Anonymous wrote:Sheesh. This guy's wife doesn't even "let" him hug her when he offers. I really can't understand why everyone is jumping on him. She sounds verbally abusive, withholding, and cold. I don't care if he sucks as an earner. Whatever happend to for richer or for poorer? Nobody is promised financial success forever. So he took some risks and she has to work. Big whoop. I have to work, most of us have to work. That's no excuse to be verbally abusive and to withhold even the most basic of physical contact, a hug.

People are jumping on him because he was cold to her, when she was trying, and then was bemoaning how he regretted it while also blaming her for all the issues. His wife wasn't asking for advice.

Sheesh. This guy's wife doesn't even "let" him hug her when he offers. I really can't understand why everyone is jumping on him. She sounds verbally abusive, withholding, and cold. I don't care if he sucks as an earner. Whatever happend to for richer or for poorer? Nobody is promised financial success forever. So he took some risks and she has to work. Big whoop. I have to work, most of us have to work. That's no excuse to be verbally abusive and to withhold even the most basic of physical contact, a hug.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife wished you a Happy Anniversary, and you basically blew her off. She's supposed to want to sex with you later anyway? How does that work?

Its definitely a chicken/egg dynamic. But being married to a low drive spouse- its tough to make an effort every day and do the little things with very little reciprocity.

That being said- OP's timing sucked. He should have said Happy Anniversary back and talked about counseling another time. Total dick move.

Who said anything about low drive? Someone can have a high sex drive and still not want to have sex with a particular person if they're really angry. Don't project your marriage onto OP's situation.

OP, was your wife a SAHM who resents having to go back to work? Was she already working and resents being the breadwinner?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife had to start somewhere. Why not go give her a hug and go out for a nice dinner or do something fun together? Also, if she's supporting the family, then you don't have a business, you have a hobby. Call it what it is.

You are right about her starting somewhere. And that is my regret - in that I didn't acknowledge that in kind. My wife does not let me hug her. It's a business with revenue and earnings - it is just not where it needs to be.

OP, you could mention this to your wife - "I'm really sorry that I did not acknowledge our anniversary in kind. I would like to make it up to you. What can I do for you?" If she's not into hugging, then she's not into hugging. Maybe she'd be willing to tell you something she IS into.

I usually am not overly sympathetic to people who cry "sexist marriage" and "alienation of affection" but 5 years is a very long time for one spouse to not even allow basic physical affection like a hug. Are you considering leaving the marriage at this time?

Anonymous wrote:She's probably wished you a happy anniversary because she knows she'll be happy with her AP later.

That's helpful.

Did you learn your ignorance from your family or all on your own ?

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife had to start somewhere. Why not go give her a hug and go out for a nice dinner or do something fun together? Also, if she's supporting the family, then you don't have a business, you have a hobby. Call it what it is.

You are right about her starting somewhere. And that is my regret - in that I didn't acknowledge that in kind. My wife does not let me hug her. It's a business with revenue and earnings - it is just not where it needs to be.

She's probably wished you a happy anniversary because she knows she'll be happy with her AP later.

My husband left Big Law to open his own firm with a friend. This meant I would be the main breadwinner, and we would be relying on my health insurance. When DH came to me with this plan to leave, I said, "Let's sit down with your future law partner and his wife, and map this out. How much money will the start-up cost? What is the total value of your combined book of clients? How many months will it take you to be in the black? Will you be able to maintain that status? At what point do you think you will meet the salary you are making at Big Law now?"

Then, based on their answers, I said "Let's try for one year." It was important going in to know I wasn't blindly standing by my man, and that we had an exit strategy if needed. We still rely on my job for health insurance, but DH's income has once again surpassed mine.

OP I think you have been very wrong to not have set something like this up with your wife. It's fine to try something and struggle, but at a certain point when the entire family is sacrificing for your dream long term with no end in sight, that's not cool.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife wished you a Happy Anniversary, and you basically blew her off. She's supposed to want to sex with you later anyway? How does that work?

Its definitely a chicken/egg dynamic. But being married to a low drive spouse- its tough to make an effort every day and do the little things with very little reciprocity.

That being said- OP's timing sucked. He should have said Happy Anniversary back and talked about counseling another time. Total dick move.

OP, at this point, you guys are in an untenable situation. It sounds like she is trying on some levels - working super hard while you're trying to rebuild, even though she doesn't want to, wishing you a happy anniversary even though it doesn't sound like you are happily married. It also seems like those are maybe not the ways you'd like her to try.

Your hurt feelings and resentments are completely legit. So are hers. The reality is that you will both have to face hard truths about your contributions to the current state of affairs. You will both have to decide if you are invested in repairing your marriage. That's not something that you can do on your own.

We all understand that 5 years is a long time, OP. We feel your pain.
However, you're not completely blameless in this, are you?
Like a PP so aptly put it, I wouldn't be able to feel any kind of sexual attraction for someone who destroyed my sense of security and confidence in the future. If she didn't expect to be the sole wage earner in this marriage, and has been forced to do it for years, I can also feel sympathy for her.

Counseling is a great idea, OP. Your wife should talk about these things instead of letting it fester. That's not healthy at all and doesn't solve anything.

OP, your wife wished you a Happy Anniversary, and you basically blew her off. She's supposed to want to sex with you later anyway? How does that work?

OP, your wife had to start somewhere. Why not go give her a hug and go out for a nice dinner or do something fun together? Also, if she's supporting the family, then you don't have a business, you have a hobby. Call it what it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your wife's situation and it is absolutely horrible. My DH also had a successful business then we almost ended up in bankruptcy because of some mistskes he made. There were also some trust issues in our case because my husband was not entirely forthright with me. I resented having to support our family financially and I became completely unattracted to him. He has turned his business around and we made it through but it was not easy and I had to pay all the bills for years. You need to acknowledge that you screwed up and put her in a horrible position that she does not deserve to be in. You need to tell her you will work to fix things and you need to do it. You need to stop focusing on the fact that she hasn't touched you and focus on making money again and treating your wife well. Being married to a business owner is very very hard.

Thank you for sharing your perspective - it is very helpful.

OP, you couldn't figure this perspective out on your own? Really?

This on the other hand is not very helpful.