Anonymous wrote:My child is young. My mom didn't listen to my calls, read my mail, search my room or car and was always available to listen to me vent/complain/whatever without being too judgy. I also did not abuse that trust. I would like to have a similar relationship with my daughter when she is a teenager.

Your daughter sounds like she is having issues related to autonomy, control and privacy. If she is deleting texts, she is hiding something from you. Spying on her will not magically make her share with you. She will just not text about it, or communicate with her friends in a different way.

If the rule is that you can read the text, she may feel like she is adhering to the letter of the agreement by deleting the texts she does not want you to read. It is also possible that she is deleting things not because of what SHE says but because of what she RECEIVES. I confided a ton in my mom, but I would never have shared the details of my friends' struggles, particularly in ways that identified them, because I knew there were things they were going through that my mom would have felt obligated to tell their parents about.

This is the best advice you have gotten and it mirrors the way I was brought up and how I brought up my teenagers. You cannot monitor her, she will find a way around it. A better use of your energy is to build the relationship so that she feels she can come to you with important things and that means letting go. It's the letting go that builds the relationship if you demonstrate that you are waiting with open arms and no judgement.

The PPs who are comparing it to listening in on phone calls or reading their diary are in for a rude awakening some day. A phone conversation can't be shared with the entire school when the friend gets mad at her a few months later. A phone call can't resurface some day when they are applying for college or a job. Our kids are growing up in a world that is way bigger than the world we grew up in. they really truly need several years of training to learn what they should and should not do on their phones/internet. when my kids complain about not having privacy since i read their texts, I remind them that they are more than welcome to call or facetime the friend if they need privacy. But i have told them from day one that texts are not private.

My kids are very good, responsible people, and they still make stupid mistakes. Dd hates that I monitor her texts, but she also knows that she still needs my guidance. there was one time where she did something anonymously that was incredibly stupid. She thought it was a cute little prank, but people were very upset about it. If anyone had found out it was her, she would have lost all of her friends and so much more. When she realized how it had upset people, she came to me about it and told me everything. I have never seen her so frightened and upset. I did help her out of it, and nobody ever found out. I'm sure some would say that I should have let her suffer the consequences, but I just couldn't. Not this time. I am usually all about natural consequences for their actions, but that wasn't the direction I wanted to go. I am glad she came to me, and I want her to continue to do so. So this was my chance to prove that she really can come to me when she gets herself in trouble. After we got the situation under control, we discussed her punishment, and she did not fight it.

I posted this on another thread, so I'm copying it here since it applies. This is how I demonstrated to DD that deleting something does not mean it's gone forever: For awhile, kids were into posting pics on instagram with the caption "deleting in 5 min" If they didn't want TOO many people to see it, I guess. Well, dd posted one of those. I took a screen shot of it and Sent it to dh. Told him to screen shot it and pass it on but keep it in the family. Several hours later, We revealed to dd that her "deleted" post lives on. By then, everyone on both sides of her family had seen it, saved it to their own device, and then passed it on. Seems cruel, I know, but it really showed her that nothing is truly deleted.

Anonymous wrote:How do you know she is deleting them? (Sorry if this is a dumb question but I'm genuinely curious.)

Parent of teenagers. You can tell by looking at your phone bill.

I periodically spot check my kid's phones but honestly, if she is that at risk and you can't trust her at all than she should not have a phone. They need some privacy at that age. And fyi, my high schooler doesn't even text anymore. They use snapchat and things that disappear so you'd better be trusting them and have taught them how to use their phone responsibly by that time.

How do you know she is deleting them? (Sorry if this is a dumb question but I'm genuinely curious.)

My child is young. My mom didn't listen to my calls, read my mail, search my room or car and was always available to listen to me vent/complain/whatever without being too judgy. I also did not abuse that trust. I would like to have a similar relationship with my daughter when she is a teenager.

Your daughter sounds like she is having issues related to autonomy, control and privacy. If she is deleting texts, she is hiding something from you. Spying on her will not magically make her share with you. She will just not text about it, or communicate with her friends in a different way.

If the rule is that you can read the text, she may feel like she is adhering to the letter of the agreement by deleting the texts she does not want you to read. It is also possible that she is deleting things not because of what SHE says but because of what she RECEIVES. I confided a ton in my mom, but I would never have shared the details of my friends' struggles, particularly in ways that identified them, because I knew there were things they were going through that my mom would have felt obligated to tell their parents about.

Anonymous wrote:OP - she's under the care of a therapist and other mental health professionals. And I agree we don't want to drive it further underground.

I would talk with those professionals, then.

OP - she's under the care of a therapist and other mental health professionals. And I agree we don't want to drive it further underground.

OK, so you have a young teen who is anxious and who sometimes cuts herself. Are you getting help with this? Have you talked with the therapist about monitoring texts?

Anonymous wrote:Why do you feel the need to monitor her texts? Genuine question here. My kids are still little.

Parent of teenagers here. When a kid sends a text or a photo it can be forwarded and uploaded to the Internet. So your child loses control of everything that gets sent. So for example if your daughter sends a photo of herself in just a bra to her boyfriend, he can forward it and that person can forward it . . . Kids do stupid things and they are very concrete with poor judgment at times. They can't always recognize the consequences of their actions and you can't predict every single situation they will find themselves in so you can't prepare them for everything. I monitor texts and Internet activities because once they are sent they are permanent and you can't regain control.

Here are some ideas OP:

https://discussions.apple.com/thread/3629217

"has anxiety and sometimes cuts. "

wtf get thee to a mental health expert BTW, she is under your rules

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is 13, has anxiety and sometimes cuts. We occasionally monitor her phone so we can get a sense of when things are getting particularly bad. We talk with her all the time - but she gets quiet and doesn't want to talk when things are getting worse.

Honestly, with issues like these, I would monitor when I could. I did this with DD's instagram around the same time, when she was suffering from lots of anxiety and not cutting but had lots of friends who did. But I also think you have to be careful not to drive her further underground ... there are lots of ways for kids to text and IM that you won't see. I don't think you can "lower the hammer" given her situation.

Is she in therapy? Maybe you can work out something with mediation of therapy.

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

I still remember my mom listening in on my phone calls. It was a ridiculous invasion of privacy.

A number of years ago a teen took her parents to court over her parents listening to her calls without her consent ... and won! What is the law on this especially wrt personal devices.

OP here. She is 13, has anxiety and sometimes cuts. We occasionally monitor her phone so we can get a sense of when things are getting particularly bad. We talk with her all the time - but she gets quiet and doesn't want to talk when things are getting worse.