This is a theme in lots of literature. As long as you don't treat her poorly or get bitter yourself, I think you're doing ok!

Anonymous wrote:Why is the assumption here that beautiful women have better lives? I can think of a ton of disadvantages: unwanted male attention (from whistles on the street to more serious aggressive behavior, obsessions, stalking), a princess complex that can lead to narcissism, a self-identity wrapped up in appearance that begins to collapse by 30, the likelihood of being made a trophy wife by an alpha male (i.e. chosen for her appearance rather than her true self), a perfectionism that means she'll never be satisfied… (Examples drawn from real, beautiful acquaintences).

"Don't hate me because I am beautiful"

Why is the assumption here that beautiful women have better lives? I can think of a ton of disadvantages: unwanted male attention (from whistles on the street to more serious aggressive behavior, obsessions, stalking), a princess complex that can lead to narcissism, a self-identity wrapped up in appearance that begins to collapse by 30, the likelihood of being made a trophy wife by an alpha male (i.e. chosen for her appearance rather than her true self), a perfectionism that means she'll never be satisfied… (Examples drawn from real, beautiful acquaintences).

Anonymous wrote:I understand how you feel, OP. It's not my DD's beauty but the environment in which she's growing up. I had a traumatic, abusive childhood. DD is a lot like me and I feel some bitterness when I think how differently my life might have been had I the nurturing she has. I'm not jealous but am envious.

I can relate to this. Sometimes I just look around and think, what world is this child growing up in? How did I manage to create this life for her? I feel overwhelming gratitude, but also a lot of grief and yes, envy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a very tough time relating to this concept. I'm not accusing you of being a bad person or something, but I just can't ever imagine feeling that way. When something good happens to my children, something good has happened to me. I just don't think I could think about it any other way.

Well, that's also a bit effed up too.

How is that effed up? Totally disagree!! Happy, when your kid is happy (the same for sad) is part of being a parent!

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know how you feel. I am a little jealous, but more happy that she does not experience the kind of loneliness and insecurity I had.
What frustrates me, however, is that I can't give her love advice... I never had multiple suitors at a time. Guys left me more times than I left them, and there never was anyone waiting in the wings for when I was alone again.
I am also worried that she may overlook "the one" because there are many guys around her trying to impress.

The problem is instead of dating the good or easier guys sometimes you end up after the guys who are hard to get. I used to get a lot of male attention and I'm really lucky that I ended up with my DH and not any of those assholes. Also, now I don't have guys come up to me
to tell me I'm the most beautiful girl in the club that night, it's fine, but you need more than your beauty in life.

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird feeling to have. I adore my daughter, am on her side 100%, love her to death, etc. And I'm very, very proud of her. But it's so embarrassing and weird to admit that to an extent I also envy her.

My daughter is beautiful. Just out-and-out gorgeous. When we walk places, guys stare at her and she nonchalantly accepts these tributes to her beauty with the indifference of someone who has received them her whole life. She has guys fighting over her in high school.

I was the very definition of Plain Jane growing up. I didn't get asked out by anyone until I was 28 and by some weird miracle met DH when I was 33. I've always bought my own drinks, never had a man stare at me or compliment me, lol. None of it is a big deal and I certainly never wasted my energy thinking about it after a certain age, but seeing my DD's life makes me understand how comparatively lacking my own girlhood was. I do feel a certain sense of envy that this is something I could never experience.

I want to know I'm not the only parent who goes through this weird and guilt-inducing experience of envying their child?

Obviously it was more of a big deal than you recognized. Now the question is...how do you banish these personally harmful feelings?

Dh and I were surprised when we realized that dd was beautiful. Somehow she got the best parts of both of us. It has been interesting. Some thoughts:

1) Some people clearly liked me a lot because I had a beautiful daughter. That felt odd, given that I wasn't the one who picked out her DNA.

2) I realized that all my life there was this little part of me that believed that beautiful people were "better" than me (and yes I have a PhD but I still fell for that) and now that it my own kid who was one of those beautiful people quite by accident without her having done anything to deserve it, I realized that I had been scammed all those years without even knowing it. Beautiful people are just lucky, not more deserving.

3) Reading the posts of once beautiful women in the 50 and over threads on DCUM makes me realize that I am having a great time in my old age because I'm not losing this powerful thing that once got me lots of attention. And then I remember I have to warn my kid that this change will come and that she better not get too attached to her looks.

4) Not jealous of my kid at all. On one hand she gets more attention because she's beautiful and I'm glad for her. On the other hand she gets more attention from predators and I feel sorry for her. There are a couple of asshole teens who I would like to strangle who manipulated and used her and that would have been less likely to happen if she hadn't been beautiful.

The author of Reviving Ophelia said it was best for a girl to be not too beautiful and not too ugly in order to avoid the most toxic aspects of female adolescence. While I would have liked to have been beautiful as a teen, I think I dodged a bullet all in all. My daughter had a rough adolescence in part because she was beautiful. She's doing very well now and has come through with flying colors but it would have been easier for her if she hadn't been quite so beautiful.

5) She's the best kid ever. I'm so proud of her regardless of how she looks.

You know OP, I feel like my mom is a bit jealous of my success (compared to her's). It comes across in the way she talks to me or some of the things she says, which is not very nice. I would make sure you check yourself.

OP, I know how you feel. I am a little jealous, but more happy that she does not experience the kind of loneliness and insecurity I had.
What frustrates me, however, is that I can't give her love advice... I never had multiple suitors at a time. Guys left me more times than I left them, and there never was anyone waiting in the wings for when I was alone again.
I am also worried that she may overlook "the one" because there are many guys around her trying to impress.

My DD is only 12, but she's beautiful. To put it mildly, I hit every branch in the ugly tree on the way down. In every single picture of me since I was 3 or 4, I have always tried my hardest to look my best when photographed. She on the other hand, will purposely make ugly and silly faces and photograph them, secure in the knowledge that she doesn't really look that way. Her confidence fascinates me. She has so much confidence where I have had none.

I'm not really jealous of her. Just so, SO relieved that someone I love more than life itself is not going through the hell I've gone through. I picked her up from school last Friday and while we were waiting for the bus to head home, two different kids, both in higher grades than hers, yelled out to her from across the street - one to let her know of an award she'd gotten, and one who just wanted to wave goodbye. She has no idea how lucky she is, or how different things could be, or are for other kids.

I don't want her to feel guilty for being born with an advantage and yet try to balance that with her being aware of other kids who don't have it.

I always admired women with high cheekbones and dimples. My daughter was born with both. I was delighted. I felt like it was too late for God to give these to me, but my daughter is an extension of me, and it was God's pleasure to bless my daughter for my benefit.

I understand how you feel, OP. It's not my DD's beauty but the environment in which she's growing up. I had a traumatic, abusive childhood. DD is a lot like me and I feel some bitterness when I think how differently my life might have been had I the nurturing she has. I'm not jealous but am envious.

my MIL was definitely jealous of my SIL. it made for a pretty awful upbringing for my SIL (my DH and his brother had their own issues with MIL, but nothing like what she did to my SIL).

OP, my DD is only 6yo but i get a lot of compliments on how gorgeous she is already (which is a little unnerving). i was not gorgeous growing up, i am like a vintage wine, i have gotten better looking as i have aged. i don't know whether what you feel is normal or not, and i don't know how old your DD is, but based on what i have experienced with my SIL just please make sure that you check your jealousy at your brain and don't take it out on your DD.

I'm not jealous of my DS, because like everyone he is a mixed bag, but he has incredible social confidence (and DH and I were really insecure nerdy kids). It seems weird that he is so different from us. He makes friends everywhere.