And I wanted to add -- your line about "bringing him out of his shell" -- don't. Don't assume that will happen, don't try to make it happen. It might turn out that way, a little bit, over the course of many years, but you're not going to effect a wholesale change in another adult's personality, and frankly it's not cool to try. Accept that he's staying as-is, and make your decisions based on that.

OP, you and he sound pretty similar to me and my husband of 12 years. But I didn't have any qualms about marrying him (we were young and head over heels), and we're very happy. I would agree 100% with the "pros" listed above, that he is a wonderful husband and dad, and is never leaving us to hang out with "the guys"! I've never once worried about him flirting with anyone. (Unrelated great things about him -- we share values and interests, he's smart, cute, fit, and great in bed!) Downsides are that he doesn't enjoy most social gatherings the way I do (especially larger ones, or where he doesn't know the people as well). I've learned that it makes more sense for me to go out solo sometimes rather than try to drag him along to everything. We both have more fun that way, and although it used to bother me, I've come to see that it's no big deal. He's not great at small talk, and I think some of my friends might think he doesn't like them or something; that used to bother me more but now I don't care what others think. He can also be stubborn, and at times I've wished he had someone (other than me) to be a sounding board, because we'd be having a disagreement and I'd think: if only he had a good friend to bounce this off of, because odds are that friend would give him another perspective and probably "side" with me! The main issue is that he and my boisterous family don't click well at all. He can't work up the schmoozy small talk they thrive on, and they can't figure him out and feel rejected when he won't talk to them or laugh at their jokes. Sometimes it's hard for me to be in the middle of that dynamic.

So I think you need to ask yourself if it's a deal breaker to have a husband who won't always accompany you to things and won't be the life of the party. Are you willing to go alone (at least sometimes), and not resent it? Will it bother you if your own social life is more focused on you, solo, and not as much on "couple friends"? (We have a few, but that's not the focus of my social life, for sure.) Personally, I think those issues are minor when considered in the context of someone you're starting to fall for who is "considerate, caring, very smart and educated, same family values," etc. All marriages involve some compromise and some yin/yang. Wishing you lots of luck and happiness!

Anonymous wrote:Any women here with quiet, homebody DHs? I am dating a very nice who fits the majority of my "husband" requirements (he's considerate, caring, very smart and educated, same family values, blah blah blah) and I am incredibly fond of him and am starting to fall for him.

However social life is where we struggle a little bit. I'm definitely an introvert, but I'm a sociable, outgoing introvert. I can talk for hours on end - i just need two days of quiet at home to peacefully recuperate haha. But the point is I do enjoy catching up with my friends, I like going to networking events in my industry, I like making connections and meeting people. I need down time at home afterwards, of course, and my natural state is lying in bed with a book (suits my introverted nature) but I can't be at home all the time.

My boyfriend doesn't really open up to people fast. He's very reserved, though friendly, and sometimes I think he gives people the impression that he isn't very interested in them. I know this is shyness, and I don't like the idea that I'm possibly more confident around people than he is.

Any women who brought their DHs out of their shells? And how much of a turn-off is it for you?

I am struck by the number of qualities he has that fits your 'husband requirement' and the fact you bring up this one area.

As for experience, my mother could easily be described as you describe yourself and my father like he is. Because of my father's work he did become a bit more outgoing but still wouldn't ever be regarded as an extrovert. She remained about the same but moved a little more to the introvert side. They were married for over 50 years.

I haven't read all the posts, but am in this situation. Together 12 years, married 8, with two kids 4 and 1. I'm much more outgoing and social (though not a TRUE extrovert - I love time alone, I often want to stay in and chill, etc) than my husband. It has pros and cons.

The pros are:
a) he's a great husband and dad. He doesn't want to be out schmoozing at happy hour, or playing golf with the guys - he wants to be home with his family.
b) I feel like the awesome person he is is a private thing for me and his family - like we get to see a side of him the world doesn't.
c) he's loyal and devoted - just a good guy. Doesn't like gossip, cruelty, backstabbing, etc

The cons are:
a) he NEVER wants to go out. We are part of a core group of friends and I often worry that the guys don't like him, people think he's boring and/or not interested in them, etc. He's also a serious athlete, so EVERY time we go out it feels like he's doing the "one beer and let's leave early" thing.
b) he isn't a go-getter at work. I work too, and this doesn't bother me, but he isn't a climb the corporate ladder type. He has a good job, but the schmoozing aspect will never work for him.

I used to date a lot of in-your-face, outgoing guys and I adore my husband and am so glad I didn't go the other route (I can imagine worrying about cheating, etc). That said, I do get frustrated with DH's lack of interest in socializing and I feel like it puts extra pressure on me to maintain our social life as a couple.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any women here with quiet, homebody DHs? I am dating a very nice who fits the majority of my "husband" requirements (he's considerate, caring, very smart and educated, same family values, blah blah blah) and I am incredibly fond of him and am starting to fall for him.

However social life is where we struggle a little bit. I'm definitely an introvert, but I'm a sociable, outgoing introvert. I can talk for hours on end - i just need two days of quiet at home to peacefully recuperate haha. But the point is I do enjoy catching up with my friends, I like going to networking events in my industry, I like making connections and meeting people. I need down time at home afterwards, of course, and my natural state is lying in bed with a book (suits my introverted nature) but I can't be at home all the time.

My boyfriend doesn't really open up to people fast. He's very reserved, though friendly, and sometimes I think he gives people the impression that he isn't very interested in them. I know this is shyness, and I don't like the idea that I'm possibly more confident around people than he is.

Any women who brought their DHs out of their shells? And how much of a turn-off is it for you?

NO such thing. You're a full on extrovert and your boyfriend is an introvert. You can't change his personality but opposites do attract. My current bf is an extrovert who has a lot of friends and I'm an introvert with few to no friends. I'm attracted to him being outgoing and he's attracted to how much I value a nice home and family.

No, some introverts sometimes really enjoy being around people. I'm the pp directly above you and I consistently test as introverted on MBTI, but I also like hosting parties and being around other people and families. Just not too much That's why I married an extrovert-- he does the work and makes most of the social plans.

Nope. I'm not placing value on the MBTI simply because those tests change time and time again. From Dictionary online

An introvert generally prefers solitary activities to interacting with large groups of people.
Extrovert definition, an outgoing, gregarious person

Now an ambivert can be BOTH but then most people would say they are ambiverts!

Well I said I liked hosting and being around people-- interacting, not so much, especially not for long periods of time. Introversion is a scale anyway, and OP probably knows how much interacting she can do before becoming tired of it.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I could have written this exact post! Been with my introvert DH 10 years now. Sometimes I wish he could be friendlier, but generally we have a great relationship. There was never much shyness between us, we clicked instantly. However, if I want to talk for hours I call up a girlfriend or sometimes I go out solo. He enjoys the quiet and I get friend time. Not for everyone, but works great for us.

Ha, I could have written the quoted post above...describes my relationship with my husband exactly! FWIW OP, I'm very happy in my marriage.

This relationship might be salvageable if he has sisters living nearby that he is close to (and you like them too). Otherwise, beware.