While parents don't owe their adult children anything, let alone fairness, they should realize that disparate gifts/help can cause friction. My BIL is a single dad with underlying addiction/gambling issues. He has made and continues to make bad life choices. Although he is now clean/sober, he is a bottomless pit of needs.

This is a tough situation -- I am in a similar one w/ my BIL. For me, though, it's not about me wanting the same as was given to him but rather about wanting my PIL to establish healthy, non-codependent boundaries with the BIL and for the BIL to realize that his level of taking is corrosive. (Good luck with that, I know).

Many parents have guilt that they are somehow responsible for the messed-up way a child turned out. The parents will do anything, including bringing the other children down, in an attempt to make it all look better.

The parents are living irrationally. You can not reason with irrationality. Know that they are hurting. And it's very unfortunate. If you are living your life as a functioning, happy, relatively successful adult, count your blessings. You have what you need.

Your friend is going to be a score-keeping-guilt-inducing witch of a MIL one day.

when a parent is helping one of their adult children, it is necessary or "only fair" that they then "gift" their other adult child the same?

Parents should make a general, good faith attempt to equalize the distribution of their assets - if they are going to distribute assets, which they certainly shouldn't be expected to do.
However, re: life-threatening medical conditions (as long as the affected person is taking responsibility), I think that's a unique situation - unique enough that no one should be focused on money.
As long as the money is available to give without hardship.

While parents don't owe their adult children anything, let alone fairness, they should realize that disparate gifts/help can cause friction. My BIL is a single dad with underlying addiction/gambling issues. He has made and continues to make bad life choices. Although he is now clean/sober, he is a bottomless pit of needs.

My in-laws are struggling to help him have the same lifestyle as my husband and me and our kids. They give him considerable financial help and 24/7 childcare. So 99% of their help, time, and love (yes, sadly) goes to my BIL and his kids. Because they spent so much more time with my nieces/nephews, they are much closer to them and will favor them to the point of sometimes ignoring/treating my kids badly. Whenever we have a problem (serious illness/injury), we get zero help because they are too busy taking care of my BIL and his kids.

I used to think it was reasonable to give BIL so much more as he needed it more. But I can't help but feel resentful that because of this messed up situation, we've become second class citizens to them. Oh it doesn't just stop with unequal treatment, they also think we should giving more time/help to BIL and his kids too so that we can compensate for their broken family.

Anonymous wrote:I have always told my four kids that "fair" does NOT mean "equal." Fair means each child gets what they personally need. I bought one a keyboard. I did not feel obligated to buy the other three a keyboard, since they had no interest in continuing piano when they went off to college. That was fair.

I would apply the same logic to adult children.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Fair never means equal.
I tell my kids this all the time.
My kids have different needs, and I treat and help them accordingly.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest thinks we owe him because we helped out his sister and her kids. He has now decided since we played favorites and didn't make his life easier, he no longer speaks to us or allows us to see the grandkids.

Never in a million years did I think he would do this but he has. I accept how he feels but he is wrong and greedy. A lot of what he thinks has been put into his head by his wife. So be it. We also recently wrote a will. They will not be receiving anything upon our deaths.

It shames me to know our kid feels this way because he wasn't raised to be like that.

Really? Sounds to me like he learned from his parents, as you are now cutting him off. Why not at least give something to the grandkids, if you will have it to give?

You don't know me so stfu cow.

I can't believe the gall of your friend and her pushover H who actually has the audacity to present these demands to his parents. Yikes.

My ILs believe that all should be equal and are to the dime on everything they do. We once randomly got a check in the mail because they gave some piece of antique furniture to my BIL and his wife when the wife expressed an interest in the piece. In their minds, the only fair thing was to cut a check for the value of the furniture to my H to square things up. I have always found that behavior strange. We neither wanted or needed the furniture plus we live quite a distance away.

My parents are more in the "it all evens out in the end" school of thought and my brother and I are different places in life. He just bought a house, so my mom might buy him new bath towels or a kitchen appliance if she sees one he needs. We are having a second baby so if she sees a box of diapers on sale she might pick us up a box. When we were younger, he was into expensive travel sports and needed expensive orthodontics. I wanted/needed neither. Children, adult ones included may have differing needs throughout life and all things cannot be nickel and dime even and it seems exhausting to me to keep a running tally of such things.

I disagree with most posters here. Although parents don't "owe" their adult children anything, I think that financial giving between siblings should be equal. Yes, one sibling may have a medical emergency NOW and need money NOW. But no one knows what the future will bring. If, after the parents are dead, the other sibling gets cancer and needs to take time off, the parents won't be there to help. I think major financial gifting - like $10000 to help an unemployed adult, should be equal.

I have always told my four kids that "fair" does NOT mean "equal." Fair means each child gets what they personally need. I bought one a keyboard. I did not feel obligated to buy the other three a keyboard, since they had no interest in continuing piano when they went off to college. That was fair.

I would apply the same logic to adult children.

Anonymous wrote:My oldest thinks we owe him because we helped out his sister and her kids. He has now decided since we played favorites and didn't make his life easier, he no longer speaks to us or allows us to see the grandkids.

Never in a million years did I think he would do this but he has. I accept how he feels but he is wrong and greedy. A lot of what he thinks has been put into his head by his wife. So be it. We also recently wrote a will. They will not be receiving anything upon our deaths.

It shames me to know our kid feels this way because he wasn't raised to be like that.

Really? Sounds to me like he learned from his parents, as you are now cutting him off. Why not at least give something to the grandkids, if you will have it to give?

My oldest thinks we owe him because we helped out his sister and her kids. He has now decided since we played favorites and didn't make his life easier, he no longer speaks to us or allows us to see the grandkids.

Never in a million years did I think he would do this but he has. I accept how he feels but he is wrong and greedy. A lot of what he thinks has been put into his head by his wife. So be it. We also recently wrote a will. They will not be receiving anything upon our deaths.

It shames me to know our kid feels this way because he wasn't raised to be like that.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you. My brother makes less money than I do. My parents and I both have more disposable income. As a result, sometimes I am pretty sure my parents have paid for travel for him for family events (I doubt very much that he's ever asked). I think this totally fair. We want to see him! I don't need my parents to cut me a check to even things out, that's silly.

Thanks for saying this. We tend to spend more where it's needed more instead of equally and I often wonder if that is the wrong approach.

You are right. She is wrong.

It's ridiculous and very unattractive, her thinking on this. What do you value in your friendship with this woman?