Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't specific to your situation. In general, though, I think it's unfair for someone to insist on a visit or vacation with his or her family and then withdraw into a phone or iPad most of the time, leaving all the interaction to the spouse.

OP here. This happens ALL the time.

And I should add... he's on the iPad, and they need help setting up for dinner. He's on the iPad, and the kids need to get ready to go to whatever outing is up next. He's on the iPad, and the house needs to be cleaned up for the party that night. So, yes, I could hole myself up in the room, but then we are the jerks who aren't doing anything.

Maybe the key to this is staying somewhere on our own.

When I was a SAHM I spent 2-3 weeks every summer taking my kids' to see my family in CA. DH usually did not come. Occasionally he'd come for a few days and we'd go somewhere for a few days. In our case, it was because he has limited vacation time that he'd prefer to save for more interesting trips and also that he'd get bored (he likes my parents so that wasn't an issue). I don't think my family ever thought it was odd.

If you are a SAHM then, yeah, probably hard to make the case for not going without causing some bad feelings. In that case I'd go but be firm about carving out time for yourself. But, if you are working and have to use precious vacation time for this annual trip, I think it's perfectly reasonable to go for just a few days and then let DH finish off the time on his own with the kids.

We have vacationed with DH's family a few times and it's only for a week and I deal with it. However, unlike OP, they plan nothing. My SIL has a DS who is not interested in sports or any outside activities so he just sits around and plays with legos and watches TV. My DH and I really like to take our kids out on little adventures during the day so we just do what we want and everyone else just stays home. They will go to the beach a few times, so that is nice. For the first 2 years of our marriage I tried to rally everyone and try to include my SILs son, but now I have given up. We just try to have a good time for our children.

Anonymous wrote:This isn't specific to your situation. In general, though, I think it's unfair for someone to insist on a visit or vacation with his or her family and then withdraw into a phone or iPad most of the time, leaving all the interaction to the spouse.

OP here. This happens ALL the time.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am just a different bird, because if my DH wanted to stay home and not vacation with my family, I would not insist that he go. That means that I will spend most of the vacation trying to manage him. Nope. You do not want to go, me and the kids will go. And we have done that about 3-4 times in the 20 years that we have been married. The caveat is that I do not make excuses or lie for him not coming. My stock answer is "he preferred to stay home."

I agree. If my spouse wanted to stay home I'd rather not deal with an unhappy partner on vacation.

Maybe I am just a different bird, because if my DH wanted to stay home and not vacation with my family, I would not insist that he go. That means that I will spend most of the vacation trying to manage him. Nope. You do not want to go, me and the kids will go. And we have done that about 3-4 times in the 20 years that we have been married. The caveat is that I do not make excuses or lie for him not coming. My stock answer is "he preferred to stay home."

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you will only go if he stays off the ipad!

TBH, if my spouse said this to me, I would tell my spouse to just stay home. I go on vaction to decompress and have a good time. I would not spend my vacation ensuring that my spouse was happy at all times. OP need to be a big girl and insist on time for herself and take it. But she cannot giveher DH an ultimatum to not take time for himself.

Tell him you will only go if he stays off the ipad!

Anonymous wrote:This isn't specific to your situation. In general, though, I think it's unfair for someone to insist on a visit or vacation with his or her family and then withdraw into a phone or iPad most of the time, leaving all the interaction to the spouse.

This. If it's so important for your husband to go, he needs to step up and watch the kids so that you can have some down time. I'm an introvert and I understand--my in-laws are actually nice people, but they talk, talk, talk, talk constantly. It's frankly exhausting. Fortunately, my husband gets it and encourages me to take some time for a nap or just to hole up in our room and read a book so that I can rest and recharge. That allows me to be more pleasant and friendly the rest of the time. I think you need to stand up for yourself a little more--don't go on every outing. Plan some things for the kids and leave it up to the others whether they want to come or not. Go for a run, and stop at a coffee shop or something on the way. Carve out some time for yourself so that your vacation doesn't leave you totally exhausted and irritable.

I've done 3 years in a row of vacation with the in laws. It's gotten better each year as I've learned to let go of some (a lot of) annoyances.

That said, i insisted on a break from that this year.

This isn't specific to your situation. In general, though, I think it's unfair for someone to insist on a visit or vacation with his or her family and then withdraw into a phone or iPad most of the time, leaving all the interaction to the spouse.

Why can't the family to a long 4 day weekend trip? Then that way they get to spend time together without burning everyone's vacation time up.

What are these nonstop events they are scheduling that you can't get out of?

Send DH with the kids. You stay home. Problem solved!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I read these responses, it is easy to see why so many people end up divorced. Some times you do things because it means a great deal to your spouse!

thanks. OP here. Yes, I know it means a lot to my spouse. And that's why I feel really selfish about this. Except that, every time we do any kind of trip with his family (which we did last year) I just end up so angry and frustrated, and like I really need my own vacation afterward. And we end up fighting. I tried to schedule some downtime of my own last time (we spent a week with them all) and it really is impossible to get away for more than a 30 min run. Maybe the answer really is that I suck it up and do it for DH every other year or every three years (I would feel better if it were every 5). we probably see the parents 4 times a year and the entire family once.

'

How can you not get away and have time to yourself? Do they hold you hostage? Just say no when they want to go somewhere. Just walk out of the house yourself. Be pleasant at all times and participate in some of the activities, but when you want to be by yourself or with just your husband and child just do it. The idea that it is impossible to ever get away from them is ridiculous.

And if your husband can sit around and relax with the ipad while others watch the kids, why can't you?

Also, from what you described they aren't mean to you. They don't insult you. You think they are shallow and they seem to overwhelm you. I get that this may be frustrating. But why you have to fight about it with your husband every time makes no sense to me. If they were saying offensive things it would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like that's the issue. You know what to expect from them. You know they drive you crazy. Vent to a girlfriend about it, not your husband.