Widowed. At 30.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how people are responding to this question when the OP did not address them. Totally missed the point of the thread. No one goes into a marriage thinking of it as a starter marriage. Only looking back do you have any insight.

I guess I don’t agree with you here.
Too many people enter marriage thinking that if things don’t work out, there is always divorce.
That is a horrible mindset.
Perhaps if people went into marriage truly believing it is “forever,” they would think a little more about the very important decision they are making.

I agree.

Anonymous wrote:"Random" is a good word. I think a lot of what makes a marriage work, or not, has a lot of randomness to it - kids, no kids, stressful events, lucky breaks, good or bad health. If you stick around for the long haul, it can change in ways you never expected and have little control over.

And I'm a couples therapist FWIW.

It's encouraging to hear that commitment itself can be ultimately beneficial. (I needed to hear that.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you go in with the idea of a "starter" marriage, then it's already over before it began.

This.

I doubt anyone goes in with this idea. The term "starter marriage" is usually applied after the fact. Basically, people realize after a few years of marriage it is just not working out. Now, if they have a kid, then I don't think you can apply the term.

I am fascinated by people who get divorced within a year or two. Were there doubts from the beginning? Did you just want to be married? I cannot imagine going into it without being 150% sure.

Anonymous wrote:I think both spouses need a certain basic level of competence at life, good will, and trust in the other spouse's competence and good will. When one of those things goes away or never existed, the marriage will probably end.

Nicely put.

I think both spouses need a certain basic level of competence at life, good will, and trust in the other spouse's competence and good will. When one of those things goes away or never existed, the marriage will probably end.

Anonymous wrote:I love how people are responding to this question when the OP did not address them. Totally missed the point of the thread. No one goes into a marriage thinking of it as a starter marriage. Only looking back do you have any insight.

Agree. My first marriage can be thought of as a starter marriage. We were married for 4 years. During that time, he said the right things but the actions never followed. When we were dating and engaged, I made it clear that I wanted multiple children. He said "someday". Well someday kept being pushed into the future. It took me a long time to realize that "someday" for him was his way of saying "no". Once I figured that out, I flat out asked him and told him that was a deal breaker for the marriage. I added that if it did not mean no, I was willing to stay but I needed some sort of definitive timeline to start trying. He admitted that he really didn't want children and didn't want his life to change from what he had. That was the end for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how people are responding to this question when the OP did not address them. Totally missed the point of the thread. No one goes into a marriage thinking of it as a starter marriage. Only looking back do you have any insight.

I guess I don’t agree with you here.
Too many people enter marriage thinking that if things don’t work out, there is always divorce.
That is a horrible mindset.
Perhaps if people went into marriage truly believing it is “forever,” they would think a little more about the very important decision they are making.

Cool. Go start your own thread.

Anonymous wrote:I love how people are responding to this question when the OP did not address them. Totally missed the point of the thread. No one goes into a marriage thinking of it as a starter marriage. Only looking back do you have any insight.

I guess I don’t agree with you here.
Too many people enter marriage thinking that if things don’t work out, there is always divorce.
That is a horrible mindset.
Perhaps if people went into marriage truly believing it is “forever,” they would think a little more about the very important decision they are making.

I love how people are responding to this question when the OP did not address them. Totally missed the point of the thread. No one goes into a marriage thinking of it as a starter marriage. Only looking back do you have any insight.

Anonymous wrote:If you go in with the idea of a "starter" marriage, then it's already over before it began.

This.

^^ One more observation - our marriage is not always lollipops and roses. We still work at it. Does my spouse get on my nerves sometimes? Hell, yes. And, I am know I get on my spouses nerves now and again. We are not perfect, thank goodness. That is what makes life fun. And, learn to laugh at your mistakes and your spouse’s mistakes. I am a very firm believer that marriage would be pretty damn boring without humor and laughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raised to believe that marriage is for life. So, the term “starter marriage” is silly to me. My “starter marriage” has been going strong for 35 years. Hopefully, for many more. Our two kids are very happy about the fact that their parents have remained married, despite the tough times.
Hopefully, my two kids will have the same perseverance in their marriages.

Congrats. I'm wondering what major hurdles you and your spouse overcame. Money issues, cheating? I'm in a rut right now and not sure this is going to be for life.

Money issues? Definitely. I’m a saver, my spouse - a spender. Some years were very very lean. Made do with the basics - food, mortgage, child care, etc. Rarely ate out and date nights were spent at home. Many fights about spending/saving. Struggled a lot - but now things are good.
Had two great kids - but even great kids can present big problems. Worked through that too. Spent some time seeking assistance from our church minister. That helped. No judging - just advice. Kids are now on their own and life is good for both of them.
No cheating. Really - none. We both took our marriage vows very seriously. That is one thing that has helped - we were both on the same page when it comes to “til death do us part.” And, “love and cherish in sickness and in health.”
Seems as if when life was particularly hard for one of us (death of parents), the other stepped up to the plate and took on more “family responsibility.” Marriage truly is a partnership.
The “passion” in marriage frequently dies. But, when it does, the “love” part should take hold strongly.
Remember what it was about your partner that drew you to him/her. Don’t focus on the flaws - Lord knows we all have them.

Anonymous wrote:I was raised to believe that marriage is for life. So, the term “starter marriage” is silly to me. My “starter marriage” has been going strong for 35 years. Hopefully, for many more. Our two kids are very happy about the fact that their parents have remained married, despite the tough times.
Hopefully, my two kids will have the same perseverance in their marriages.

Congrats. I'm wondering what major hurdles you and your spouse overcame. Money issues, cheating? I'm in a rut right now and not sure this is going to be for life.

Anonymous wrote:"Random" is a good word. I think a lot of what makes a marriage work, or not, has a lot of randomness to it - kids, no kids, stressful events, lucky breaks, good or bad health. If you stick around for the long haul, it can change in ways you never expected and have little control over.

And I'm a couples therapist FWIW.

This has been somewhat my experience bit perhaps with a different slant. I am a DH and frankly my first year of marriage was awful. Thought we would honeymoon; little to no sex, meddling MIL. I thought about divorce that first year and I was probably too young or not strong enough to face the hard decision.
At around seven years in, no kids, no success getting pregnant,thinks good but not great. Same issues; thought about divorce but then wife got pregnant.
Kids make everything so hard. Part of the reason I didn't divorce early is that I didn't want to hurt DW. I also didn't want to be the one responsible for her not having children in this life.
Well, when times got tough in subsequent years, there wasn't enough of a foundation of love. And frankly I didn't like what I learned about DW during hard times.

we are still together as financially very difficult to separate. We have not been intimate in about five years and our marriage is full of resentment.

While this may not be on point to your question, if you have doubts address them early. And dont have kids or unprotected sex until they are resolved. My DW is not a bad person, but perhaps not the best fit for my life partner. And while I am sure I have changed, she really changed over the years - grew up poor. Once we had some money and met people with money she changed.

listen to that little voice. I should have; and don't worry what people will think - you don't owe anyone an explanation. And if they judge you well then they shouldn't be in your life.