This was a favorite uncle of DH's. (They are close enough in age that he's been like an older brother to DH more than uncle.)

Aunt left suddenly one day and moved to her own apt after 20+ yrs of marriage. They had been pretty unhappy for some time, disagreed with a lot of parenting things, and had dug themselves into a pretty bad financial hole.

They didn't exactly tell everything, but shared enough with confidants to make their eventual reconciliation awkward. Many on DH's side of the family have been polite to her face but eye-rolly behind her back as she had never been big fans of theirs and vice versa all along anyway.

We have a closer relationship with them and care for them both but it seems obvious to us that they don't really like each other that much. I don't know why they got back together and I'm even more baffled that they continue to stay together.

But it's their life, so really all we can do is follow their lead. In your case it's harder because you're feeling so betrayed personally... I wonder how it might go if you were able to keep it more about them than about how it affects you. Not in a way that whatever happened doesn't matter, but more like letting it go enough that you can feel them out as a couple and have a chance to recalibrate.

It will probably take some time for things to feel like normal again.

Your's is a prime example of why you listen, understand, advocate, but avoid taking a stand or bad mouthing...ya never know.

I know it's hard but unless you know her side of the story you need to move past it. I believe every relationship goes through a serious struggle at some point, you just happen to witness your brothers struggle.

I also had a similar situation. I planned to divorce Dh and through a series of unfortunate events our families ended up involved. We got back together and are happier than ever years later. It was awkward with his family at first but we've grown back close again. Everyone has moved on. Just accept that marriages will not always be perfect and move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your monkeys, not your circus.

If he took her back, just pretend like it never happened. She didn't do anything to you.

NP- this recently happened to my brother. I can't over look it. She devastated her five kids, him, and then just walks back in like nothing happened.

The extended family doesn't know and thinks she is a saint. She is a compulsive liar. I cannot stomach it. I will always support my brother and nephews, but could care less if she were to fall off a cliff.

Dear "monkey, circus" poster. People post here so that they can get advice and opinions from strangers about their problems/situations, not to be told "it's none of your business." Spending your time telling people that this is not their problem and not to worry about it seems a little pointless. Follow your own advice and get off of DCUM. The rest of us need a place to vent and commune without this type of pointless advice. If
We could mind our own business, we wouldn't spend our time posting on an anonymous list serve !!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice. Going through the same thing.

I've just learned that you can't stop people from making self-destructive decisions. You can offer another perspective, but that's it. Some people are just make bad decisions, and feel self-righteous about their right to do so.

I think its pretty ridiculous to call someone's right to decide their own life "self righteous"- am I reading that wrong? How is deciding what to do in your own marriage, etc. self- righteous? Curious here, not snarky- I don't get that.

Sorry. Maybe that wasn't the right term. And I was referring to the specific situation I've seen. But it's the way some people become defensive if/when you question their returning to abusive relationships.

yeah, that makes more sense- trying to get perspective.

I am sorry OP, I know it has to be hard to watch your brother in pain or go through hard things. There might be a a different perspective on her side. There might not be and she might be an immature a-hole and it went down exactly as your bro described. But either way, if you hold the grudge and he let's go, it doesn't hurt anyone but you. It will eventually be something that becomes obvious too, and will serve to drive your brother away from you. In the end the anger doesn't hurt her, it will only hurt you. That's your motivation to let go of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice. Going through the same thing.

I've just learned that you can't stop people from making self-destructive decisions. You can offer another perspective, but that's it. Some people are just make bad decisions, and feel self-righteous about their right to do so.

I think its pretty ridiculous to call someone's right to decide their own life "self righteous"- am I reading that wrong? How is deciding what to do in your own marriage, etc. self- righteous? Curious here, not snarky- I don't get that.

Sorry. Maybe that wasn't the right term. And I was referring to the specific situation I've seen. But it's the way some people become defensive if/when you question their returning to abusive relationships.

Anonymous wrote:No advice. Going through the same thing.

I've just learned that you can't stop people from making self-destructive decisions. You can offer another perspective, but that's it. Some people are just make bad decisions, and feel self-righteous about their right to do so.

I think its pretty ridiculous to call someone's right to decide their own life "self righteous"- am I reading that wrong? How is deciding what to do in your own marriage, etc. self- righteous? Curious here, not snarky- I don't get that.

This happened to my MIL/FIL, except they actually were divorced. They remarried 9 months later and within a year, the marriage imploded for good. They went through a very bitter second divorce and spent close to six figures arguing over who got stuff like Hardees' plastic cups.

I don't know how deerstalker is a word that autocorrect knows?

That was actually "you need to understand"

OP, u deerstalker d that the perspective you have on all this is clouded by both the love you have for your brother, and the spin that a hurt person puts when sharing such intimate details of their lives. She may not have left in a "mature" way, but hurt and desperate people sometimes do things that are more self-protective (eg. Run or lash out) than they are rational.

Sometimes, desperate times call for drastic measures. Setting fire to something sometimes helps out things really into perspective. Catalyzing things sometimes make no sense, until much after.

Likewise, consider that your brothers recounting of what went on was likely not based on rational facts, but on feelings and his perceptions. This is especially true to consider as you admit he had some fault for problems in the marriage- often people try to minimize their own role when things end. It hurts less to put the blame and hurt somewhere else.

She didn't hurt you. She hurt your brother, and if he is willing to to work to get past that, it's his choice. It's his marriage, feelings, and responsibility. The work is ahead of him, not you.

DH And I went through an incredibly rough patch last year, and I'm glad we didn't let everyone know. We were able to do the work on our relationship without having to defend or explain to outside people, who have their own agendas due to their relationships with either or both of us.

Basically : butt out. Be gracious. Get over it. Time will tell.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your monkeys, not your circus.

If he took her back, just pretend like it never happened. She didn't do anything to you.

NP- this recently happened to my brother. I can't over look it. She devastated her five kids, him, and then just walks back in like nothing happened.

The extended family doesn't know and thinks she is a saint. She is a compulsive liar. I cannot stomach it. I will always support my brother and nephews, but could care less if she were to fall off a cliff.

I'm sorry that your brother didn't divorce her, and I worry about your nephews.

He is madly in love, now even more so, as if that will help to keep her happy. I do worry about my nephews, they are desperate for their mother's attention. She is a narcissist, through and through.

She sounds abusive and he sounds codependent.

It's true there's not much you can do other than just be supportive to him and his kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your monkeys, not your circus.

If he took her back, just pretend like it never happened. She didn't do anything to you.

NP- this recently happened to my brother. I can't over look it. She devastated her five kids, him, and then just walks back in like nothing happened.

The extended family doesn't know and thinks she is a saint. She is a compulsive liar. I cannot stomach it. I will always support my brother and nephews, but could care less if she were to fall off a cliff.

I'm sorry that your brother didn't divorce her, and I worry about your nephews.

He is madly in love, now even more so, as if that will help to keep her happy. I do worry about my nephews, they are desperate for their mother's attention. She is a narcissist, through and through.

Still not your monkeys, and still not your circus.

She did not do anything TO YOU. He took her back. You can support your brother - which may mean being civil to his wife that you abhor. Be supportive to your nephews. Do not bad mouth her to him. It will make the situation worse. I have family that this somewhat recently happened to. The couple split up, and the DH vented to his mom, and told her WAY too much about what happened (one sided, of course). Five years later, his mom is still bringing up his wife's shortcomings. He is now tired of his mom bad mouthing his wife whenever she gets the opening. His position is he loves her, he took her back, they are still married, so she needs to chill and stop bad mouthing his wife.

Just don't push her, ok?

Off the cliff, I meant...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your monkeys, not your circus.

If he took her back, just pretend like it never happened. She didn't do anything to you.

NP- this recently happened to my brother. I can't over look it. She devastated her five kids, him, and then just walks back in like nothing happened.

The extended family doesn't know and thinks she is a saint. She is a compulsive liar. I cannot stomach it. I will always support my brother and nephews, but could care less if she were to fall off a cliff.

I'm sorry that your brother didn't divorce her, and I worry about your nephews.

He is madly in love, now even more so, as if that will help to keep her happy. I do worry about my nephews, they are desperate for their mother's attention. She is a narcissist, through and through.

Still not your monkeys, and still not your circus.

She did not do anything TO YOU. He took her back. You can support your brother - which may mean being civil to his wife that you abhor. Be supportive to your nephews. Do not bad mouth her to him. It will make the situation worse. I have family that this somewhat recently happened to. The couple split up, and the DH vented to his mom, and told her WAY too much about what happened (one sided, of course). Five years later, his mom is still bringing up his wife's shortcomings. He is now tired of his mom bad mouthing his wife whenever she gets the opening. His position is he loves her, he took her back, they are still married, so she needs to chill and stop bad mouthing his wife.

Just don't push her, ok?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your monkeys, not your circus.

If he took her back, just pretend like it never happened. She didn't do anything to you.

NP- this recently happened to my brother. I can't over look it. She devastated her five kids, him, and then just walks back in like nothing happened.

The extended family doesn't know and thinks she is a saint. She is a compulsive liar. I cannot stomach it. I will always support my brother and nephews, but could care less if she were to fall off a cliff.

I'm sorry that your brother didn't divorce her, and I worry about your nephews.

He is madly in love, now even more so, as if that will help to keep her happy. I do worry about my nephews, they are desperate for their mother's attention. She is a narcissist, through and through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your monkeys, not your circus.

If he took her back, just pretend like it never happened. She didn't do anything to you.

NP- this recently happened to my brother. I can't over look it. She devastated her five kids, him, and then just walks back in like nothing happened.

The extended family doesn't know and thinks she is a saint. She is a compulsive liar. I cannot stomach it. I will always support my brother and nephews, but could care less if she were to fall off a cliff.

I'm sorry that your brother didn't divorce her, and I worry about your nephews.