Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I've posted here for years about my husband not being into touch generally and having a fairly low sex drive. I was faithful all through our dating years, engagement and the first seven or so years of marriage. Then I met a guy who just swept me off my feet. I couldn't have stayed married without the OM, and it's definitely been best for my kids that their family is intact.

I would feel guilty if my affair prevented me from giving the time and attention to my husband and kids that they need and want, but since it didn't, it's a win win.

OP here. You're actually talking about a different scenario than I am. I am not talking about maintaining a mistress/mister on the side because that speaks to longterm duplicity and a host of other issues. I can definitely see how being an unwitting co-wife/co-husband would piss a person off.


I am talking about a simple oil change. A one-time cleaning of the pipes, so to speak. I don't see why one-offs without feelings, money, or time exchanged fill people with such guilt/anger.

Are you on the autism spectrum? I'm not trying to be funny. I can understand if you don't think cheating is a big deal, but to not understand why anyone else would speaks to a level of social tone-deafness that is often found in people on the spectrum. A lack of empathy and an inability to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
You draw the line at spending money and time on someone else. Other people draw their line in a different place. I think the biggest problem is knowing where your partner draws his line and choosing to ignore it, even if it's just a one-off thing. Because that's just a shitty thing to do, whether we are talking about having sex with another person or something else.

Op, I am similar in that I actually don't consider sex necessarily a big deal--I've certainly enjoyed my fair share of mutually satisfying encounters that would not threaten a primary relationship. But, I happen to be married to someone who doesn't feel the same way, so I don't cheat, because I know that it goes against what he believes and he would not have the same reaction that I would.

I think actually I would have been happy with someone who was interested in an open marriage, although I think it can be very tricky. At one point I initiated a conversation with my husband about deal breakers/cheating, open marriage, etc (in part because I was interested in opening things up). I told him that if he had someone that he just got his rocks off with, but wasn't in love with, and wasn't a source of primary emotional connection, then it really didn't bother me (and what i guess I was intimidating was...how would he feel if I occasionally slept with someone else?). His response was to say that he was not interested in that kind of relationship-and that he tended to fall hard for people, and to invest romantic attachment with sexual attachment. And for me that's a deal breaker, because while I don't really care about an occasional dalliance, the idea of him falling in love with someone else is threatening to me, our marriage, our family. And as for him, the idea of me sleeping with another guy--with or without emotional attachment-- was pretty much a dealbreaker--kind of a turn on, but mostly a deal breaker.
So, we are, for the time being, faithful. Anyway, I get where you're coming from, but its rare to find others like you, and its even rarer for two people like that to have a successful relationship, free of jealousy, betrayal etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the OP and I'm also a woman. I actually have never cheated on anyone, but wouldn't rule it out in the future and wouldn't really care if my husband did if I never found out and he was careful. (How could I care about something I don't even know about any way?) I also think people get so worked up over cheating when to me there are so many other things that people do in marriages that are so much more soul-sucking -- cruelty, mistreatment, loss of affection, constant nagging, etc.

So if your husband told this theoretical other woman that he loved her and wanted to take care of her, shared details about his life and was emotionally close to her, would that bother you?

That is not the situation posed by the OP. Go back and read her first post.

(OP) Thank you for correcting this person. I am not sure why people aren't getting that I don't mean a mistress or longterm cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only cheater who feels zero guilt?

I have never cheated on my husband, but before I got married, I cheated on boyfriends and felt no guilt about it. I just don't see the big deal about quietly getting my rocks off with someone else on a one-time basis. Honestly, if my guy was screwing someone he didn't love, I don't think I would give much of a shit, as long as he had protected sex, it wasn't another man, he didn't love the person or give them any money, and it wasn't public knowledge. Why are genitals rubbing together the source of so much pain for people?

Reading the thread about the woman who slept with another guy while overseas, I am just baffled by her histrionics. So, you screwed another guy. Fix your skirt, pat your hair, and carry on with life. I could understand her panic if she got caught, but I just can't understand why the act itself, without being caught, had her all in a tizzy.

Sometimes, I feel as if I must be a robot. I don't get most people's emotions. And no, this isn't a troll post. I have struggled all my life to understand why cheating is such a big deal (assuming the other person isn't a relative or something).

would you wonder if your partner was sexually unsatisfied with you?

Probably not. I would ask, but I wouldn't really be torn up about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the OP and I'm also a woman. I actually have never cheated on anyone, but wouldn't rule it out in the future and wouldn't really care if my husband did if I never found out and he was careful. (How could I care about something I don't even know about any way?) I also think people get so worked up over cheating when to me there are so many other things that people do in marriages that are so much more soul-sucking -- cruelty, mistreatment, loss of affection, constant nagging, etc.

So if your husband told this theoretical other woman that he loved her and wanted to take care of her, shared details about his life and was emotionally close to her, would that bother you?

That is not the situation posed by the OP. Go back and read her first post.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the OP and I'm also a woman. I actually have never cheated on anyone, but wouldn't rule it out in the future and wouldn't really care if my husband did if I never found out and he was careful. (How could I care about something I don't even know about any way?) I also think people get so worked up over cheating when to me there are so many other things that people do in marriages that are so much more soul-sucking -- cruelty, mistreatment, loss of affection, constant nagging, etc.

So if your husband told this theoretical other woman that he loved her and wanted to take care of her, shared details about his life and was emotionally close to her, would that bother you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the OP and I'm also a woman. I actually have never cheated on anyone, but wouldn't rule it out in the future and wouldn't really care if my husband did if I never found out and he was careful. (How could I care about something I don't even know about any way?) I also think people get so worked up over cheating when to me there are so many other things that people do in marriages that are so much more soul-sucking -- cruelty, mistreatment, loss of affection, constant nagging, etc.

+1 and I am also a woman.

OP. Big hugs to you both! So glad I'm not the only one. I bet there are other people reading on who agree with us, but won't post because DCUM can be so sanctimonious.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the OP and I'm also a woman. I actually have never cheated on anyone, but wouldn't rule it out in the future and wouldn't really care if my husband did if I never found out and he was careful. (How could I care about something I don't even know about any way?) I also think people get so worked up over cheating when to me there are so many other things that people do in marriages that are so much more soul-sucking -- cruelty, mistreatment, loss of affection, constant nagging, etc.

+1 and I am also a woman.

I'm with the OP and I'm also a woman. I actually have never cheated on anyone, but wouldn't rule it out in the future and wouldn't really care if my husband did if I never found out and he was careful. (How could I care about something I don't even know about any way?) I also think people get so worked up over cheating when to me there are so many other things that people do in marriages that are so much more soul-sucking -- cruelty, mistreatment, loss of affection, constant nagging, etc.

Freud thought guilt served to effectively regulate social behavior. If people didn’t feel guilty, so the argument goes, they’d be much less likely to care about hurting others feelings or damaging their property. Consequently without guilt people would be running around doing whatever the hell they felt like doing without care or consideration for others and oh what a wonderful world that would be.

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only cheater who feels zero guilt?

I have never cheated on my husband, but before I got married, I cheated on boyfriends and felt no guilt about it. I just don't see the big deal about quietly getting my rocks off with someone else on a one-time basis. Honestly, if my guy was screwing someone he didn't love, I don't think I would give much of a shit, as long as he had protected sex, it wasn't another man, he didn't love the person or give them any money, and it wasn't public knowledge. Why are genitals rubbing together the source of so much pain for people?

Reading the thread about the woman who slept with another guy while overseas, I am just baffled by her histrionics. So, you screwed another guy. Fix your skirt, pat your hair, and carry on with life. I could understand her panic if she got caught, but I just can't understand why the act itself, without being caught, had her all in a tizzy.

Sometimes, I feel as if I must be a robot. I don't get most people's emotions. And no, this isn't a troll post. I have struggled all my life to understand why cheating is such a big deal (assuming the other person isn't a relative or something).

would you wonder if your partner was sexually unsatisfied with you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your vow involved a promise to be faithful to your spouse and not to cheat with anyone else and then you cheated, you broke that vow and violated your spouse's trust. That's the real sticking point, more than the rubbing together of genitals. Some people have open relationships and the spouses sleep with other people without guilt, because there's no broken promises and no violation of trust.

OP here. Yes, this is what would bother the person being cheated on. But are people who are having one-off sex really deep down inside feeling guilty about violating trust? I mean before they get caught.

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. People keep answering you, and then you keep twisting the question. Honestly, your inability to comprehend this makes me wonder if you don't have some personality disorder that leaves you unable to empathize with others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about how it makes you feel, it's about how it makes your partner feel. A woman will feel threatened if her partner sleeps with someone else, and even more so if he has feelings for that person. A man will feel threatened if his partner sleeps with someone else, with or without feelings.

OP here (the last post was me too). This thread is about the cheater. Why do cheaters feel so much guilt, even when they are not caught and will not carry on with the person who they are cheating with?

Because they have empathy for their partner. Because they know what they did would hurt their partner, and in turn, that hurts them. You seem to be lacking that empathy.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about how it makes you feel, it's about how it makes your partner feel. A woman will feel threatened if her partner sleeps with someone else, and even more so if he has feelings for that person. A man will feel threatened if his partner sleeps with someone else, with or without feelings.

OP here (the last post was me too). This thread is about the cheater. Why do cheaters feel so much guilt, even when they are not caught and will not carry on with the person who they are cheating with?

Because they have empathy for their partner. Because they know what they did would hurt their partner, and in turn, that hurts them. You seem to be lacking that empathy.

Anonymous wrote:If your vow involved a promise to be faithful to your spouse and not to cheat with anyone else and then you cheated, you broke that vow and violated your spouse's trust. That's the real sticking point, more than the rubbing together of genitals. Some people have open relationships and the spouses sleep with other people without guilt, because there's no broken promises and no violation of trust.

OP here. Yes, this is what would bother the person being cheated on. But are people who are having one-off sex really deep down inside feeling guilty about violating trust? I mean before they get caught.