OP here. Mom works outside the home. Dad eats small portions of everything and I think does not eat much during the day. I am fully aware the behavior is sickening. I don't think neice is in any physical harm. He is fully functional all day long. After the drink, he does the weird dinner ritual and then goes upstairs to bed. I think if I refused to be a party to it I would get a lecture about not being a dutiful daughter (parents are immigrants from Asia) and a guilt trip about how dad is old and I should look after him better. The whole situation makes my blood boil.

Asian chances this. Caring for your father(as in feed him) is a big part of the older traditions. You will not be able to change your mother on this. She will take your fathers side. Go lightly here. You may need to spend a lot more time with them to understand what's going. Could he be sick?

Anonymous wrote:Although your Mom made her bed you can give her a much deserved break for the week. I would do it for my mom so she can look back on a pleasant week with her much loved daughter and granddaughter. Otherwise her life sounds pretty miserable.

This.

These are really tough situations. You have to remember that the current situation has evolved over the course of your parents marriage(20/30 years?). As such, I would let your mother enjoy the granddaughter. If you make to big of a deal out of it, it can blow up in your face. This is not a tell him off and huge your mother, see you next time thing. It will take a lot of time and energy to reverse 20/30 years.

It sounds infuriating. It sounds to me like you are wanting to do this for your mom but worried that doing so makes you a pushover (I'm probably projecting though, because I think that's how I'd be feeling). If it's something you are choosing to do for your mom, then I don't think it makes you a pushover. If you standing up to your dad would actually help the situation somehow, that's one thing, but it sounds like it wouldn't, and if making toast isn't the hill you want to die on, then it doesn't have to be.

OP here. Mom works outside the home. Dad eats small portions of everything and I think does not eat much during the day. I am fully aware the behavior is sickening. I don't think neice is in any physical harm. He is fully functional all day long. After the drink, he does the weird dinner ritual and then goes upstairs to bed. I think if I refused to be a party to it I would get a lecture about not being a dutiful daughter (parents are immigrants from Asia) and a guilt trip about how dad is old and I should look after him better. The whole situation makes my blood boil.

OP, it is up to you whether this is a battle that is worth it to you. How would he react if you refused? Anger? Some kind of behavior that you wouldn't want your niece to witness? That is what I would focus on in the short term. Long term, I agree you might want to consider a more comprehensive and non-enabling strategy.

Also, how much does he eat?! How is he able to eat so much?

Does mom work outside the house?

Anonymous wrote:tell him he can put a piece of fucking bread in the toaster and butter his god damn toast. holy fuck.

+1 Have to say I read about a lot of crazy jerks on this site, but for some reason this one really gets to me. I found myself fantasizing about being in the room with this horrible man and how much I would like to tell him off.
OP, I hope all of the responses you are getting are helping you see this from an outsiders perspective and realize how deeply wrong this whole set up with your father is.

tell him he can put a piece of fucking bread in the toaster and butter his god damn toast. holy fuck.

Anonymous wrote:The big picture is that your family needs a better way to deal with your father's behavior. But in the short term, give your mom a break. You can see that she adores her grandchild and you taking a stand will deny her time with that grandchild. It's not going to change your father or make her life any better. Give her this gift.

Agree. For long term, you absolutely need to arrange for times for your mom to come visit you solo, for her to visit your sister's family solo. If dad has to come along, he had to behave and can't expect five meals. Your family need to be firm about this and stand up for your mom. Anything less is enabling your alcoholic father.

I strongly suggest you and your sister get in touch with Al-Alon. You guys needs support and tools to deal with this toxic situation.

The big picture is that your family needs a better way to deal with your father's behavior. But in the short term, give your mom a break. You can see that she adores her grandchild and you taking a stand will deny her time with that grandchild. It's not going to change your father or make her life any better. Give her this gift.

Anonymous wrote:You are a guest in your parent's home and he's ordering you to cook him food?

Can you re-direct him? Say, "Dad come read a book with us!" or "Sure, want to help me? We can cook together." or just change the subject entirely and ask about his day.

Yes, this strategy works well with a drunken person.

The issue is why your sister is living her child in a house with an active, volatile alcoholic.
WTF!
All of you need to be in AL-ANON. Do you realize that your entire post consists of "how" do we enable this dysfunction?
I say this as a grandchild of an alcoholic and I very clearly remember being a little kid and my parent(whose parent was alcoholic) GOING THE F*** when said addict started on some drunken tirade.
Nahhh -- your issue is not whether or not cook dinner.

You are a guest in your parent's home and he's ordering you to cook him food?

Can you re-direct him? Say, "Dad come read a book with us!" or "Sure, want to help me? We can cook together." or just change the subject entirely and ask about his day.

This is really sad. I agree with the ideas of having mom and niece come to your house. Dad is a grown man and can feed himself.