I struggled with this for three years when I lived temporarily in a different city. I couldn't understand why noone wanted to be friends with me - we were all in the same boat, part of the same community, all living there temporarily etc. We were all SAHMs, all had small children, were all at one time professionals. I couldn't figure out why, in spite of my efforts to reach out to them, they would never reach back.

After about two years I finally let it go - it was too stressful and painful to worry about why I was being excluded all the time. I finally learned to just be happy with my small circle of friends, women I'd met who clearly wanted to be friend with me too, and I stopped worrying about this other group.

Life is too short!

I actually felt like you. I moved to a new area and tried to make some friends but didn't feel like it was getting anywhere. I talked to my husband and then realized that while it is good to be friendly with your neighbors i.e. hello how are you when out for a walk, it might not be great to be sooooo close with your neighbors because when something happens..and it always does..you are in the middle of Peyton place. I then started reaching out beyond my neighborhood (live in Mclean) and started to meet some people at kids classes, Clemijontri Park, Starbucks etc and now feel great. I also realized that sometimes you can think someone is snobby and they really are just shy. Case in point-there was a lady at one class that I was in that I thought seems very cold until oneday I made a point of saying hi and asking about her weekend--she literally starting babbling about all kinds of things and I realized that she was shy and just happy someone started to talk to her..we are now friends.

Keep trying!

Edgy people get on my nerves. I'm happily geeky.

Anonymous wrote:We live in the burbs and there are a group of people who live on the cul de sac who actually believe they are cooler than those of us who don't. For a minute I found myself feeling left out and then thought a bit more about it. Really, the cul de sac in some random part of Montgomery County? Cool?Come On- if you want to snub me, at least be urban, cultured and edgy...

Ouch! Why would you accept being snubbed just because someone is urban, cultured and edgy?

OP, I am also new to my neighborhood and am having trouble making friends, but I walk a lot and am slowly meeting people. It's not easy, so I can commiserate.

I would suggest getting involved in group that interests you personally such as a book club, writing group, or a sport. Perhaps you could organize something like this on your neighborhood listserv. One new person in my neighborhood made lots of friends by volunteering on the community association -- she helped people set up eco-friendly gardens in their yards. I'm doing some volunteering myself.

What can you give to others? What activities would give you pleasure? Put the unfriendly women aside--whether they are snobby or simply just busy--it's no matter to you.

OP, my neighborhood in Vienna has a bunch of women like the ones you are describing. My DH says that he can never figure out who is who, since they all look the same I got the cold sholder several times and decided that they were definitely not worth my time and mental energy. In my case, the group consists of three SAHMS, while I work full time (by choice).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people's lives are "full" already, if you know what I mean. They have dinner with one another because they are already friends but maybe they don't have time for more people in their lives. I meet nice people with whom I might enjoy a friendship on occasion but I just don't have time to add more people to my day. It's not a rejection. Try to think of it this way.

I agree with this and feel the same way - I consider myself a very social person and very outgoing and will talk to anyone in the neighborhood, park, mall, etc - but it takes a lot for me to actually take the time to make quality time for any of these ppl. I tend to stick to ppl that I already really know and am comfortable with since I am mentally too exhausted to take it further than small talk. I never considered it being "mean" it is just with 2 young kids it is all about comfort level until I get my groove back.

I used to live in DC and had the same attitude as both of you. I had a lot of friends and my life was full. Then we moved somewhere new and I found, again, that many people/moms seem to have the same attitude. As a result, it's been hard to make friends and some days I still feel lonely and miss DC even though I live in a fabulous city now. From this experience I've learned that sometimes it's good to put yourself in someone else's shoes and maybe try and make a little extra room and reach out (and reach back if they reach out to you). Especially in a situation where someone else doesn't know many people or is new to a situation or area. I bet they'd really be thankful.

One great friend is so much better than a handful of crappy "friends."

OP I think you're building this up a little too much, and I only say that b/c I've done the same. Our neighborhood felt a little hard to break into, seemed like there were groups I was excluded from. But honestly, now that's we've been there a few years and I've made more of an effort to know people, most are pretty nice. People are pretty caught up in their own lives and maybe don't take the time to seek out the new kid. I don't think it's b/c they're inherently mean. You just have to make the effort (as my DH likes to remind me).

Anonymous wrote:We live in the burbs and there are a group of people who live on the cul de sac who actually believe they are cooler than those of us who don't. For a minute I found myself feeling left out and then thought a bit more about it. Really, the cul de sac in some random part of Montgomery County? Cool?Come On- if you want to snub me, at least be urban, cultured and edgy...

Huh, I'm curious about this. This sounds just like my neighborhood!

I would have my feelings hurt in this situation if these were women with whom I used to be close and they were now excluding me, or if they were affirmatively ignoring me or being mean to my face, but I wouldn't take it personally just because we don't all hang out.

Blow them off. They sound juvenile and high schoolish. Create other social contact points and circles. Does your DC participate in extracurricular activities? Soccer, dance, swimming?

OP, the fact that you are going to have a panic attack to see these women leads me to believe that you are TOO invested in THEM and not enough in yourself. This sounds NOT like a mean mom issue, but a self-esteem issue. For sure, there are unkind people everywhere and moms can be especially rude, but panic attacks? You do not need these women, but you are certainly telling yourself you do!

The answer to this issue is NOT to focus on them, but to focus on yourself. Build your own self-esteem, worry less about them. When you are truly confident, these will be a non-issue for you.

We live in the burbs and there are a group of people who live on the cul de sac who actually believe they are cooler than those of us who don't. For a minute I found myself feeling left out and then thought a bit more about it. Really, the cul de sac in some random part of Montgomery County? Cool?Come On- if you want to snub me, at least be urban, cultured and edgy...

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people's lives are "full" already, if you know what I mean. They have dinner with one another because they are already friends but maybe they don't have time for more people in their lives. I meet nice people with whom I might enjoy a friendship on occasion but I just don't have time to add more people to my day. It's not a rejection. Try to think of it this way.

I agree with this and feel the same way - I consider myself a very social person and very outgoing and will talk to anyone in the neighborhood, park, mall, etc - but it takes a lot for me to actually take the time to make quality time for any of these ppl. I tend to stick to ppl that I already really know and am comfortable with since I am mentally too exhausted to take it further than small talk. I never considered it being "mean" it is just with 2 young kids it is all about comfort level until I get my groove back.