Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 09:22     Subject: Re:DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?

1. Doesn't apologize for his actions.
2. Doesn't even acknowledge his actions.
3. Doesn't say that he needs to or will try to change.
4. Tries to deflect problems back on you (you're so emotional, you are taking care of others not him).
5. Uses the most painful experience of your life to try and provoke emotion.
6. Holds himself out as a nice guy who just wants to make you (and other, presumably including the other woman) happy.

He's a manipulative jerk.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 09:10     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
I see the slams which were in bold above. When you first read it it seems nice, complimentary, wistful. But if you look closer there's really some critical remarks. It's sneaky.

He doesn't criticise himself considering DW reports he did some crappy things in the marriage. He describes himself as someone who only wants to make people smile. That's a huge minimization and omission from a DH who detonated his marriage with an affair.

I don't like it.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:41     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:You must be old, no one writes letters anymore

She said he emailed it to her. #snarkfail
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:40     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can't trust myself to read the nuances of this letter. DH and I are preparing to divorce over his affair, lack of holding a job or contributing to the household, etc. What does this mean? I have to be honest, this makes me feel ....... Icky.


My Dearest Wife

Glad your day went well, you got some rest, re-situated DS into his house. Not ultimums by any sense but considering how bad you have been feeling any victory, small, large, or weird is good.

I love you. I think you are a marvelous wife, woman, and companion. I truly appreciate your feminine nature, ways. The emotional swings can be difficult, yet they add to the ying yang experience. Without the lows it is hard to appreciate fully the highs. I would not enjoy you as an emotional robot, someone who just agrees with me, kisses my a..., and acts, walks in step with my commands. I like you have your own spirit, thoughts, and act on them. You take control of your life, fulfill your needs, wants, and take pride in doing your tasks well.

You have always had others acting, or demanding your help in making their lives work. Selfishly you try your best to comply. The lines themselves state the exhaustion of such, yet you have done so for decades, most of the time receiving little to no recognition even less real thanks or praise. This was never greater than with xxxxxxx(aside DD who passed away)The only comfort, joy she had was feeling, believing in her parents' love. And she shined everyday from receiving unconditionally that love.

I don't know why people live their lives. For me I try to bring smiles, happiness, and hope that life is worth living, independent of the cards a person has. I have watched you for decades try to create environments, situations for the people close to you to experience their lives to their fullest, and to give them an opportunity to have their dreams become realities. At the same time to create a safety net so when their dreams, pursuits fail they don't slam to earth or have to see themselves in a mirror for what they truly have given in effort. Acts of love, mercy, and a nurtured realism.

DW, you are a remarkable women, wife, soul. God's peace be with you, and open your eyes to take heart in knowing you are appreciated and loved. I love you. I pray one day maybe I can bring a smile, calm to your face again....

You are special..........


This is a very manipulative letter. I've bolded the interesting points - most, although perhaps not all, of the bolded words are clearly "slams." Interesting slip: "Selfishly you try your best to comply." That's what he really feels about you - that you're selfish. He's just trying his (inarticulate) best to please you, to try to "bring a smile" to your face. I note there's no language "slamming" him.

He's a dishonest man, but your posts suggest you know that. Just keep navigating this divorce and post-divorce very carefully. Document, protect yourself. Good luck, OP.

I thought he meant to say selflessly instead of selfishly.


PP here: yes, but then he didn't. Freudian slip.


NP. I agree. Major Freudian slip.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:38     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
You must be old, no one writes letters anymore
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:38     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can't trust myself to read the nuances of this letter. DH and I are preparing to divorce over his affair, lack of holding a job or contributing to the household, etc. What does this mean? I have to be honest, this makes me feel ....... Icky.


My Dearest Wife

Glad your day went well, you got some rest, re-situated DS into his house. Not ultimums by any sense but considering how bad you have been feeling any victory, small, large, or weird is good.

I love you. I think you are a marvelous wife, woman, and companion. I truly appreciate your feminine nature, ways. The emotional swings can be difficult, yet they add to the ying yang experience. Without the lows it is hard to appreciate fully the highs. I would not enjoy you as an emotional robot, someone who just agrees with me, kisses my a..., and acts, walks in step with my commands. I like you have your own spirit, thoughts, and act on them. You take control of your life, fulfill your needs, wants, and take pride in doing your tasks well.

You have always had others acting, or demanding your help in making their lives work. Selfishly you try your best to comply. The lines themselves state the exhaustion of such, yet you have done so for decades, most of the time receiving little to no recognition even less real thanks or praise. This was never greater than with xxxxxxx(aside DD who passed away)The only comfort, joy she had was feeling, believing in her parents' love. And she shined everyday from receiving unconditionally that love.

I don't know why people live their lives. For me I try to bring smiles, happiness, and hope that life is worth living, independent of the cards a person has. I have watched you for decades try to create environments, situations for the people close to you to experience their lives to their fullest, and to give them an opportunity to have their dreams become realities. At the same time to create a safety net so when their dreams, pursuits fail they don't slam to earth or have to see themselves in a mirror for what they truly have given in effort. Acts of love, mercy, and a nurtured realism.

DW, you are a remarkable women, wife, soul. God's peace be with you, and open your eyes to take heart in knowing you are appreciated and loved. I love you. I pray one day maybe I can bring a smile, calm to your face again....

You are special..........


This is a very manipulative letter. I've bolded the interesting points - most, although perhaps not all, of the bolded words are clearly "slams." Interesting slip: "Selfishly you try your best to comply." That's what he really feels about you - that you're selfish. He's just trying his (inarticulate) best to please you, to try to "bring a smile" to your face. I note there's no language "slamming" him.

He's a dishonest man, but your posts suggest you know that. Just keep navigating this divorce and post-divorce very carefully. Document, protect yourself. Good luck, OP.

I thought he meant to say selflessly instead of selfishly.


PP here: yes, but then he didn't. Freudian slip.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:36     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:OP says: No I'm a professional woman. I just don't know what to make of it and wanted an outside view of this letter. It was sent to me in an email. I think it's, at the very least strange, vague, unsupported, and off the wall. It doesn't inspire warm fuzzies or fond memories. It's like he's trying too hard. It's not believable to me, in that I don't see sincere emotion or feelings in it. The writer seems to want to try to capture passion, which is absent. Maybe manipulative????? I don't know.

To some of the other questions:

I don't think he's suicidal.

Our daughter died of Cystic Fibrosis. It was the most painful day of being alive. I dread Mother's Day. In some ways, maybe this was meant to acknowledge that.

I do think he has a mental disorder. Seriously. I think he's on the antisocial PD spectrum, but unless you live it, no one believes you. He's got a bunch of groupies that think he walks on water.

Maybe that helps with context.





8:28 here. I posted before seeing this post of yours. It's funny how I didn't need any more info beyond the letter to know that it was written by a highly manipulative person with a serious personality disorder. When you deal with enough people like this, you start to notice how they all sound alike. My father, who has confirmed bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder with strong antisocial features, used to write letters exactly like this whenever one of his playthings--kid or wife or mistress--was in danger of leaving him. People like that do not really care about you and can't be bothered to pretend. They think you are stupid (after all, you have put up with them this long), however, so they fill a letter with enough empty platitudes and implication to let you lead yourself on and read some love into cold words, if you are desperate enough to do so.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:35     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can't trust myself to read the nuances of this letter. DH and I are preparing to divorce over his affair, lack of holding a job or contributing to the household, etc. What does this mean? I have to be honest, this makes me feel ....... Icky.


My Dearest Wife

Glad your day went well, you got some rest, re-situated DS into his house. Not ultimums by any sense but considering how bad you have been feeling any victory, small, large, or weird is good.

I love you. I think you are a marvelous wife, woman, and companion. I truly appreciate your feminine nature, ways. The emotional swings can be difficult, yet they add to the ying yang experience. Without the lows it is hard to appreciate fully the highs. I would not enjoy you as an emotional robot, someone who just agrees with me, kisses my a..., and acts, walks in step with my commands. I like you have your own spirit, thoughts, and act on them. You take control of your life, fulfill your needs, wants, and take pride in doing your tasks well.

You have always had others acting, or demanding your help in making their lives work. Selfishly you try your best to comply. The lines themselves state the exhaustion of such, yet you have done so for decades, most of the time receiving little to no recognition even less real thanks or praise. This was never greater than with xxxxxxx(aside DD who passed away)The only comfort, joy she had was feeling, believing in her parents' love. And she shined everyday from receiving unconditionally that love.

I don't know why people live their lives. For me I try to bring smiles, happiness, and hope that life is worth living, independent of the cards a person has. I have watched you for decades try to create environments, situations for the people close to you to experience their lives to their fullest, and to give them an opportunity to have their dreams become realities. At the same time to create a safety net so when their dreams, pursuits fail they don't slam to earth or have to see themselves in a mirror for what they truly have given in effort. Acts of love, mercy, and a nurtured realism.

DW, you are a remarkable women, wife, soul. God's peace be with you, and open your eyes to take heart in knowing you are appreciated and loved. I love you. I pray one day maybe I can bring a smile, calm to your face again....

You are special..........


This is a very manipulative letter. I've bolded the interesting points - most, although perhaps not all, of the bolded words are clearly "slams." Interesting slip: "Selfishly you try your best to comply." That's what he really feels about you - that you're selfish. He's just trying his (inarticulate) best to please you, to try to "bring a smile" to your face. I note there's no language "slamming" him.

He's a dishonest man, but your posts suggest you know that. Just keep navigating this divorce and post-divorce very carefully. Document, protect yourself. Good luck, OP.

I thought he meant to say selflessly instead of selfishly.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:34     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:OP says: No I'm a professional woman. I just don't know what to make of it and wanted an outside view of this letter. It was sent to me in an email. I think it's, at the very least strange, vague, unsupported, and off the wall. It doesn't inspire warm fuzzies or fond memories. It's like he's trying too hard. It's not believable to me, in that I don't see sincere emotion or feelings in it. The writer seems to want to try to capture passion, which is absent. Maybe manipulative????? I don't know.

To some of the other questions:

I don't think he's suicidal.

Our daughter died of Cystic Fibrosis. It was the most painful day of being alive. I dread Mother's Day. In some ways, maybe this was meant to acknowledge that.

I do think he has a mental disorder. Seriously. I think he's on the antisocial PD spectrum, but unless you live it, no one believes you. He's got a bunch of groupies that think he walks on water.

Maybe that helps with context.





So sorry, OP
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:33     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:I can't trust myself to read the nuances of this letter. DH and I are preparing to divorce over his affair, lack of holding a job or contributing to the household, etc. What does this mean? I have to be honest, this makes me feel ....... Icky.


My Dearest Wife

Glad your day went well, you got some rest, re-situated DS into his house. Not ultimums by any sense but considering how bad you have been feeling any victory, small, large, or weird is good.

I love you. I think you are a marvelous wife, woman, and companion. I truly appreciate your feminine nature, ways. The emotional swings can be difficult, yet they add to the ying yang experience. Without the lows it is hard to appreciate fully the highs. I would not enjoy you as an emotional robot, someone who just agrees with me, kisses my a..., and acts, walks in step with my commands. I like you have your own spirit, thoughts, and act on them. You take control of your life, fulfill your needs, wants, and take pride in doing your tasks well.

You have always had others acting, or demanding your help in making their lives work. Selfishly you try your best to comply. The lines themselves state the exhaustion of such, yet you have done so for decades, most of the time receiving little to no recognition even less real thanks or praise. This was never greater than with xxxxxxx(aside DD who passed away)The only comfort, joy she had was feeling, believing in her parents' love. And she shined everyday from receiving unconditionally that love.

I don't know why people live their lives. For me I try to bring smiles, happiness, and hope that life is worth living, independent of the cards a person has. I have watched you for decades try to create environments, situations for the people close to you to experience their lives to their fullest, and to give them an opportunity to have their dreams become realities. At the same time to create a safety net so when their dreams, pursuits fail they don't slam to earth or have to see themselves in a mirror for what they truly have given in effort. Acts of love, mercy, and a nurtured realism.

DW, you are a remarkable women, wife, soul. God's peace be with you, and open your eyes to take heart in knowing you are appreciated and loved. I love you. I pray one day maybe I can bring a smile, calm to your face again....

You are special..........


This is a very manipulative letter. I've bolded the interesting points - most, although perhaps not all, of the bolded words are clearly "slams." Interesting slip: "Selfishly you try your best to comply." That's what he really feels about you - that you're selfish. He's just trying his (inarticulate) best to please you, to try to "bring a smile" to your face. I note there's no language "slamming" him.

He's a dishonest man, but your posts suggest you know that. Just keep navigating this divorce and post-divorce very carefully. Document, protect yourself. Good luck, OP.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:29     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
It is not a suicide note. PPs who are saying that have no experience dealing with manipulators.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:28     Subject: Re:DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:That letter is odd and rambling, and at least a couple of words I don't think mean what he meant them to mean. Does he have a history of mental illness? It reminds me of something by sibling with bipolar disorder would write during one of her highs or lows.


This.

As someone who has multiple relatives with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, this is the kind of rambling, vaguely complimentary, vaguely guilt-inducing thing they would write in one of their depressive/down moments. It is a manipulation and I would advise you, from long experience, not to pay attention to it.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:27     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:Weird. I'd divorce him simply because his writing and intellect are sophmoric. what a dumb dumb.


Lol
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:25     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
Anonymous wrote:I don't mean to be morbid, but it sounds like a goodbye and "don't feel bad" letter. You don't think he'd hurt himself, do you?


I agree. Sounds like a suicide note.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2015 08:22     Subject: DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?
I think it's his way of apologizing. Kind of like a 'I didn't treat you right, but you were great and didn't deserve what I did' letter. I'd just say thanks and continue moving forward with your plans.