Anonymous wrote:Op here: I told dh about incident I had about 3 yrs ago. He was supportive, compassionate but not shocked as frankly he growing up had sadly had a few weird encounters of his own. I don't think much surprises him. And the dd had not said anything yet. So flash forward dd has said this and then I kind of wake up to my feelings about my experience and what she had said. The event I had is not new news to him. So I think my dd worries? He thinks low chance but he's always quick to defer to me to trust my judgement. I mean we both think likely nothing but my history makes it nearly impossible for me to ignore this.

I don't understand why you think it's a low chance, given what happened to you,and the fact that you had left her with them for a weekend alone (unless I am misremembering).

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I guess the thing about this issue is there really is no happy medium. If I put this out there, that this happened etc, everything implodes, I hurt a domino effect of family members. Relationships end. And yet even a smidgen of risk w my dd based on my minor experience puts me in a full stop mode I have trouble overriding.

Never, ever override your guts.

You know the truth down deep: there is a risk of molestation.

You're a mother now. Your children's safety comes first. All the rest is way, way down the ranking of your priority.

Trust your guts. Keep her safe.

Op here: I told dh about incident I had about 3 yrs ago. He was supportive, compassionate but not shocked as frankly he growing up had sadly had a few weird encounters of his own. I don't think much surprises him. And the dd had not said anything yet. So flash forward dd has said this and then I kind of wake up to my feelings about my experience and what she had said. The event I had is not new news to him. So I think my dd worries? He thinks low chance but he's always quick to defer to me to trust my judgement. I mean we both think likely nothing but my history makes it nearly impossible for me to ignore this.

OP I think you should stop convincing yourself that there is a 99% chance that nothing happened. The point is that you are not sure and that there is a possibility that your father did something that at the very least made DD uncomfortable.

If I were you, I would go when I feel ready, but be with your DD at all times.

I'm kind of surprised your DH isn't more concerned, but maybe he doesn't know everything you know?

I remember your original post.

What exactly has changed since the last post? This doesn't seem like an update vs. trying to get more support to back up your "feeling."

You need to find a good therapist and work with them, not keep coming here and asking the same question over and over. It's always going to be split opinions on what you should do.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you have to cut off contact completely. Stay in a hotel when you visit, watch like a hawk, and never, ever let her out of your sight. There is almost no chance that anything could happen if you are always right with her.

Horrible advice.

OP, take some time to work with a professional to figure out what is going on and to work through your own issues. You can't subject your daughter to him if something did happen. That is just cruel. Take the time you need to be sure.

Op here: it sounds good but believe me there is no way to stay in hotel without them demanding to know what the heck is happening. There is zero lie that would convince them, no plausible reason to stay in hotel. Jig would be up.

OP, I don't think you have to cut off contact completely. Stay in a hotel when you visit, watch like a hawk, and never, ever let her out of your sight. There is almost no chance that anything could happen if you are always right with her.

Op here : I'm appreciating everyone's thoughts. After my dd said that and i ignored it or dismissed it, since then we have visited them once and they us. So a lot of time had passed (almost a yr) and then I had my omg I didn't listen and further I am feeling the inappropriateness of yrs ago in a new way all of a sudden. So she had these two visits happily but frankly God forbid anything happened to her, I moved on yrs ago and she God forbid could have too. But it feels impossible to ignore my deep awareness of the inappropriateness now even if zero took place w her and I truly think she probably was saying what kids sometimes say when faced w seeing a reserved grownup . But It was like my frying pan to head moment last winter. Not willing to take a smidge of risk knowing what I do. While I hate this seems like out of clear blue sky what I can I do? That's where I am.

Ok so you take your daughter to a therapist and see what they come up with. If something happened to your daughter I think you have to tell your mother and cut off ties with your father. If you don't conclusively find out if he did anything I think you sit down with your daughter and really find out if she is ok being around him. If she is I think you can visit if you want to but do not let your daughter out of your sight for a second. If she isn't I don't think you should force it. I really feel badly for you OP, this is a horrible situation.

Op here: I guess the thing about this issue is there really is no happy medium. If I put this out there, that this happened etc, everything implodes, I hurt a domino effect of family members. Relationships end. And yet even a smidgen of risk w my dd based on my minor experience puts me in a full stop mode I have trouble overriding.

Anonymous wrote:Op here : no, nobody in family knows. They are elderly. But for this secret detail they've lovely, I love them etc. I hate this in spades. It's true, it's like this knowledge and wake up I had coupled with my dd saying this (even if it was a throwaway comment) and I'm paralyzed and want to cut off the contact.

It might not be a throwaway comment though. Based on the facts as you have presented them I think the odds are higher that he made your daughter uncomfortable. I have a relative who would put his hands on my shoulders in a really creepy way and I recently saw him do the same thing to my cousin's 8 year old daughter all these years later. He never did anything else but it's very creepy and my cousins daughter should not have to be around him. It could be something like this.

Give yourself some time, OP. You don't have to figure this out now. Take care of yourself and think about it without pressure to make a decision, for a while.

OP, I would encourage YOU to work this through w/ a trained professional. These are serious issues and I think you need some help in separating what you are remembering and feeling from what your role is as a mother. You are in a tough spot, complicated by lots of ambiguity and significant family relationships.

I think someone with training and experience could help you work this through and find a path that feels right, and that you can live with and communicate as necessary to other family members.

Good luck.

Op here : no, nobody in family knows. They are elderly. But for this secret detail they've lovely, I love them etc. I hate this in spades. It's true, it's like this knowledge and wake up I had coupled with my dd saying this (even if it was a throwaway comment) and I'm paralyzed and want to cut off the contact.