Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it about the money, is it about the personality, or is it about the "drive"? Which one of those three, if changed, would make you happy?

Listen, you picked him. I think it's you that needs an attitude adjustment, not him that needs to change.

He just generally lacks initiative and drags his feet a lot before all major decisions. It took him a long time to date me, a long time to finally propose to me and now his money issues are hindering my dream of having a house. He's a sweet guy and he works hard but not smart. He doesn't really have a plan.

The posts sound so automated. Are you a troll, or just a whore?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

That's what I mean. He's graduated from really well respected private schools. He was groomed to do so much more.

But based on your own description of him, he's never been the grab life by the balls type, and this was evident in his courtship of you. So why are you surprised now? What did you think would happen?

Well I was young and naive. He talked the talk. Everything I was looking for:

A.good character
B.desire to get married and loved children
C.good relations with his family
D. Very erudite and well educated.
E. Talked of wanting to take care of his family


Etc.
Those talks I found out, aren't bs led up by action. He said he wanted to get married but waiting a long time to propose, etc.

So he has good intentions, he is just so slow and unmotivated to go get what he wants and muses about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it about the money, is it about the personality, or is it about the "drive"? Which one of those three, if changed, would make you happy?

Listen, you picked him. I think it's you that needs an attitude adjustment, not him that needs to change.

He just generally lacks initiative and drags his feet a lot before all major decisions. It took him a long time to date me, a long time to finally propose to me and now his money issues are hindering my dream of having a house. He's a sweet guy and he works hard but not smart. He doesn't really have a plan.

So the signs were there BEFORE you married him? Did you ever really respect him?

You should be angry with yourself, not blaming your DH. He is the same man you dated and married, and now you cry "I don't respect him!"

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would suggest you stop putting everything on your husband, and make your own dreams happen. Make your own money and get ahead yourself, if it means that much to you. Cut the husband loose if he has no redeeming qualities to you, or if you love him, consider being supportive and positive, and see if maybe he'll gain more confidence.

As someone who has maybe, just a little bit, been in OP's shoes, I can tell you this is the only way to be happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

That's what I mean. He's graduated from really well respected private schools. He was groomed to do so much more.

But based on your own description of him, he's never been the grab life by the balls type, and this was evident in his courtship of you. So why are you surprised now? What did you think would happen?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

That's what I mean. He's graduated from really well respected private schools. He was groomed to do so much more.

Ok I will try to be "nicer" to OP because I kind of understand where she is coming from. My DH is very similar.

OP, your husband is a person, not a collection of traits which you either like or dislike. I've noticed on DCUM that women think of their husbands as some sort of catalog of things they can brag about like, "My DH is sweet, does the dishes, makes 320k, and is hot. He's the nerd I found that no one else wanted and now I'm a winner nyah nyah." This is pretty insane and reflects some issues with these posters, which is basically what DCUM is all about. More than that, you actually chose your husband, so at some point you liked more things about him than you disliked.

It's reasonable that over the years people change, and maybe you've realized that what you actually wanted is a man who is confident and makes more money. Too bad! This is what you've got. YOU can be confident, YOU can make more money, but you can't force your DH to become these things. I've often wondered why my DH isn't as confident as other people, but it's because he's cautious and honest with people. Those are GOOD things. He doesn't feel the need to assert his superiority or bullshit with people. If he knows something, he knows it, if he doesn't, he isn't afraid to be vulnerable or ask for help. These are GREAT traits.

Even though we are adults and we should know better, people forget that in life, every strength has a corresponding weakness. You may have lots of money, but not much time to enjoy it. You may have a great career, but not have the energy left over to enjoy fulfilling hobbies or friendships. You may not have a lot of "confidence" but you may have a lot of insight and humility instead. Life isn't a race, and you shouldn't ruin your marriage over perceived weaknesses.

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

How is your self respect? Sounds like you really messed up to choose him as a life partner despite these bad signs you saw all along.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He could be doing so much more with his life! He's smart but shy and has self esteem issues and only brings in 70k.

Only brings in 70K?

Ok...so...based on some of your other remarks...is it possible he is A.D.D.?

I've actually suspected it. But he has two degrees with honors and excels at his job...I don't know if he could do that with ADD

Again, how much do you make?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it about the money, is it about the personality, or is it about the "drive"? Which one of those three, if changed, would make you happy?

Listen, you picked him. I think it's you that needs an attitude adjustment, not him that needs to change.

He just generally lacks initiative and drags his feet a lot before all major decisions. It took him a long time to date me, a long time to finally propose to me and now his money issues are hindering my dream of having a house. He's a sweet guy and he works hard but not smart. He doesn't really have a plan.

I bet you are the dominate head of household. It's very unattractive to be with a man who is happy with this dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He could be doing so much more with his life! He's smart but shy and has self esteem issues and only brings in 70k.

Only brings in 70K?

Ok...so...based on some of your other remarks...is it possible he is A.D.D.?

I've actually suspected it. But he has two degrees with honors and excels at his job...I don't know if he could do that with ADD

I make significantly more than that, have two degrees, and have fairly severe ADHD. It took a long time to diagnose precisely because doctors assumed it couldn't be a substantial life impairment if I was nominally successful.

That being said, nothing you've said so far convinced me he has ADD as opposed to that he has struck a reasonable work-life balance that maximizes his happiness.

Why did you marry someone you have no respect for? (I find it sad respect correlates with cash for so many people, but oh well, no point in going there.)

Anonymous wrote:He could be doing so much more with his life! He's smart but shy and has self esteem issues and only brings in 70k.

None of these characteristics merit your lack of respect. They are differences, not deficits. I would be more likely to lose respect for someone who didn't appreciate that. Sorry, OP. You need to figure out a way to make peace with this or it will doom your marital happiness. These are not traits that can be changed. I've come to realize over the many years of my marriage that respect is more important even than live in making a marriage work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He could be doing so much more with his life! He's smart but shy and has self esteem issues and only brings in 70k.

Only brings in 70K?

Ok...so...based on some of your other remarks...is it possible he is A.D.D.?

I've actually suspected it. But he has two degrees with honors and excels at his job...I don't know if he could do that with ADD