Were some posts removed?

There's a bar/bat mitvah group on Facebook that might be useful.

Anonymous wrote:It really sounds like you are celebrating materialism
Why not have an out of town party? That way you could avoid the party

Shut uuuuuuup! The OP has stated her case clearly. Move your petty soap box to Off Topic. This poster needs help, not cheap shots.

It really sounds like you are celebrating materialism
Why not have an out of town party? That way you could avoid the party

OP, the first step is to determine your budget. There is broke, and there is broke. The fact that you plan to do something means you are not completely broke (no judgment either way). So let us know your budget and we can help you figure it out. Based on your response above, you obviously want to plan something so I am going to assume you can spend a couple of thousand total.

I find that renting linens, china, etc., hiring wait staff, and having food catered is always more expensive than just going to a restaurant. So I'd start by checking the per head price of a buffet lunch at an indian restaurant, since you said that your daughter loves that food, plus it is typically relatively inexpensive. The restaurant may be glad to have a large group on a Saturday late morning/early afternoon, and even cut you a break (ask - don't assume any price is set). No alcohol, just pitchers of soda/water.

Also keep the guest list small - don't get sucked into your parents saying that cousin maury who you haven't spoken to in 20 years "needs" to be invited, and your child also should keep this to her close friends (don't worry if she's been invited to more than she invites back - that happens, don't sweat it, certainly no need to break the bank for a kid whose name yours won't remember in 2 years).

Last, DIY is your friend, and enlist the help of your close family or friends. I have helped friends/family with bat mitzvah decorations before and would be glad to do it again. Keep yours very simple - if you hold a lunch at an indian restaurant, odds are the restaurant will already have a lovely, festive look. maybe buy some glass bowls at the dollar store, put flowers of all one color in each bowl, cut low - it looks elegant, even if carnations. on the table where kids sit, don't even bother - toss some candy along the table along with silly hats and the kids will be pleased.

Music - pipe in music, incl the hora, from an ipod (possibly you can even do this over the restaurant speakers).

I think you could do a lunch buffet at an indian restaurant for 50 people, with some small decorations and using your own music, for less than $2000. Perhaps you'd even have a couple of hundred left over to use to either have bagels and coffee at your house the next morning, or to order some pizzas for out of town family that may want to come back to your house that night. What do you think?

No matter what, it will be lovely and memorable for your family.

Anonymous wrote:Here are some tips:

1. Talk to your temple and let them know your financial situation. If you really are broke, you should not be on full dues. I'm on the board of my Temple and we do not turn anyone away b/c of their financial situation and work with people to reduce dues when they are having problems such as yours due to medical bills, etc. One non-negotiable is the bar/bat mitzvah tutoring fee b/c it goes to the tutor but you should be able to work out a payment plan.

2. In terms of the party, don't feel you need to have an extravaganza to have a lovely party. One of the best parties I've been to was a smaller party given by my friend on a budget. She only invited close friends and family and it was very "haimish."

3. What does your child want? Do they want a big party with the entire grade or do they only want to invite a few close friends from school? Do you have a huge family and you need to invite everyone or a small family? That will help dictate whether you can have it at home or at a local community center (which was a great idea).

4. For food ideas, you can also do something like California Tortilla or Lebanese Taverna.

5. If your daughter has her heart set on a dj, try to find someone who does the school dances. In my area (no longer in DC), that person charges $500 (so it's probably higher in DC). But it is much cheaper than going with the DJ companies and you don't need all of the bells and whistles.

6. You don't need a party planner - there are lots of resources on the internet to help you. Same with decorating - lots of ideas to help you. My friend on a budget decorated with pictures of her son and it was adorable.

7. For a photographer, you don't need to hire one of the big companies. See if you can find someone who will just take pictures and give you the disc (or whatever it's called). Then you can order the album online.

Seems like a lot of expenditures for someone who really has limited financial resources. I think "broke" may not mean the same thing in some communities as it does to others. I'd be feeling pretty flush before I'd cater anything for a teenager from Lebanese Taverna and hire a DJ.

A slumber party sounds great! You've turned routine hospitality into an extension of the festivities!

Your son will host the group as a young man. He's not a kid anymore per the ceremony. But the slumber party is where he gets new responsibilities and the honor of playing host to his peers. Sounds lovely, family-focused, and warm.

There is no need to apologize for anything. What you may end up with sounds like an improvement on celebrations I've seen that are all surface, no depth.

Decorating, not departing, but I'd help with guest departures if need be

Not Jewish, but I do outreach for my Christian Church. Agree with PP who suggested you contact your rabbi or someone in the temple. My church charity has a fund set up specifically to help families in need with church camps, events, scholarships, daycare. Maybe your temple has such a fund that could help?

Also, would you feel comfortable asking a friend to help with decorations or party favors? Maybe she'd have some simple, but fun ideas? I helped a friend with her DD bat mitzvah and my idea was making a mini candy bar as center pieces at each table. It was a hit and so easy and inexpensive. Don't be afraid to ask. If I knew you in real life, I'd jump at the chance to help you with favors and departing and even set up and clean up.

Op here - Can people hold the judgement please? It is a religious event, and a significant one at that. The religious aspect is the main focus of our energy. But, in addition to that, we have a lot of out of town family coming and we would like to be hospitable. That also is part of the tradition. We are not looking at ice sculptures, party favors, professional dancers. Just a low key event that doesn't break the bank. So please don't jump to assumptions.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks to everyone for the suggestions. I think we are in good shape re: fees / tutoring (some family help there). Since so many people are coming from out of town, it is the social side that has me more concerned. I like the idea of a luncheon after the service, followed by a party at home for the kids (perhaps a slumber party?).

Have people ever hired the waitstaff / linens / tables / chairs, but then gotten all of the food from a local restaurant in chafing dishes. My daughter loves Indian food, and keeping it vegetarian might be a fun, reasonably priced option. Any thoughts or suggestions on that?

Yes. I did just that, bought a few extra seeing things, hired a staff of two. Party in my house. Upstairs for adults, just your standard house party with better food. Kids down stairs with two tvs and two game boxes. I hired two teens from shul to make sure things down stairs were good.

Brooks party rentals for tables. Turned out it was cheaper to buy linens. Just googled cheap wedding tablecloths or something.

For my kid, this was just right.

OP here - Thanks to everyone for the suggestions. I think we are in good shape re: fees / tutoring (some family help there). Since so many people are coming from out of town, it is the social side that has me more concerned. I like the idea of a luncheon after the service, followed by a party at home for the kids (perhaps a slumber party?).

Have people ever hired the waitstaff / linens / tables / chairs, but then gotten all of the food from a local restaurant in chafing dishes. My daughter loves Indian food, and keeping it vegetarian might be a fun, reasonably priced option. Any thoughts or suggestions on that?

Anonymous wrote:Here are some tips:

1. Talk to your temple and let them know your financial situation. If you really are broke, you should not be on full dues. I'm on the board of my Temple and we do not turn anyone away b/c of their financial situation and work with people to reduce dues when they are having problems such as yours due to medical bills, etc. One non-negotiable is the bar/bat mitzvah tutoring fee b/c it goes to the tutor but you should be able to work out a payment plan.

2. In terms of the party, don't feel you need to have an extravaganza to have a lovely party. One of the best parties I've been to was a smaller party given by my friend on a budget. She only invited close friends and family and it was very "haimish."

3. What does your child want? Do they want a big party with the entire grade or do they only want to invite a few close friends from school? Do you have a huge family and you need to invite everyone or a small family? That will help dictate whether you can have it at home or at a local community center (which was a great idea).

4. For food ideas, you can also do something like California Tortilla or Lebanese Taverna.

5. If your daughter has her heart set on a dj, try to find someone who does the school dances. In my area (no longer in DC), that person charges $500 (so it's probably higher in DC). But it is much cheaper than going with the DJ companies and you don't need all of the bells and whistles.

6. You don't need a party planner - there are lots of resources on the internet to help you. Same with decorating - lots of ideas to help you. My friend on a budget decorated with pictures of her son and it was adorable.

7. For a photographer, you don't need to hire one of the big companies. See if you can find someone who will just take pictures and give you the disc (or whatever it's called). Then you can order the album online.

I'd nix the DJ entirely and build a playlist on your iPhone. Plug and play. With your budget, you can plan it on your own. You have the time to secure things step by step and put more thought into what *you* really want without having ideas pushed on you by a planner. Finding childhood and bat/bar mitzvah photos from family members would be amazing! The guests will have fun looking around and find old family photos. Again, time is on your side for this kind of planning. We had a slideshow display that told the story of our relationship at our next day brunch following our small wedding. People enjoyed it. We were also very lucky to find a family friend who gifted us her services as a photog. It made taking pictures more fun because she'd known me for so many years, since I was about 11 yo. I also had a list of very specific shots I wanted, basically 12 must haves, which were very easy to get so I didn't have to worry about how'd they'd come out or overburdening the photog who'd donated her time. I got all of our refreshments at World Market. Fun italian fizzies, interesting South African punch, etc. It was fun introducing people to new things. And, I really don't think it read as less-than. It was a reflection of our personal tastes and values.

Anonymous wrote:The title pretty much says it all. We have extremely limited resources and are planning a bat mitzvah about 18 months from now. Ideas or suggestions to keep costs down?

Make it a personal choice. A small budget calls for imagination and can be a lot more stand-out and fun than the same-ole, same-ole opulence.

I admit to having a Pinterest addiction, and had a similar issue with the NYT wedding section before I was married. Please consider that you're just aiming for something special, you are not falling short due to budget constraints. I had a cake and champagne wedding and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Think out of the box. Bring the ceremony back to its truest meaning. Talk to your rabbi about older, more traditional bat mitzvah celebrations.

Change your mindset. Please. I want you to have fond, loving memories. Anxiety wrecks everything!

Here are some tips:

1. Talk to your temple and let them know your financial situation. If you really are broke, you should not be on full dues. I'm on the board of my Temple and we do not turn anyone away b/c of their financial situation and work with people to reduce dues when they are having problems such as yours due to medical bills, etc. One non-negotiable is the bar/bat mitzvah tutoring fee b/c it goes to the tutor but you should be able to work out a payment plan.

2. In terms of the party, don't feel you need to have an extravaganza to have a lovely party. One of the best parties I've been to was a smaller party given by my friend on a budget. She only invited close friends and family and it was very "haimish."

3. What does your child want? Do they want a big party with the entire grade or do they only want to invite a few close friends from school? Do you have a huge family and you need to invite everyone or a small family? That will help dictate whether you can have it at home or at a local community center (which was a great idea).

4. For food ideas, you can also do something like California Tortilla or Lebanese Taverna.

5. If your daughter has her heart set on a dj, try to find someone who does the school dances. In my area (no longer in DC), that person charges $500 (so it's probably higher in DC). But it is much cheaper than going with the DJ companies and you don't need all of the bells and whistles.

6. You don't need a party planner - there are lots of resources on the internet to help you. Same with decorating - lots of ideas to help you. My friend on a budget decorated with pictures of her son and it was adorable.

7. For a photographer, you don't need to hire one of the big companies. See if you can find someone who will just take pictures and give you the disc (or whatever it's called). Then you can order the album online.