Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think the DIL/MIL drama is just two women trying to over exert that they are more important than the other. I see this with my mom and my brother's wife. Both seem to get upset over the silliest of stuff. My SIL seems to be threatened by mom and overblows a lot of stuff. And my mom finds every little reason to criticize my SIL. When I read these MIL posts here I take them with a grain of salt, because we are only getting one side of the story. Very likely some of the DILs here contribute to the drama.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I just accept that we are two very different people and that is okay.

The mil and/or fil shouldn't be trying to exert that she/he is more important than their child's spouse. They aren't. If this is the dynamic, they are refusing to let the adult child grow up and fly.

Parents have to accept that their children will grow up and focus on their own families. If the ils refuse to accept that their adult children are grown up peers with new priorities, there are going to be problems. I think that we now have generations of parents who have been over-involved with their children and fail at this transition.

I agree. On the flip side, I think there is a trend for some younger parents to expect their parents to be very involved in their grandchildren's lives, and to be offended if the grandparents aren't ready round the clock to drop everything and be engaged about Stella and Grayson.

There is a big difference between what you describe, and a MIL who lives five minutes away but sees her grandchildren a couple times per year. Not only that, if it is a constant p*ssing contest with DHs new woman in his life - guess what? MIL is going to lose.

Is it so much to expect MIL to be older, wiser - and more gracious? To know better? A grown woman who has been around so much longer should know better than to have a chip on her shoulder about the DIL. Let it go, MIL - your issues existed LOOOOOONG before DIL was even born.

Oh I know. A man's wife should take priority over his mother once he's married. I was expanding on the idea that the couple should be treated as adults, and in turn they shouldn't turn around and treat the grandparents like they're hired help or as obsessed with the grandchildren as they are.

I plan to not to attempt to live vicariously through my children and thus only value them when they are doing something that I perceive as impressive to others. Instead, I plan to take a genuine interest in whatever my children decide to pursue, whether it makes for "perfect" Christmas letters (gag me) or not. A sign you are far too invested in your adult children- you send a Christmas letter to hundreds of people, most of whom have never met your children, and it is nothing but a gigantic brag about how fantasic the lives of your children are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think the DIL/MIL drama is just two women trying to over exert that they are more important than the other. I see this with my mom and my brother's wife. Both seem to get upset over the silliest of stuff. My SIL seems to be threatened by mom and overblows a lot of stuff. And my mom finds every little reason to criticize my SIL. When I read these MIL posts here I take them with a grain of salt, because we are only getting one side of the story. Very likely some of the DILs here contribute to the drama.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I just accept that we are two very different people and that is okay.

The mil and/or fil shouldn't be trying to exert that she/he is more important than their child's spouse. They aren't. If this is the dynamic, they are refusing to let the adult child grow up and fly.

Parents have to accept that their children will grow up and focus on their own families. If the ils refuse to accept that their adult children are grown up peers with new priorities, there are going to be problems. I think that we now have generations of parents who have been over-involved with their children and fail at this transition.

I agree. On the flip side, I think there is a trend for some younger parents to expect their parents to be very involved in their grandchildren's lives, and to be offended if the grandparents aren't ready round the clock to drop everything and be engaged about Stella and Grayson.

There is a big difference between what you describe, and a MIL who lives five minutes away but sees her grandchildren a couple times per year. Not only that, if it is a constant p*ssing contest with DHs new woman in his life - guess what? MIL is going to lose.

Is it so much to expect MIL to be older, wiser - and more gracious? To know better? A grown woman who has been around so much longer should know better than to have a chip on her shoulder about the DIL. Let it go, MIL - your issues existed LOOOOOONG before DIL was even born.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think the DIL/MIL drama is just two women trying to over exert that they are more important than the other. I see this with my mom and my brother's wife. Both seem to get upset over the silliest of stuff. My SIL seems to be threatened by mom and overblows a lot of stuff. And my mom finds every little reason to criticize my SIL. When I read these MIL posts here I take them with a grain of salt, because we are only getting one side of the story. Very likely some of the DILs here contribute to the drama.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I just accept that we are two very different people and that is okay.

The mil and/or fil shouldn't be trying to exert that she/he is more important than their child's spouse. They aren't. If this is the dynamic, they are refusing to let the adult child grow up and fly.

Parents have to accept that their children will grow up and focus on their own families. If the ils refuse to accept that their adult children are grown up peers with new priorities, there are going to be problems. I think that we now have generations of parents who have been over-involved with their children and fail at this transition.

I agree. On the flip side, I think there is a trend for some younger parents to expect their parents to be very involved in their grandchildren's lives, and to be offended if the grandparents aren't ready round the clock to drop everything and be engaged about Stella and Grayson.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think the DIL/MIL drama is just two women trying to over exert that they are more important than the other. I see this with my mom and my brother's wife. Both seem to get upset over the silliest of stuff. My SIL seems to be threatened by mom and overblows a lot of stuff. And my mom finds every little reason to criticize my SIL. When I read these MIL posts here I take them with a grain of salt, because we are only getting one side of the story. Very likely some of the DILs here contribute to the drama.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I just accept that we are two very different people and that is okay.

The mil and/or fil shouldn't be trying to exert that she/he is more important than their child's spouse. They aren't. If this is the dynamic, they are refusing to let the adult child grow up and fly.

Parents have to accept that their children will grow up and focus on their own families. If the ils refuse to accept that their adult children are grown up peers with new priorities, there are going to be problems. I think that we now have generations of parents who have been over-involved with their children and fail at this transition.

My MIL is all about the drama. She hangs out with other widows who are constantly looking to fault their young, beautiful, sweet DILs. I have seen it first hand, its not pretty.

My favorite is MILs friends, who attend our families events, and insist I'm really not so bad. LOLZ. MIL *hates* that. I wouldn't be surprised if evil MIL disassociates from anyone who has a kind word about me.

She knows as well as anyone that I never did anything to her. MIL hates me because I am opposite her. The exact reason DH married me. *Boy* does that irritate MIL!

Really, I have to laugh, because after all these years, its as predictable as when she first started her BS. I wouldn't hold my breath for that woman if she was the last person on earth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does it feel to know that one day you, too, will be reviled for just wanting to spend time with your adult children and get to know your grandchildren? If that's not your "plan", then please tell me how you intend to avoid being avoided and gossiped about by your own children and their spouses?

Not acting like an overbearing psycho is a good first step.

Oh, okay. So none of you play even the tiniest part in all this relationship dysfunction? You're not at all accountable? And yet you complain about how un self-aware your mothers and MILs are? Good luck with that as you grow older and become the reviled crone.

It's certainly possible that the effects of menopause/aging have an unpleasant effect on some women's personalities. Frankly, though, I think that a generation ago, narcissistic people didn't opt out of parenting the way they do today. It means that some of today's adults grew up with real lemons for parents.

This! Totally agree

+1

Well said. My MIL shows what kind of parent she was, every time she disrespects me. She underestimates everyone but her own daughters, and jumps for her sons in law, to her detriment. DH and I both get justifiably offended, because we have feelings too. It is not that hard to figure out. If you do not have favoritism in your or DHs family, be grateful.

Anonymous wrote:I plan to be emotionally healthy, and respectful of my kids, their spouses, their kids and their family life. I think we'll be fine.

/\
.l
.l
What they said!

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of DILs here love to create drama, love being the drama. Most of the time the stories read like some fake stuff you see on tv and then they try to incorporate it into real life.

A little mutual respect, a little bit of manners, some space and it doesn't have to be a world war push and pull all of the time.

See I was going to say this about MILs, and why so many DILs avoid them.

Anonymous wrote:I would imagine that there are a lot of people out there who, like me, have good relationships with their mother and mother-in-law in which all parties are respectful of boundaries and each others' feelings. However, that does not make for an interesting post. So yeah, I plan to continue being a normal person.

True. Real life just ain't that exciting!

Anonymous wrote:I plan to be emotionally healthy, and respectful of my kids, their spouses, their kids and their family life. I think we'll be fine.

+1

Yup. It really is easy. Don't make it complicated, and everyone will be happy. If DIL has a wedding, funeral, birth, whatever - remember, it's NOT all about you, it's about whomever's day it actually is. (Hint: NOT the MIL).

Be warm, welcoming, positive, OPEN, honest, kind, supportive and inclusive - in your ACTIONS, not your words. Words mean nothing if you are a complete witch and a complete hypocrite. Be willing to be helpful, not hateful. Easy.

Don't be bitter, because if your life sucked, it has nothing to do with the DIL. DIL WILL stay away from you if she senses your bitterness.

Be respectful, and you will get respect in return. Be willing to defend your DIL, if needed.

Your DIL is not a professional therapist. MIL, get the help you need. MIL: DIL does NOT understand and is not able to treat your depression. Get help.

OP, if you do not have a crazy (truly), most unfun (is that a word?), depressed MIL - be grateful.

I think a lot of DILs here love to create drama, love being the drama. Most of the time the stories read like some fake stuff you see on tv and then they try to incorporate it into real life.

A little mutual respect, a little bit of manners, some space and it doesn't have to be a world war push and pull all of the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does it feel to know that one day you, too, will be reviled for just wanting to spend time with your adult children and get to know your grandchildren? If that's not your "plan", then please tell me how you intend to avoid being avoided and gossiped about by your own children and their spouses?

Not acting like an overbearing psycho is a good first step.

Oh, okay. So none of you play even the tiniest part in all this relationship dysfunction? You're not at all accountable? And yet you complain about how un self-aware your mothers and MILs are? Good luck with that as you grow older and become the reviled crone.

It's certainly possible that the effects of menopause/aging have an unpleasant effect on some women's personalities. Frankly, though, I think that a generation ago, narcissistic people didn't opt out of parenting the way they do today. It means that some of today's adults grew up with real lemons for parents.

This! Totally agree

I would imagine that there are a lot of people out there who, like me, have good relationships with their mother and mother-in-law in which all parties are respectful of boundaries and each others' feelings. However, that does not make for an interesting post. So yeah, I plan to continue being a normal person.

Honestly I think the DIL/MIL drama is just two women trying to over exert that they are more important than the other. I see this with my mom and my brother's wife. Both seem to get upset over the silliest of stuff. My SIL seems to be threatened by mom and overblows a lot of stuff. And my mom finds every little reason to criticize my SIL. When I read these MIL posts here I take them with a grain of salt, because we are only getting one side of the story. Very likely some of the DILs here contribute to the drama.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I just accept that we are two very different people and that is okay.