Anonymous wrote:Well, DH is most of the time on his laptop or cell phone.
He seems to be in his own world when conversations are going around in the house.
When I directly talked to him today about some gardening stuff, he just walked away as though I am not talking to him.
How to deal with this?
He seems to actively participate in conversations with his friends.

Well, if he won't act like a grown man, you have two choices:

choice a) if you're wired like I am, and don't put up with disrespect (the fact that your husband actively participates in conversations with friends rules out a medical issue and points to selective non-listening when it's you doing the talking), then you can stop talking to him and write him notes with the barest essential that you need to communicate. When he asks you why you're doing that, you can answer: "You were disrespecting me by walking away without a reason while I was talking to you. I don't allow people to treat me that way. Are you ready to communicate in a normal, polite, respectful way?", and then you take it from there.

choice b) if you are amenable to putting up with his attitude, then you need to treat him like a child, because he's not acting like a grown man so he doesn't get treated like one. Follow him, put your hand on his arm or his shoulder, say his name and then add: "I am talking to you. Please look at me, acknowledge that I'm talking to you and listen while I finish. You can go take care of whatever you were going to do when we're done with this conversation."

Squirt gun. Shoot him when his attention wanders.

My DH does this as well. He'll actually ask me a question and then walk away as I am answering. And I talk about 1/20th as much as he does. It's super annoying but I've gotten used to it. I text him now with stuff I actually want him to remember-- even if he's sitting right next to me. It's the only way to guarantee he will absorb the information, plus I then have proof that I told him.

Sometimes I will yell his name and say "I was talking!" And he will apologetically return to the room and pretend to be interested.

Another approach that works is to start with the end of my story or question or whatever. And he will then backpedal with questions to get the whole thing. For instance, I will start by asking, "How much do you want to spend on the garden this year?" This will throw him off and make him ask questions, which will end up in the discussion that I wanted to have. It is very effective. Same with work stuff. When he asks about my day, I lead with one sensational part-- it gets his attention and he follows up with questions. Like "well, I almost quit." "What? Why?" "Because Phil is an asshat." "Ha, what did he do?" Etc., etc, etc. it works.

Put your hands on his shoulders,
snuggle-up to him, look him in the eye
and talk.

If you have a lot more that "needs discussing",
you need to talk too much. Talk less.

Anonymous wrote:Say, "I need to talk to you about something. Can I have 5 minutes?" If yes - start talking. If no - ask when would be good and schedule it.

If he zones while you're talking stop "I need your attention for 5 minutes. Can I have that please?" If yes, repeat as before. If no, you have larger issues.

I need to get my husband to really focus, to consciously pay attention, in order for me to be sure he's really listening. It drives me crazy but it's just the way it is. I don't always go to the trouble of doing what I said above, but if it's important I do.

FWIW, I have to do almost the exact same thing w/ my toddler/preschooler son. If he isn't looking at me, and if I don't get him to directly acknowledge what I said, I can't be sure it was heard. His twin sister does not require the same approach.

Seeing this in my twins has made me go easier on all men in general.

This is good advice. But if you ask for 5 minutes, take 5 minutes. Don't turn it into 30.

Could he have ADHD? This is a typical behavior. Lack of focus, inattentiveness followed by hyper focus on something that gets his interest, difficulty to deal with lots of information, sometimes seems lost in his own world, etc.

Say, "I need to talk to you about something. Can I have 5 minutes?" If yes - start talking. If no - ask when would be good and schedule it.

If he zones while you're talking stop "I need your attention for 5 minutes. Can I have that please?" If yes, repeat as before. If no, you have larger issues.

I need to get my husband to really focus, to consciously pay attention, in order for me to be sure he's really listening. It drives me crazy but it's just the way it is. I don't always go to the trouble of doing what I said above, but if it's important I do.

FWIW, I have to do almost the exact same thing w/ my toddler/preschooler son. If he isn't looking at me, and if I don't get him to directly acknowledge what I said, I can't be sure it was heard. His twin sister does not require the same approach.

Seeing this in my twins has made me go easier on all men in general.

For those that have this problem . . . was your DH like this before you married him? It's hard for me to imagine dating, much less marrying, someone who never seemed interested in anything I have to say.

Oh I feel much better that this is common and not just my husband. NP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, DH is most of the time on his laptop or cell phone.
He seems to be in his own world when conversations are going around in the house.
When I directly talked to him today about some gardening stuff, he just walked away as though I am not talking to him.
How to deal with this?
He seems to actively participate in conversations with his friends.

Do you prattle? When you speak to him do you take 20 minutes to get to the point and lead with how you feel about what you're about to tell him?

If you do these things, I'd walk away, too.

Hi Sheldon!

Anonymous wrote:Well, DH is most of the time on his laptop or cell phone.
He seems to be in his own world when conversations are going around in the house.
When I directly talked to him today about some gardening stuff, he just walked away as though I am not talking to him.
How to deal with this?
He seems to actively participate in conversations with his friends.

Do you prattle? When you speak to him do you take 20 minutes to get to the point and lead with how you feel about what you're about to tell him?

If you do these things, I'd walk away, too.

If he starts walking, you stop talking. Every single time. My DH used to do this, along with interrupting me, and he learned that my silence meant that he was not giving me his attention. I also happen to be a very good listener, which most people appreciate.

say "I need to talk with you for 10 minutes about [topic]. We need to make a decision by [date]. When works for you?" and deal with it then.

My husband does this and it drives me nuts. I think in our case it is definitely a case of male vs female communication styles. I bring something up - I want to discuss it - all the aspects of the situation, etc. - he just wants to make a quick decision.

I have come to realize that it is a difference of communication and decision making styles and this realization helps at least sometimes. I do refuse to talk to him if he can't give me his full attention - no devices, etc.

Maybe you are taking too long to make your point?

If he's not walking away because he's fed up with the conversation, then react to what it is - just a signal that he's not ready to listen or engage. If you have something important to say, follow him to the next room and calmly say "I realize you're engrossed in something at the moment, but when you're free, I was saying something that is important. Let me know when you're free to talk." If it's an on-going, almost daily occurrence, then let him know that you'd like to be able to have the daily conversations that most spouses enjoy at the end of the work day but you see he needs time to himself - is there a happy medium you all could sort out? Perhaps a new routine needs to be established, like he gets the first 15-20 minutes in the door to quietly decompress, and then after that he's checked into you & the family, and has put the phone away.