Anonymous
04/23/2015 15:07
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Cheating isn't an average marriage. That's instant divorce for anyone normal.
About 50% of people in a monogamous relationship cheat at one point, either emotional or physical infidelity. There are MANY people for whom infidelity is not a deal breaker. It's not ideal for most people, but in some cases infidelity may even make a marriage stronger. Some couples even agree on a contingency plan ahead of time as a part of their vows! Shocker! Not everyone or every couple is the same. Humans are actually biologically meant to be polyamorous, so therefore staying monogamous is actually quite the accomplishment.
I love how people throw around statistics on this board as end all be all with no source or anything!
Anonymous
04/23/2015 15:06
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:Cheating isn't an average marriage. That's instant divorce for anyone normal.
About 50% of people in a monogamous relationship cheat at one point, either emotional or physical infidelity. There are MANY people for whom infidelity is not a deal breaker. It's not ideal for most people, but in some cases infidelity may even make a marriage stronger. Some couples even agree on a contingency plan ahead of time as a part of their vows! Shocker! Not everyone or every couple is the same. Humans are actually biologically meant to be polyamorous, so therefore staying monogamous is actually quite the accomplishment.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 15:05
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
To the two PP THANK YOU!! That's why I said whatever makes you feel better about cheating. Just because it is YOUR NORMAL, doesn't mean it's normal for everyone, or that just because people don't cheat they've never faced adversity in their marriage.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 14:51
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Cheating isn't an average marriage. That's instant divorce for anyone normal.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 14:50
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:I love it when people feel superior because they worked through cheating, as if it is a badge of honor.
And then launch into the "everybody does it, it's very common" spiel.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 14:49
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
I was with you until the almost casual infidelity comment.
That is a complete different level of a marriage issue than waning sex, fatigue, money issues and the average problems all marriages have, which seems to be your larger point.
Having an affair, and all the secrecy and betrayal that entails, is not part of the "I wish he took out the garbage more" umbrella.
I'm not knocking you for working through it and staying, obviously that is personal and more complicated than a few paragraphs on here, but implying that is a natural part of marriage?
No.
That is a complete different level of a marriage issue than waning sex, fatigue, money issues and the average problems all marriages have, which seems to be your larger point.
Having an affair, and all the secrecy and betrayal that entails, is not part of the "I wish he took out the garbage more" umbrella.
I'm not knocking you for working through it and staying, obviously that is personal and more complicated than a few paragraphs on here, but implying that is a natural part of marriage?
No.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 14:44
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
I love it when people feel superior because they worked through cheating, as if it is a badge of honor.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 14:40
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together 12 years. In that we've experienced finding each other. A business failure, infidelity, relocation, aging parents, promotions, celebrations, and life. We are very content, have worked through differences, overcome adversity, and don't resent / hate each other. I unfairly do most of the housework, work more "work" hours than him, he makes way more money so there is a financial (not work) imbalance, so ends up supporting the bank accounts more. Somehow, against all odds it seems, None of this is a source of contention with us.
We have sex in the same flowing fashion: sometimes like hungry bunnies, so,entires we miss weeks at a time. Not for lack of anything other than time and sleep. Neither of us is put off, upset, resentful about attention for the other.
We work together, compromise, disagree sometimes. I'm not overly find of his parents, but bring a pie and a smile when we visit. I wish he'd take out the garbage more, or do the dishes. He wishes I didn't take everything personally and would actually ask for help more often.
Mostly at night, we curl into each other and sleep knowing we are a team. There has been some bad, but lots and lots of good through the years, and we don't compete with each other.
Anyone else in the throes of a totally average relationship?
This is what I want, so badly. If I had this, I would be in my dream marriage.
Yes... you want to curl up to someone who screwed another person while married to you. No thank you!
Well, good thing for you that you've never had any adversity in your life.
Is it mush better to lay beside someone facing the other way, internally seething about the love you once / could have had? Staying in a relationship because of the money?
DHs and DWs are not mythical creatures above all humanity. It sucks sometimes, but the moment you wake up that' you have always been perfect and above reproach is the day you can judge them. The problem is so many people think they are perfect, while doing quiet damage of their own, to the person they are supposed to love, and to the relationship they are supposed to honor.
So many folks are very smug about not cheating, not doing XYZ, all the while missing the point about nurturing their relationship. When it happens to you, infidelity isn't always what you think. It's not even all about screwing, and even if it seems that it is, it's not. Again, it's hardly the worst thing that can happen to your relationship.
I am the pp...you responded to another poster in your rant. Its great you overcame that, but I am saying at the end of the day I would not value cuddling a cheater...in whatever form. Its not something to model or strive to have. Sorry but true.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 14:33
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:
It doesn't make me "feel better", but the reality is it can be over come. It did take counseling and a lot of time. We lived separate lives in the same house while working through it. And this to me is normal and average. Life is not always the puppies, rainbows, and bubbles that everyone wishes it was. Sometimes it's muddy gloves and dirt. And it's okay. It hurts like hell, but it's not worth throwing everything away for. This is my point: we are not special, and we over came it. And we curl up happy now because we overcame it. It has a lot to do with vows, with a commitment above all else.
Is it better to throw everything away because one person made a mistake? So many folks on here are either secretly cheating, or emotionally cheating by being hateful, passive aggressive, or resentful. To me, neither party in these examples can take the high road. Everyone can pick their poison, it doesn't make it more right if you step out emotionally or physically. People who would never cheat do their own damage by withdrawing, being angry, etc. etc. and hen qualify themselves that "at least they didn't". Really? What's the difference? A marriage is about two people. And if you hurt the other, no mater, you have to do the work to get it together.
You have many solid points and make a lot of sense and I exhort you to ignore the sanctimonious rantings of that person. The fact is that we all have our failures, personally and in relationships, each provides us an opportunity for growth.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 14:26
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together 12 years. In that we've experienced finding each other. A business failure, infidelity, relocation, aging parents, promotions, celebrations, and life. We are very content, have worked through differences, overcome adversity, and don't resent / hate each other. I unfairly do most of the housework, work more "work" hours than him, he makes way more money so there is a financial (not work) imbalance, so ends up supporting the bank accounts more. Somehow, against all odds it seems, None of this is a source of contention with us.
We have sex in the same flowing fashion: sometimes like hungry bunnies, so,entires we miss weeks at a time. Not for lack of anything other than time and sleep. Neither of us is put off, upset, resentful about attention for the other.
We work together, compromise, disagree sometimes. I'm not overly find of his parents, but bring a pie and a smile when we visit. I wish he'd take out the garbage more, or do the dishes. He wishes I didn't take everything personally and would actually ask for help more often.
Mostly at night, we curl into each other and sleep knowing we are a team. There has been some bad, but lots and lots of good through the years, and we don't compete with each other.
Anyone else in the throes of a totally average relationship?
This is what I want, so badly. If I had this, I would be in my dream marriage.
Yes... you want to curl up to someone who screwed another person while married to you. No thank you!
Well, good thing for you that you've never had any adversity in your life.
Is it mush better to lay beside someone facing the other way, internally seething about the love you once / could have had? Staying in a relationship because of the money?
DHs and DWs are not mythical creatures above all humanity. It sucks sometimes, but the moment you wake up that' you have always been perfect and above reproach is the day you can judge them. The problem is so many people think they are perfect, while doing quiet damage of their own, to the person they are supposed to love, and to the relationship they are supposed to honor.
So many folks are very smug about not cheating, not doing XYZ, all the while missing the point about nurturing their relationship. When it happens to you, infidelity isn't always what you think. It's not even all about screwing, and even if it seems that it is, it's not. Again, it's hardly the worst thing that can happen to your relationship.
Whatever makes you feel better about cheating! Some of is actually give a damn about our vows, and instead of sleeping around and curling up later we hash it out, get counseling, and then get on with our lives. You don't have to cheat to have a good marriage, but carry on!
It doesn't make me "feel better", but the reality is it can be over come. It did take counseling and a lot of time. We lived separate lives in the same house while working through it. And this to me is normal and average. Life is not always the puppies, rainbows, and bubbles that everyone wishes it was. Sometimes it's muddy gloves and dirt. And it's okay. It hurts like hell, but it's not worth throwing everything away for. This is my point: we are not special, and we over came it. And we curl up happy now because we overcame it. It has a lot to do with vows, with a commitment above all else.
Is it better to throw everything away because one person made a mistake? So many folks on here are either secretly cheating, or emotionally cheating by being hateful, passive aggressive, or resentful. To me, neither party in these examples can take the high road. Everyone can pick their poison, it doesn't make it more right if you step out emotionally or physically. People who would never cheat do their own damage by withdrawing, being angry, etc. etc. and hen qualify themselves that "at least they didn't". Really? What's the difference? A marriage is about two people. And if you hurt the other, no mater, you have to do the work to get it together.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 14:22
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:
Whatever makes you feel better about cheating! Some of is actually give a damn about our vows, and instead of sleeping around and curling up later we hash it out, get counseling, and then get on with our lives. You don't have to cheat to have a good marriage, but carry on!
I would put your comment in a list of examples under the heading...sanctimonious
Anonymous
04/23/2015 14:18
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together 12 years. In that we've experienced finding each other. A business failure, infidelity, relocation, aging parents, promotions, celebrations, and life. We are very content, have worked through differences, overcome adversity, and don't resent / hate each other. I unfairly do most of the housework, work more "work" hours than him, he makes way more money so there is a financial (not work) imbalance, so ends up supporting the bank accounts more. Somehow, against all odds it seems, None of this is a source of contention with us.
We have sex in the same flowing fashion: sometimes like hungry bunnies, so,entires we miss weeks at a time. Not for lack of anything other than time and sleep. Neither of us is put off, upset, resentful about attention for the other.
We work together, compromise, disagree sometimes. I'm not overly find of his parents, but bring a pie and a smile when we visit. I wish he'd take out the garbage more, or do the dishes. He wishes I didn't take everything personally and would actually ask for help more often.
Mostly at night, we curl into each other and sleep knowing we are a team. There has been some bad, but lots and lots of good through the years, and we don't compete with each other.
Anyone else in the throes of a totally average relationship?
This is what I want, so badly. If I had this, I would be in my dream marriage.
Yes... you want to curl up to someone who screwed another person while married to you. No thank you!
Well, good thing for you that you've never had any adversity in your life.
Is it mush better to lay beside someone facing the other way, internally seething about the love you once / could have had? Staying in a relationship because of the money?
DHs and DWs are not mythical creatures above all humanity. It sucks sometimes, but the moment you wake up that' you have always been perfect and above reproach is the day you can judge them. The problem is so many people think they are perfect, while doing quiet damage of their own, to the person they are supposed to love, and to the relationship they are supposed to honor.
So many folks are very smug about not cheating, not doing XYZ, all the while missing the point about nurturing their relationship. When it happens to you, infidelity isn't always what you think. It's not even all about screwing, and even if it seems that it is, it's not. Again, it's hardly the worst thing that can happen to your relationship.
Whatever makes you feel better about cheating! Some of is actually give a damn about our vows, and instead of sleeping around and curling up later we hash it out, get counseling, and then get on with our lives. You don't have to cheat to have a good marriage, but carry on!
Anonymous
04/23/2015 13:46
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together 12 years. In that we've experienced finding each other. A business failure, infidelity, relocation, aging parents, promotions, celebrations, and life. We are very content, have worked through differences, overcome adversity, and don't resent / hate each other. I unfairly do most of the housework, work more "work" hours than him, he makes way more money so there is a financial (not work) imbalance, so ends up supporting the bank accounts more. Somehow, against all odds it seems, None of this is a source of contention with us.
We have sex in the same flowing fashion: sometimes like hungry bunnies, so,entires we miss weeks at a time. Not for lack of anything other than time and sleep. Neither of us is put off, upset, resentful about attention for the other.
We work together, compromise, disagree sometimes. I'm not overly find of his parents, but bring a pie and a smile when we visit. I wish he'd take out the garbage more, or do the dishes. He wishes I didn't take everything personally and would actually ask for help more often.
Mostly at night, we curl into each other and sleep knowing we are a team. There has been some bad, but lots and lots of good through the years, and we don't compete with each other.
Anyone else in the throes of a totally average relationship?
This is what I want, so badly. If I had this, I would be in my dream marriage.
Yes... you want to curl up to someone who screwed another person while married to you. No thank you!
Well, good thing for you that you've never had any adversity in your life.
Is it mush better to lay beside someone facing the other way, internally seething about the love you once / could have had? Staying in a relationship because of the money?
DHs and DWs are not mythical creatures above all humanity. It sucks sometimes, but the moment you wake up that' you have always been perfect and above reproach is the day you can judge them. The problem is so many people think they are perfect, while doing quiet damage of their own, to the person they are supposed to love, and to the relationship they are supposed to honor.
So many folks are very smug about not cheating, not doing XYZ, all the while missing the point about nurturing their relationship. When it happens to you, infidelity isn't always what you think. It's not even all about screwing, and even if it seems that it is, it's not. Again, it's hardly the worst thing that can happen to your relationship.
Anonymous
04/23/2015 13:31
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together 12 years. In that we've experienced finding each other. A business failure, infidelity, relocation, aging parents, promotions, celebrations, and life. We are very content, have worked through differences, overcome adversity, and don't resent / hate each other. I unfairly do most of the housework, work more "work" hours than him, he makes way more money so there is a financial (not work) imbalance, so ends up supporting the bank accounts more. Somehow, against all odds it seems, None of this is a source of contention with us.
We have sex in the same flowing fashion: sometimes like hungry bunnies, so,entires we miss weeks at a time. Not for lack of anything other than time and sleep. Neither of us is put off, upset, resentful about attention for the other.
We work together, compromise, disagree sometimes. I'm not overly find of his parents, but bring a pie and a smile when we visit. I wish he'd take out the garbage more, or do the dishes. He wishes I didn't take everything personally and would actually ask for help more often.
Mostly at night, we curl into each other and sleep knowing we are a team. There has been some bad, but lots and lots of good through the years, and we don't compete with each other.
Anyone else in the throes of a totally average relationship?
This is what I want, so badly. If I had this, I would be in my dream marriage.
Yes... you want to curl up to someone who screwed another person while married to you. No thank you!
Anonymous
04/23/2015 13:29
Subject: In a totally average marriage - tell me about it
OP, so which of you had the affair. If it was you and DH stayed, he is a pussy because you could easily do it again.