you smoking?

You can't expect your husband to be your backbone on this. He comes from an abusive home and is still clearly damaged by it. YOu have to be the one to protect your family. You will never, never feel truly at home in this house with your FIl there every day. Never. I grew up in a verbally abusive home and I know.

dh will never please his father but never stop wanting his approval. You cannot let that endanger your family. Put your foot down and take the backlash. I promise this short term hell will be worth the long term gain in peace and sanity!!
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 21:44     Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
OP here...thanks for all the advice. The guilt trip of telling them that we don't want to do this and the impact to my MIL is what is keeping us from just saying no this second. I don't think this is a good idea and throughout all this I felt like I was being rushed into an arrangement. However, my DH is feeling horrible right now. BTW...My son is almost 1.5 and we plan on having another child. The builder told us in Montgomery County you can build a guest house with kitchen as long as the houses are attached so we will have to share a common wall or a breezeway.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 21:43     Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
From your description this sounds like a no-brainer. Back out.