OK OP here - lots of misunderstanding but I get the point that it's rude to expect to leave time alone.

FIL is going also - she is not alone. Also she's good friends with my parents

The history is that time with them is suffocating....we see them 4 times a year, with 3 of the 4 typically being a full week. So this is not a situation of "poor woman never sees her son..". They are also invited to our house as much as they like. I'm an introvert, MIL has huge personality, I need breaks from time with them (or anyone) just to not be talked to continuously and it's really really hard to get them. A week is a very long time to not get any time to yourself / with just your SO (who to me is basically like being yourself since we're comfortable just walking in silence together)

This is a house that we rented and made clear up front everyone was welcome to join us at with a "do your own thing" type vacation. People do whatever for the day, we all join up in the evening for dinner. DH and I knew we needed a vacation together (for those who have dinner with their spouse regularly, you can't understand how having only 2 nights a week with them can be a strain on feeling connected) but we also want to be inclusive for family. Love the idea of making all these vacations separate but please tell me what dream world you live in where you have the time and money for this.

My family will do that. Sister and kids will do their things, my parents will do theirs (history / art stuff we're not particularly interested in) but I'm already anticipating MIL will want to do exactly whatever we do from the moment we're out of bed to the moment we're back in. To the extent where from previous experience if I go try to sit on a bench outside by myself, she'll be there within 5 minutes to talk more.

I'm trying to figure out how to get some space so I don't lose my mind over the week. Maybe that makes me a B - I know her hearts in a good place - but as I'm sure other people have experience with the more overbearing someone is even when its from a place of love - the more you feel the need to get some space.

Anonymous wrote:

Why do you tell her that you're going for a bike ride? Give her brunch every other Sunday and dinner every other Wednesday or something.

If you've taken her on vacation with you, just look her straight in the eye and say "Dan and I are going out for a romantic walk to watch the sun set. See you in a couple of hours."

When she says she'd love to tag along, just gently tell her "Actually, Dan and I would like a little time alone; I hope you can understand." Then just assume she can, because even a seven year old can get that.

Someone has to watch the kids.

OP doesn't have children.

Why do you tell her that you're going for a bike ride? Give her brunch every other Sunday and dinner every other Wednesday or something.

If you've taken her on vacation with you, just look her straight in the eye and say "Dan and I are going out for a romantic walk to watch the sun set. See you in a couple of hours."

When she says she'd love to tag along, just gently tell her "Actually, Dan and I would like a little time alone; I hope you can understand." Then just assume she can, because even a seven year old can get that.

Someone has to watch the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the rest of the family is my family (parents, sibling, siblings kids). She loves them all but loves us the most (obviously). We don't have kids.

We live far apart so see her and FIL 3-4 times per year. 2 of the times we visit at their house and it's all about spending time with them. DH and I are desperate for some couple time...hope to do a another trip soon but its not like we can jet off for a week regularly.

Based on previous comments it sounds like there's really no way to not invite her on a day trip but for shorter things (walk together etc) some of the suggestions are helpful

Honestly op, it seems really odd to take her on vacation with your family, and then expect her to hang out with your family while you have "couple time" with the guy you live with. If you need couple time with your dh, schedule it, but not for the same time as this multi-family trip. That just doesn't make sense.

This
OP a family vacation a d couple vacation are not tbe same thing !

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the rest of the family is my family (parents, sibling, siblings kids). She loves them all but loves us the most (obviously). We don't have kids.

We live far apart so see her and FIL 3-4 times per year. 2 of the times we visit at their house and it's all about spending time with them. DH and I are desperate for some couple time...hope to do a another trip soon but its not like we can jet off for a week regularly.

Based on previous comments it sounds like there's really no way to not invite her on a day trip but for shorter things (walk together etc) some of the suggestions are helpful

WAIT--you're going on a vacation with your side of the family, and your MIL is also coming on this trip without her husband??? Is that correct?
If so, WHY is this happening?

I think it's fine for you to go spend some time with your husband whether it's a day trip or a walk or a bike ride. I can't believe posters are saying you're being rude because you see your husband all year. Well, you don't see your husband in these vacation places when you're both unplugged from work. That's different! If it's about your MIL being left behind with your family, then either she shouldn't go or she should bring her husband.

Anonymous wrote:I would establish several date nights so it is clear it is just the two of you.

This sounds like a really great way to start. You can say that you are going to make it a date and if she invites herself, you will already have set the stage that you want it to be just you, so it will be easy to let her down. As you see how that goes, maybe you can build on this - and if not this trip, certainly over time, you can add free time on. This might be a process for you.

Everything points to Mil feeling somewhat awkward about being left alone with your family. I'm sure they're lovely but I bet she isn't altogether comfotable being left with them for the day. It's her vacation too.

I was with you in the beginning, thinking you lived in the same neighborhood with her and she was constantly imposing herself on you. But then you said that you live far apart and this occurs when you are guests in her home. OP, what in the world are you thinking? You are just plain rude. You are guests in her home. She is not "tagging along." You are really a piece of work, traveling to someone else's home and expecting to have "couple time." If you want to have couple time, go to a resort.

Anonymous wrote:She only sees her son 3-4 times per year. Have your couple time the other 48-49+ weeks.

And part of the time she does see him is when you are all on vacation with your family. This doesn't seem particularly empathic of you, or fair.

I agree with the posters who've suggested you try to be more understanding. Since you don't have kids, I'm at a loss as to why you are so desperate for couples time even if your husband travels during the week. If you feel that way, take a vacation with just your husband sometimes. It seems a bit like you prioritize spending time with your own family, expect her to be OK with you leaving her alone with them, and don't understand how this must feel to your MIL.

Try saying "MIL, DH and I are going to sneak off to have sex" I doubt she'll invite herself along! LOL

She only sees her son 3-4 times per year. Have your couple time the other 48-49+ weeks.

Op if you and dh are so desperate for couple time, but he travels m-f why can't you accomplish this on every weekend? And I think doing a vacation with a huge amount of relatives, your family plus ILs is a recipe for disaster. Why why why???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the rest of the family is my family (parents, sibling, siblings kids). She loves them all but loves us the most (obviously). We don't have kids.

We live far apart so see her and FIL 3-4 times per year. 2 of the times we visit at their house and it's all about spending time with them. DH and I are desperate for some couple time...hope to do a another trip soon but its not like we can jet off for a week regularly.

Based on previous comments it sounds like there's really no way to not invite her on a day trip but for shorter things (walk together etc) some of the suggestions are helpful

Honestly op, it seems really odd to take her on vacation with your family, and then expect her to hang out with your family while you have "couple time" with the guy you live with. If you need couple time with your dh, schedule it, but not for the same time as this multi-family trip. That just doesn't make sense.

I have to agree with this- if the rest of the people involved are your family, who is she going to hang out with when you two are having couple time? If you want time just the two of you, then split the week up and go on the family vacation for 5 days and go somewhere else for the weekend with just your husband. But inviting your mil on your family vacation and then ditching her seems off.

+1000 I would tag along, too.

I tend to agree that if your MIL is going on a family vacation with her son, his wife and her extended family, that it is a mildly rude to abandon her for private time. Since you are married and you don't have kids, you can have private time anytime without having to do so on vacation. However, as I know some extended families can be stressful, I understand if you need a little alone time just to recharge, but I would try not to make it more than, say, an hour here or there. A day trip is really just obnoxiously long. You can plan a day trip on a weekend when you're home without doing it while you are on a vacation and leaving her there with your family for the day. Even though your husband travels Mon-Fri, you still have weekends together just the two of you, when he hasn't dragged his mother on a family vacation with a family that is not hers.

If you need to sneak away for a short period of time, rather than say "Bob and I are going for a bike ride," just say "Bob and I are going out for a little while. We'll be back shortly." If she asks where you are going, you say "We just need a little time to ourselves; it won't be long." Since you know that she'll take any opening to insert herself, don't give her any openings. I would recommend taking her on any day trips, but allowing yourself a short walk or bike ride without her as long as you don't do this too often or close together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the rest of the family is my family (parents, sibling, siblings kids). She loves them all but loves us the most (obviously). We don't have kids.

We live far apart so see her and FIL 3-4 times per year. 2 of the times we visit at their house and it's all about spending time with them. DH and I are desperate for some couple time...hope to do a another trip soon but its not like we can jet off for a week regularly.

Based on previous comments it sounds like there's really no way to not invite her on a day trip but for shorter things (walk together etc) some of the suggestions are helpful

Honestly op, it seems really odd to take her on vacation with your family, and then expect her to hang out with your family while you have "couple time" with the guy you live with. If you need couple time with your dh, schedule it, but not for the same time as this multi-family trip. That just doesn't make sense.

I have to agree with this- if the rest of the people involved are your family, who is she going to hang out with when you two are having couple time? If you want time just the two of you, then split the week up and go on the family vacation for 5 days and go somewhere else for the weekend with just your husband. But inviting your mil on your family vacation and then ditching her seems off.