Anonymous wrote:Totally reasonable, and you know that! Just tell them exactly what you said here.

I agree. My IL's live 200 miles away. My parents live 1500 miles away. We don't spend any of the major holidays with my family, because it's too stressful and expensive to travel during those times. We celebrate Christmas with my IL's, but usually, we have an early celebration a week or two before the 25th. We spend Christmas Eve and Day at home, because we have young children who enjoy the whole Santa Claus experience. We like it, too, and it's important to us to establish our own family traditions.

Also, I LOVE cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Love it!

I've seen this outlook/approach a lot on DCUM. In response to any issue that may come up regarding ILs, people say that DH should be the one to talk to them.

I've never really understood this. Why is that? In any other circumstance where there is an "issue" that affects my family, I am comfortable dealing directly with the other person. This includes neighbors, teachers, colleagues, service providers, etc. Why should I not feel the same way, or even moreso, with inlaws who are family?

Of course, I wouldn't want my husband to be a coward, and I would want him to have my back. But I don't see why he should always be the mouthpiece to his family. We are all adults...

Thanks, everyone. I really like the idea of pointing out that we want them to have holiday memories of being home, just like DH does.

OP - Point out to in-laws if there are any questions that you want your two children who are at the perfect ages to have fond memories of holidays in their home and your husband does of his childhood, too, and they are at just the right ages to do so. You are still extending an invitation to the inlaws so not excluding them. For other families it might be breaking up the annual week at the beach summer family vacation.

Totally reasonable. Tell them you want some thanksgivings at your house, and the kids want to stay home at Christmas and play with their new toys so you'll alternate thanksgiving and easter or whatever works for you.

OP here. My husband is on board with me about this, though I feel stronger about it than he does. He loves to cook and likes the idea of doing Tgiving our own style. He has a good relationship with his parents and would be the one to tell them this is what we are doing. I like them, and I don't want to hurt their feelings. I wanted to check in with you all and see if this was reasonable.

Ironically, he did not travel to his grandparents' houses for holidays -- his holidays have always been at his parents house, since he was little. I traveled to my grandparents when I was little but maybe when I was 10ish? 13ish? we started having holidays at home.

I have tried to put myself in her shoes, and I understand how hard it would be to not have your grown kids come to your house for holidays (especially if that's how it's been since they were children), but I hope I will remember how important (and fun) it was for me to make our own traditions/holidays. I also think it is hard for MIL to take a less central role in the family and to realize that "home" for us is our home. She tends to be a little over-involved, and while I am happy that she wants to be involved and she is a good grandparent, it is hard to meet her expectations on how often we will visit, etc. And I can empathize with her wanting to see her son and grandkids on the holidays, which is why we will still go there on Easter (unless we decide to alternate Easter-Tgiving at her house) and on Dec 26. We can still have a big dinner with her on the 26th if she wants, have xmas cookies, presents, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable at all.

We have a similar situation -- ILs about 3 hrs away and my family on the other side of the country. Our compromise has been...

Thanksgiving every year with the ILs.
Xmas at home, go to ILs, either right after Xmas or for New Year's. My parents come visit us for Xmas every-other-year. Alternate years they stay at home and do xmas with my sister and her family.
My ILs don't care about Easter so we're usually at home or on vacation.

NP, but I'm in the same situation too. This sounds like too much! So even on years that you spend Christmas at home, you still have to go to their house after? Yikes. I'm trying SO hard to get away from this. What's up with grandparents not wanting to travel??

I'd be happy to have my ILs come up but the reality is that FIL and MIL are elderly and in poor health so they can't travel alone, DH's siblings all live in the hometown and their kids are teens/young adults with their own lives, jobs, etc. DH wants to see ALL his family, not just his parents. It just makes more sense for us to go down and spend a weekend with them (NOT on Xmas because I hate the way they do Xmas). Having the whole extended family caravan up to our house (where we don't have room for everyone to stay) seems silly just for us to get a turn to host. The first couple years we did this (when DS was a baby) we did go up on the 26th and I don't like that -- it's too rushed. Now, we typically go for New Years Eve/Day so there's a break, or the weekend in between, depending on how the holidays fall.

As PP mentioned, the OP needs to talk with her DH about what HE wants the holidays to be like and how they will spend time with his family. And, how they spend time with the DW's family. When I gave up traveling to my family for holidays, it was with the clear agreement that I also take the kids to see my family for 2 weeks every summer and attend as many family events (weddings, funerals, etc.) as possible.