I have ADHD, diagnosed as an adult. DH probably would have been diagnosed with ASD and/or ADHD if he were a child now. DS has ADHD, combined type, and ASD. I guess what gives me hope is that DH and I did well academically in school enough to get into elite private schools including law schools without medications or accommodations.

Actually, our whole family is like this. My BIL, my husband's brother, said after we told him about DS's diagnosis, "Look at our families. Kid is 'doomed'". BIL did not walk until 26 months, could not look people in the eye until well into his 20ties, and is currently a semi-retired radio deejay, ex-college prof.

DS's symptoms are less than ours was when we were his age and he has an IEP and a whole slew of experts including a child psychiatrist, neuropsych, etc. to help him. I think he will do just fine.

I am constantly setting goals for my son who has ADHD. I always try to figure out the next skill set he will need and then work towards it. I NEVER rely on the school or anyone else to do this because I don't believe it will happen without my identifying and making it happen. The school provides great supports and for that I am grateful, but really they are so limited in what they can do to help your child become successful and independent. I only rely on the school to teach him the skills that I can't do at home - like learning to pack his backpack with what he needs at home for the evening. Because I set small goals, I see progress. And, because I never give it a break, things haven't gotten too out of control when we are on those inevitable steps backwards. The other thing, and we were just talking about this today, is that we don't expect that our son will be going away to college, so I guess our expectations are lower than yours, OP. But I just don't see that it's realistic that he will be successful given his impulsiveness and a few other things about him, like the fact that he doesn't like to sleep and will stay up all night.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate the kindness shown. I do have to remind myself that it is a disability because it's not a "visible" disability like some others. My child's standardized tests scores are all 98th percentile and higher, so he/she definitely has managed to learn something. However, he/she has been receiving C's, D's and F's even in classes upon which the standardized tests are based (English, Math, etc.). And in the subject that he/she supposedly loves and wants to pursue in college. He/she has had to drop almost all extracurricular activities and spends almost all his/her time doing homework (alhtough I suspect there is some computer surfing going on). Most significantly, he/she is unhappy -- very unhappy, in fact. It is a sad lifestyle for him/her, but it just takes him/her so much longer to do the homework. My heart aches for everyone who's posted and I greatly admire those of you who are able to see the silver lining. Maybe things will work out in the end, but it sure is a bumpy road.

Move homework to the kitchen table, or one nearby, so you can keep her on task. Set a timer for each set of homework.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate the kindness shown. I do have to remind myself that it is a disability because it's not a "visible" disability like some others. My child's standardized tests scores are all 98th percentile and higher, so he/she definitely has managed to learn something. However, he/she has been receiving C's, D's and F's even in classes upon which the standardized tests are based (English, Math, etc.). And in the subject that he/she supposedly loves and wants to pursue in college. He/she has had to drop almost all extracurricular activities and spends almost all his/her time doing homework (alhtough I suspect there is some computer surfing going on). Most significantly, he/she is unhappy -- very unhappy, in fact. It is a sad lifestyle for him/her, but it just takes him/her so much longer to do the homework. My heart aches for everyone who's posted and I greatly admire those of you who are able to see the silver lining. Maybe things will work out in the end, but it sure is a bumpy road.

Maybe your child can find a better fit in college than the cookie cutter approach that is public education or even explore a non-traditional path. I would suggest looking into a resource like the College Consulting Collaborative - http://collegeld.com/. The end goal is a happy, healthy, and self-sufficient adult. You really need to search to find colleges that will be a good fit and allow your child to succeed. Also realize, not everyone goes to college and that is ok. Perhaps have your child explore options like a trade or the military or even take a year off to explore an interest.

Also, remind yourself of the old airline stewardess advice on helping yourself before helping your child. Schedule time for yourself. Find a therapist or someone to talk to help give you the coping skills or an unbiased third party sounding board. Meditate, exercise, whatever helps you unwind and deal with stress. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Everyone has days that you feel you take one step forward and two steps back. You need healthy outlets to be able to regroup, reevaluate, and come up with a plan B.

You all are a very nice group of people -- your kids are lucky to have you.

Here come finals!!! UGH! So frustrating.

I just somehow believe that he will be fine, even though he hates school with a passion.

I realize everybody that meets him thinks he is great (except for his teachers).

It's so hard to watch him suffer. No answers for that.

I am ADHD and dyslexic and probably a few other things ... but I graduated from college, have a good job, friends, etc.

It's been touched on a bit in previous posts, but as I start to gear up for a life with my child I have found it useful to start letting go of the standards I once used to measure success. I come from your stereotypical over-achieving background. I had a hard-core tiger mom and measured everything in terms of grades, income, etc. I feel like having a child who isn't going to adhere to those measurements has been somewhat liberating. I can celebrate who he is, not what I think he should be. He'll probably never be at the top of his class, but good Lord can he run. And climb. I'm in awe of his physical stamina, strength, and fearlessness. He's exhausting. He can be in the X Games or something, I don't know. But he's not a lost cause. He can be something. And his SN gives him a chance to venture outside of that box, mostly because he never fit into it anyways. There's so much to be proud of and to celebrate once you look through the right lens.

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate the kindness shown. I do have to remind myself that it is a disability because it's not a "visible" disability like some others. My child's standardized tests scores are all 98th percentile and higher, so he/she definitely has managed to learn something. However, he/she has been receiving C's, D's and F's even in classes upon which the standardized tests are based (English, Math, etc.). And in the subject that he/she supposedly loves and wants to pursue in college. He/she has had to drop almost all extracurricular activities and spends almost all his/her time doing homework (alhtough I suspect there is some computer surfing going on). Most significantly, he/she is unhappy -- very unhappy, in fact. It is a sad lifestyle for him/her, but it just takes him/her so much longer to do the homework. My heart aches for everyone who's posted and I greatly admire those of you who are able to see the silver lining. Maybe things will work out in the end, but it sure is a bumpy road.