OP here- To all those on this thread and on DCUM that have lost your moms, I'm sorry for your grief on this day too. It is hard, there are so many of us that feel that loss every year . Thank you for your kind words.

Also to those that don't have close relationships with their moms, I know you have your own type of internal struggle to deal with as well.

Positive thoughts to all of you.



I feel a lot less guilt after reading through the posts here. I needed some time to myself today, I'm glad I stopped by to visit my MIL but I'm not feeling so bad about skipping lunch and most of the day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't your family say goodbye to grandma and come home to spend time with you??? Why is it you have to drop everything to go there. This is your day to spend as you wish and no one should try to guilt you into doing something you're not up for.

I agree. It is your mother's day too, and you shouldn't have to spend it with your MIL all day every year--regardless of the other circumstances, you are a mom so you deserve some say in your mother's day plans.

+1

I wonder if you framed it as taking some or all of mother's day to honor your own mother and treasure her memory, it might all be more understandable. Do something with your kids that you liked to do with her, that kind of thing?

Anonymous wrote:Why can't your family say goodbye to grandma and come home to spend time with you??? Why is it you have to drop everything to go there. This is your day to spend as you wish and no one should try to guilt you into doing something you're not up for.

I agree. It is your mother's day too, and you shouldn't have to spend it with your MIL all day every year--regardless of the other circumstances, you are a mom so you deserve some say in your mother's day plans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering, OP, how many years ago did your mother pass away? If it was before you even met your husband it must have been quite awhile ago. I know you can't help what you feel, and you were feeling sad today, but I am glad you went over there and I do think it is possible to "rally" even when sad.

It's been 15 years. I was 20 years old. It was a sudden, unexpected death.

I know it's been a long time, I try not to let it get to me. This year has just been particularly hard in other areas of my life, I think the feelings just compounded. And having kids of my own makes me miss her even more. She always wanted grandkids, dreamed of my wedding day. I always got her the perfect sentimental card with a gift each Mother's Day and we'd have lunch together. Doing it with MIL just reminds of that.

I'm usually quite good at compartmentalizing my feelings to push through and deal with later, but was having a harder than usual time today. I appreciate the thoughts on here.

Op if it's been a rough year, any shot you might be depressed? The way you post makes it sound very possible to me. Big hugs.

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering, OP, how many years ago did your mother pass away? If it was before you even met your husband it must have been quite awhile ago. I know you can't help what you feel, and you were feeling sad today, but I am glad you went over there and I do think it is possible to "rally" even when sad.

It's been 15 years. I was 20 years old. It was a sudden, unexpected death.

I know it's been a long time, I try not to let it get to me. This year has just been particularly hard in other areas of my life, I think the feelings just compounded. And having kids of my own makes me miss her even more. She always wanted grandkids, dreamed of my wedding day. I always got her the perfect sentimental card with a gift each Mother's Day and we'd have lunch together. Doing it with MIL just reminds of that.

I'm usually quite good at compartmentalizing my feelings to push through and deal with later, but was having a harder than usual time today. I appreciate the thoughts on here.

You are not being rude. Your MIL's happiness is not more important than your own. In fact- now that your husband and children have seen and had lunch with her, they should be coming back to spend the rest of the day with you- their actual mother.

Hugs op. I lost my mom many years ago, but there's something about having kids of my own that brings up fresh grief now. No need to apologize for it. It's okay to be sad and manage the day in a way that makes sense for you. Hugs from another motherless mom.

Just wondering, OP, how many years ago did your mother pass away? If it was before you even met your husband it must have been quite awhile ago. I know you can't help what you feel, and you were feeling sad today, but I am glad you went over there and I do think it is possible to "rally" even when sad.

Not at all. I had no interaction with my MIL today and my mom hasn't died. She's DH's mother, not mine.

I don't think you're being rude. The first mother's day after losing your mom is really rough - your MIL should understand and know what's up (or your DH should relay that to her).

If you feel up to it, maybe sent a text/e-mail and tell her why you were withdrawn, felt kind of sad, but hope she had a lovely day. Or have your DH convey that.

But it's ok to take a personal "I don't wanna" day sometimes.

Feel better, OP.

OP here, thanks all. The guilt got the best of me and I went over shortly after posting. I took a fruit tart, smiled and cheerfully wished my MIL a happy mother's day. Spent some time with her and now we're all back home.

I appreciate the sentiments here, it's been a rough year and maybe I'm hormonal or something but the grief just really hit hard. I was able to keep it together all day, but I cried all the way back home. Something about watching everyone interacting and knowing that my kids and my husband never met my mom and had that same kind of bond with her as they do with MIL just cuts so deep.

I don't mind that my DH and kids spent a lot of time with MIL today. We had breakfast together as a family, are together every weekend and I'm a SAHM so have all day with my kids everyday. I'm happy that he can spend that time with her, she won't be around forever and I want him to have these memories. I just didn't want to participate in it. I'll smile and do my part every year, I just wish it wasn't so damn hard.

Happy Mother's Day everyone.

Anonymous wrote:MIL isn't OP's mother. She has no obligation to her, no more than MIL has to op who gave MIL grandchildren. MIL'S son and grandchildren are there and they are the only ones obligated to MIL. Frankly, I think it's weird they didn't come home after breakfast to spend time with op.

OP, can you go over and shortly thereafter you and your family leave to do something with just you all.

You aren't being rude. Why is DH ignoring you on Mother's Day?

MIL isn't OP's mother. She has no obligation to her, no more than MIL has to op who gave MIL grandchildren. MIL'S son and grandchildren are there and they are the only ones obligated to MIL. Frankly, I think it's weird they didn't come home after breakfast to spend time with op.