Anonymous
05/27/2015 19:54
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Struggling with this as of late.
My MIL is very passive aggressive, a lot has to do with child, my first, and her only, grand. She speaks about my choices out loud to him (it's time for you to stop nursing young man!) in a joking manner, but which is very clearly said for my benefit and so that she I will know she disapproves of my choice, what I am doing, etc. Most of it has to do with food and/or how I care for him. It is never that outrageous, but subtle digs that drive me crazy. I am a first time mom who has had a tough relationship with both my mom (mental illness) and stepmom (jealousy), so the last thing I need is another unhealthy mother-type relationship.
I'm 40, why does this get to me so? What's a good way to address without going over the top? I realize it likely comes from her own insecurity about her choices, but I don't think it's kind or fair of her to instigate and be so indirect, while clearly getting in her disapproval.
Be passive aggressive right back. It is the only language such people understand.
OP here. Some great responses, thank you. Nice to know I am not alone. How do I act passive aggressive back to her? She is just a mean, bitter old woman. Actually, she has always been mean and bitter
Example: when EBF baby (years ago): "I am here to see (baby), NOT you!" - always wanting me to go out when she was there. I had no where to go, and was so tired, I was in no condition to drive, but hell if she cared. She came by only a couple times when DC was a baby. She is local. She did not want to help, just wanted bragging rights for her friends. I hope that example tells you the type of person she is?
Anonymous
05/27/2015 17:32
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
Anonymous wrote:Struggling with this as of late.
My MIL is very passive aggressive, a lot has to do with child, my first, and her only, grand. She speaks about my choices out loud to him (it's time for you to stop nursing young man!) in a joking manner, but which is very clearly said for my benefit and so that she I will know she disapproves of my choice, what I am doing, etc. Most of it has to do with food and/or how I care for him. It is never that outrageous, but subtle digs that drive me crazy. I am a first time mom who has had a tough relationship with both my mom (mental illness) and stepmom (jealousy), so the last thing I need is another unhealthy mother-type relationship.
I'm 40, why does this get to me so? What's a good way to address without going over the top? I realize it likely comes from her own insecurity about her choices, but I don't think it's kind or fair of her to instigate and be so indirect, while clearly getting in her disapproval.
Be passive aggressive right back. It is the only language such people understand.
Anonymous
05/27/2015 17:31
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
Anonymous wrote:. Well, if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, quacks like a duck...er, bitch...Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:.Anonymous wrote:My MIL is too cowardly to say things to me directly, but she has said very nasty things about me. She is jealous of me because I am thinner, smarter, and richer than she is. She is also jealous of my relationship with DH because she was the #1 woman in his life before me.
Read what you wrote. Maybe she just can't stand you because you are a pompous bitch.
I knew some asshole would pop up with a negative reaction to this. No, what I wrote is not the reason for her attitude towards me. I bent over backwards to be close to her and it is because I have forgiven her over and over and overlooked slights that we have any relationship at all. But I am no fool and neither are those around me. People have told me that I intimidate her and I have also seen the cattiness with which she treats any woman who she feels is better than her in any way. I am tall, naturally thin, and accomplished, and she has actually said to me that it is unfair that I am "winning" at life.
Yes, indeed, you are a bitch. I am glad you can see this.
Anonymous
05/27/2015 17:22
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
. Well, if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, quacks like a duck...er, bitch...Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:.Anonymous wrote:My MIL is too cowardly to say things to me directly, but she has said very nasty things about me. She is jealous of me because I am thinner, smarter, and richer than she is. She is also jealous of my relationship with DH because she was the #1 woman in his life before me.
Read what you wrote. Maybe she just can't stand you because you are a pompous bitch.
I knew some asshole would pop up with a negative reaction to this. No, what I wrote is not the reason for her attitude towards me. I bent over backwards to be close to her and it is because I have forgiven her over and over and overlooked slights that we have any relationship at all. But I am no fool and neither are those around me. People have told me that I intimidate her and I have also seen the cattiness with which she treats any woman who she feels is better than her in any way. I am tall, naturally thin, and accomplished, and she has actually said to me that it is unfair that I am "winning" at life.
Anonymous
05/27/2015 17:21
Subject: Re:Has your MIL said awful things to you?
[b]bifvthey did say anything, you would accuse them of being hostile and aggressive...Anonymous wrote:Did I write this? This is my MIL too. But of course, she also gets upset because she senses I'm keeping my distance, and she doesn't like that either. I'd rather have her upset because I'm distant, than have to deal with her as a "close" relative. She is someone who has stopped speaking to almost everyone she was once close too, so that's how her "close" relationships normally end.
This is actually how most of my ILs are. They thrive on drama and many of the women who marry into the family have joined it. I am always civil/polite to them and fulfill my familial reponsibilities but I keep my distance emotionally. They're too chicken shit to say anything to me directly and I don't care what they say to each other. [/b]DH supports me so I put up with it all.
Anonymous
05/27/2015 17:19
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
My MIL has to always be right about everything. When she is dead wrong, she will simply lie. I got her one time, though! She had written down the wrong day for my birthday in her little reminder notebook. When I told her the correct day, she asked me, "Are you sure?" She couldn't handle being wrong but I had to insist that I was pretty sure about the date of my birth!
Anonymous
05/27/2015 17:06
Subject: Re:Has your MIL said awful things to you?
My MIL says plenty of rude things, but after a while, I stopped getting offended and started loudly laughing in response, because the whole thing is pretty comical. E.g., at a party she directs a guest: "Go try some pastries: on the right are good ones I got from the bakery, and on the left are the ones N (me) baked" or "I wish my son (my DH, that is) was loved by the whole world. N, do you listen to me? I am looking at you".
Anonymous
05/27/2015 16:51
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
Struggling with this as of late.
My MIL is very passive aggressive, a lot has to do with child, my first, and her only, grand. She speaks about my choices out loud to him (it's time for you to stop nursing young man!) in a joking manner, but which is very clearly said for my benefit and so that she I will know she disapproves of my choice, what I am doing, etc. Most of it has to do with food and/or how I care for him. It is never that outrageous, but subtle digs that drive me crazy. I am a first time mom who has had a tough relationship with both my mom (mental illness) and stepmom (jealousy), so the last thing I need is another unhealthy mother-type relationship.
I'm 40, why does this get to me so? What's a good way to address without going over the top? I realize it likely comes from her own insecurity about her choices, but I don't think it's kind or fair of her to instigate and be so indirect, while clearly getting in her disapproval.
My MIL is very passive aggressive, a lot has to do with child, my first, and her only, grand. She speaks about my choices out loud to him (it's time for you to stop nursing young man!) in a joking manner, but which is very clearly said for my benefit and so that she I will know she disapproves of my choice, what I am doing, etc. Most of it has to do with food and/or how I care for him. It is never that outrageous, but subtle digs that drive me crazy. I am a first time mom who has had a tough relationship with both my mom (mental illness) and stepmom (jealousy), so the last thing I need is another unhealthy mother-type relationship.
I'm 40, why does this get to me so? What's a good way to address without going over the top? I realize it likely comes from her own insecurity about her choices, but I don't think it's kind or fair of her to instigate and be so indirect, while clearly getting in her disapproval.
Anonymous
05/27/2015 16:45
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
Anonymous wrote:.Anonymous wrote:My MIL is too cowardly to say things to me directly, but she has said very nasty things about me. She is jealous of me because I am thinner, smarter, and richer than she is. She is also jealous of my relationship with DH because she was the #1 woman in his life before me.
Read what you wrote. Maybe she just can't stand you because you are a pompous bitch.
I knew some asshole would pop up with a negative reaction to this. No, what I wrote is not the reason for her attitude towards me. I bent over backwards to be close to her and it is because I have forgiven her over and over and overlooked slights that we have any relationship at all. But I am no fool and neither are those around me. People have told me that I intimidate her and I have also seen the cattiness with which she treats any woman who she feels is better than her in any way. I am tall, naturally thin, and accomplished, and she has actually said to me that it is unfair that I am "winning" at life.
Anonymous
05/27/2015 16:45
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
No, she is a sweet lady.
Anonymous
05/27/2015 16:43
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
Anonymous wrote:MIL has passed but SIL makes up for it by making snide comments on all occasions (even in front of kids). Yes, it's all about her because she treats DH (her brother) just as miserably!
PP here: how do I react? By staying home to relax and letting DH handle her himself.
Anonymous
05/27/2015 16:42
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
MIL has passed but SIL makes up for it by making snide comments on all occasions (even in front of kids). Yes, it's all about her because she treats DH (her brother) just as miserably!
Anonymous
05/27/2015 16:40
Subject: Re:Has your MIL said awful things to you?
Anonymous wrote:Did I write this? This is my MIL too. But of course, she also gets upset because she senses I'm keeping my distance, and she doesn't like that either. I'd rather have her upset because I'm distant, than have to deal with her as a "close" relative. She is someone who has stopped speaking to almost everyone she was once close too, so that's how her "close" relationships normally end.
This is actually how most of my ILs are. They thrive on drama and many of the women who marry into the family have joined it. I am always civil/polite to them and fulfill my familial reponsibilities but I keep my distance emotionally. They're too chicken shit to say anything to me directly and I don't care what they say to each other. DH supports me so I put up with it all.
Yup on the "too chicken shit" to say anything. A few times early on she would say something and when I diplomatically addressed her about it she was taken aback and claimed a misunderstanding. She started to drop remarks to DH about me and he shut that down immediately. Since then she has tried to come back around and act as if we could be best friends if only I would let her in! wah!!!!
Anonymous
05/27/2015 16:29
Subject: Re:Has your MIL said awful things to you?
Did I write this? This is my MIL too. But of course, she also gets upset because she senses I'm keeping my distance, and she doesn't like that either. I'd rather have her upset because I'm distant, than have to deal with her as a "close" relative. She is someone who has stopped speaking to almost everyone she was once close too, so that's how her "close" relationships normally end.
This is actually how most of my ILs are. They thrive on drama and many of the women who marry into the family have joined it. I am always civil/polite to them and fulfill my familial reponsibilities but I keep my distance emotionally. They're too chicken shit to say anything to me directly and I don't care what they say to each other. DH supports me so I put up with it all.
Anonymous
05/27/2015 16:17
Subject: Has your MIL said awful things to you?
. Read what you wrote. Maybe she just can't stand you because you are a pompous bitch.Anonymous wrote:My MIL is too cowardly to say things to me directly, but she has said very nasty things about me. She is jealous of me because I am thinner, smarter, and richer than she is. She is also jealous of my relationship with DH because she was the #1 woman in his life before me.