Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you can't force it, and I have a FIL who chooses not to engage with our kid with no physical inability to do so, but why do they bother to visit then? What exactly do they think is going to happen on a visit to a house with very young children who can't do museum visits and such. My ILs have the expectation that our 4 year old, whom they have no interest in reading to, watching a show with, anything, should be silent and leave them in complete peace while they read their books or play on their iPads. In our house. If she so much as asks one of us, not them as she has long stopped trying, to read, play or take her to the park, they sigh audibly and roll their eyes at the interruption.

Why visit? What purpose does it serve?

So they can tell their friends that they visited you. If you don't want them to visit, just let them know.

Pp your ils should stay at a hotel and you and you dh should only bother to meet them for a meal or two. They are guests in your home but treat your dc rudely. I would not let them treat my child like a second class citizen.

Well, how they treat our child is an entire subject in and of itself that causes many issues in our household. Not playing with her and acting exasperated when she acts like a child in her own home are just the tip of the iceberg. If they treat #2 differently when he arrives because he's a boy (which I suspect they will) we'll be having WWIII in our house.

And in our case, it's not for photo ops. In 4 years worth of visits I think there are maybe 4-5 photos of our daughter with them. Honestly, they don't want to put down their books or iPads long enough to even snap a photo. So I really don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you can't force it, and I have a FIL who chooses not to engage with our kid with no physical inability to do so, but why do they bother to visit then? What exactly do they think is going to happen on a visit to a house with very young children who can't do museum visits and such. My ILs have the expectation that our 4 year old, whom they have no interest in reading to, watching a show with, anything, should be silent and leave them in complete peace while they read their books or play on their iPads. In our house. If she so much as asks one of us, not them as she has long stopped trying, to read, play or take her to the park, they sigh audibly and roll their eyes at the interruption.

Why visit? What purpose does it serve?

So they can tell their friends that they visited you. If you don't want them to visit, just let them know.

+1 If you'd see the pictures, you'd think FIL is grandpa of the year. He stayed for a week and literally didn't spend more than 15 minutes with the kids. He made sure that the few times he held them someone would take a photo.

My father is 89 and in poor health. He can walk only very short distances (like around their ranch style house). We went on a cruise with our 3.5 yo twins and even though he spent most of the time in his wheelchair, he loved interacting with his twin grandchildren. One thought that grandpa's lap was his personal seat. We would go on excursions and he would stop us so that he could climb up into grandpa's lap and ride around (the other wanted to walk, but rode in grandpa's lap when he was tired of walking). I think my dad kind of wore himself out trying to play with the kids, pull them up into his lap (I asked him not to, but he insisted he was able to help them up). My dad can't really read to his grandkids very well since his eyesight is not so great anymore. He can read for a short time like menus and short things, but a whole book, even a children's book is a little much of a strain. But he plays with them and he listens when they babble at him about 19 different topics in 12 seconds. And they take pride that they "show" grandpa all the interesting things he's not paying attention to. The three of them have a blast together and mostly Dad just sits and lets the kids "drive". At this stage in their life, they want adult attention and he's got plenty of that to give.

Anonymous wrote:My FIL does not play with my 3 year old son and he has started to notice and say things like "grandpa doesn't play, he watches tv" My FIL is a nice guy but he's had some health challenges, is older, and is sometimes visibly distressed by typical toddler stuff. I'm curious to know what others would so in this situation. I want him to have a relationship with his grandpa but not if it stresses them both out. MIL would probably come to our house to see him.

Ask FIL if there's anything he'd like to do.
Can your husband work this out?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you can't force it, and I have a FIL who chooses not to engage with our kid with no physical inability to do so, but why do they bother to visit then? What exactly do they think is going to happen on a visit to a house with very young children who can't do museum visits and such. My ILs have the expectation that our 4 year old, whom they have no interest in reading to, watching a show with, anything, should be silent and leave them in complete peace while they read their books or play on their iPads. In our house. If she so much as asks one of us, not them as she has long stopped trying, to read, play or take her to the park, they sigh audibly and roll their eyes at the interruption.

Why visit? What purpose does it serve?

So they can tell their friends that they visited you. If you don't want them to visit, just let them know.

Pp your ils should stay at a hotel and you and you dh should only bother to meet them for a meal or two. They are guests in your home but treat your dc rudely. I would not let them treat my child like a second class citizen.

Anonymous wrote:I understand you can't force it, and I have a FIL who chooses not to engage with our kid with no physical inability to do so, but why do they bother to visit then? What exactly do they think is going to happen on a visit to a house with very young children who can't do museum visits and such. My ILs have the expectation that our 4 year old, whom they have no interest in reading to, watching a show with, anything, should be silent and leave them in complete peace while they read their books or play on their iPads. In our house. If she so much as asks one of us, not them as she has long stopped trying, to read, play or take her to the park, they sigh audibly and roll their eyes at the interruption.

Why visit? What purpose does it serve?

So they can tell their friends that they visited you. If you don't want them to visit, just let them know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's okay. Some grandpas don't like to play. Don't force it.

Live and let live OP.

+ 1

My FIL won't play with my kids until they can play golf. And by the time we reach that stage, I'm guessing FIL will no longer be able to play. It is what it is.

Anonymous wrote:I understand you can't force it, and I have a FIL who chooses not to engage with our kid with no physical inability to do so, but why do they bother to visit then? What exactly do they think is going to happen on a visit to a house with very young children who can't do museum visits and such. My ILs have the expectation that our 4 year old, whom they have no interest in reading to, watching a show with, anything, should be silent and leave them in complete peace while they read their books or play on their iPads. In our house. If she so much as asks one of us, not them as she has long stopped trying, to read, play or take her to the park, they sigh audibly and roll their eyes at the interruption.

Why visit? What purpose does it serve?

The purpose is to see the children and the grandchildren. They visit because they feel like that's what they're supposed to do.

MIL does not play with DD, but always feeds her. That's her love language and that's fine.

Anonymous wrote:The emotional part of me wants him to have a relationship with his grandson.

Stop trying to dictate what their relationship ought to be, with buying particular books or whatever. honestly sounds like you are trying to hard. Just let them be. They will have their own relationship. You can't micromanage it. You are the only who sounds unhappy with this.

*what cousins and siblings are for

None of my grandparents played with me. That's with cousins and siblings are four. I related to my parents on their level - going to church with them, helping them in the kitchen. They didn't get down in the floor and play Legos with me.

Teach your kid to be less self centered. The world does not revolve around him.

I don't have anything helpful to suggest. I will note that not everyone appreciates kids at all stages -- but just because Grandpa doesn't play now doesn't mean he won't as your son gets older. My own husband didn't really know what to do with our daughter until she was 5 or so, old enough to play a simplified UNO and other games.

Anonymous wrote:Would it be possible to leave the TV off? Maybe, the house rules become that there is no TV while you have guests (rule directed at your child), so that everyone can engage in conversation. Or, go somewhere together. Even if grandpa is sitting on bench, there's a greater chance he'll engage your son.

Well, that's a source of tension. MIL wants it off when our son is visiting FIL doesn't. His only real interest is golf, watching and playing. We bought him a putting practice thing to do with DS, they haven't tried yet. Most of me understands, he had kids older, worked hard and is retired. The emotional part of me wants him to have a relationship with his grandson. I think I will invite them over more (though he has never come in the past) and maybe I'll give them a second tv.