10:01 That's problematic, to focus on income. I'd factor in HHI, net worth, inheritance prospects, the full picture.

Anonymous wrote:you sound like a good guy! she should still pay her 30%. it was the daughters decision after all.

Fortunately, OP chose otherwise and everyone will be better for it.

I'm thinking the approach should be each parent pays an equal amount of their income towards college tuition...not a percentage of the tuition itself. It makes sense that way, it's fair and everything else just seems strange to me. If you make 100k and give 10% and she makes 50k and gives 10% you are both out fair amounts of money...just pick whatever percentage is enough to pay for college.

Then again if money is no issue for you and it is for your ex then paying all is what I would do in your position. I have always thought of co-parenting in that way: each partner gives whatever they can. For one giving 5k might be just as hard as for the other giving 100k.

It's also a good lesson for others (behavior modeling) but in setting expectations. When saying 70/30 or even 50/50, it's probably a better idea to say "I can cover 30% of the tuition of a state school." If the kid wants something more he/she might need to look at loans to cover the difference, if the other parent can't or won't cover the additional costs.

We are still married (barely...sigh) but even our mutual plan addresses that. We plan to offer 100% of college costs...for a state school. If our kid wants an expensive out of state or private program, then the balance is not on our shoulders or conscience.

OP.

Make the offer, to cover tuition. You are wonderful!

OP, are you sure you're a man from planet Earth? You sound far too reasonable and nice to be an Earthman. I think you are from another galaxy with a parallel universe.

you sound like a good guy! she should still pay her 30%. it was the daughters decision after all.

Op here. Thanks for all the input. I think its only fair to point out our "great co parenting relationship" comes after 10 years of working on it! It wasn't always easy. Anyhow, we decided a fixed amount this time around and up to that fixed amount the next two times. Good luck to all in similar situations; they grow up too fast!

I love this - sounds like you have a great relationship with your ex-wife. I think if you asked her to pay 30% of the in-state tuition, that would be a nice gesture. I think it's ok to say, "we'll have to take this on a case-by-case basis for the next two, since sometimes financial situations change." Most people would understand that.

Be aware, though, that your kids may be conscious of what you spend on the first kid and they may expect you to help pay for out-of-state tuition for them too. When I found out my dad had paid a lot more for my younger sister and brother, I got kind of annoyed. (I went to a more expensive school on scholarship, but rent was really exorbitant - it would have been nice to have had a little more help.)

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you single? We all want to marry you now

+1. Good to your ex, taking care of your kids' college beyond what you agreed to, AND the kicker - still fond of the ex-in laws?!

Be still my beating heart.

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you single? We all want to marry you now

The matchmaker in me was thinking how nice it would be if nice, reasonable OP and his nice, reasonable ex would rekindle their romance & remarry.

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are lucky to have you both - you sound so supportive of your kids! My parents had no agreement, so my dad (and scholarships and loans) footed the bill. Apparently my mom came out with "my college $$" a few years back, to my dismay... maybe I could have gone to a fancier school than local state school? Haha, semi-bitter, but laughing about it really (I turned out fine!). My mom made more than twice what my dad made and just bought me clothes and food once in a while.

Very lucky.

DW's parents divorced about 5 yrs before she and sibs went to college. Due to variations in income, FIL got stuck with the bills. MIL had PLENTY of money to help support the kids in any way thru college- books, spending money, meal plan, etc.

She didn't give them a penny. She bought a vacation home.

I always have, always will judge her for that.

I call troll because I can't believe how healthy and functional this relationship sounds.

Good for you, OP. You sound like a stand-up guy.

OP, are you single? We all want to marry you now

OP - A shout out to your as a Great Dad, Great EX and Thoughtful EX SIL. You and your former wife sound like you are respectful and mature adults both as parents and in relationship to one another. And making a sound estimate of what will work with not just the oldest, but your three children is really equitable and fair to all. If one or more did a state school and you had the fund to keep everything equal, you could always give money towards a car purchase or grad school if it came up. Be proud of yourselves for showing the way it can be done!!!