Anonymous wrote:Start by not making this so black and white. Get therapy.

If he is at all committed to making the marriage work therapy can help you.

Yes, you both could use someone to facilitate a conversation. It can help if you find a great therapist.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just returned home. Having an anxuety attack, because I don't want to say the wrong thing. Spent this week working on trying not to be percieved as critical or naggy when I came home, but knowing I just get from DH whatever he is gonna do. I can never ask for anything different. We do have a counseling appointment this week.

Just thought I would share a few of things things as they come up. While we were gone, DH put ant poison on the sink DD washes her hands in. We keep a stool under it. She sometimes plays for a minute in the sink. The poison was completely accessible, bright orange, and in plain sight. Normally, I would have mentioned to DH that we probably wanted to hide it somewhere else. Tonight, I just wiped it off and will say nothing as to not be perceived as crticizing him.

It I would have said something, he would have loomed at me with a stone cold face like I was a nut. Before the fight, I would have just expected someone to say "oh, that didn't occur to me."

Question for you. In the realm of "always thinks he's right" the examples you have given all have to do with safety of your child. Is that the only area where he makes errors that he refuses to correct, or are those just the type that you have given as examples.

I totally get how frustrating this is for you, OP, but I do also think, as PPs have pointed out, that you might have gotten yourself into a vicious circle with DH on communication. If you are also asking for him to apologize for all errors, even ones that have nothing to do with child safety, then he's just going to be 100% defensive 100% of the time and not be able to distinguish between "difference of opinion" vs. "legitimate safety concern."

I do think counseling would be super helpful for both of you to help change the dynamics of the way you communicate. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid.

OP, this is a problem. I think this is a problem you have with you.

Is there adultery? addiction? abuse?. The 3 A's, those are good reasons for divorce.

Otherwise, you may be trying to use emotional blackmail to your advantage.

"Your feelings" that everyone has to tip toe around.

You have zero clue about how it is to live with a person who thinks himself perfect and who doesn't think that he ever makes a mistake.

Count yourself lucky that you don't.

Anonymous wrote:I get it now. He can admit no fault, and nothing I say will change that. But, I need it. I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid. Staying with my parents for awhile. I am not sure I can go back home and deal with this issue. We have a toddler, who is with me.

Can I successfully live in a situation where my partner never admits fault and I am the ass for bringing up when DH does anything that upsets me? How do I live in a situation where he is allowed to do anything he wants and I am not allowed to be upset about anything?

No, I don't think it's possible. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:I get it now. He can admit no fault, and nothing I say will change that. But, I need it. I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid. Staying with my parents for awhile. I am not sure I can go back home and deal with this issue. We have a toddler, who is with me.

Can I successfully live in a situation where my partner never admits fault and I am the ass for bringing up when DH does anything that upsets me? How do I live in a situation where he is allowed to do anything he wants and I am not allowed to be upset about anything?

Consciously or not he is setting you up to live in this situation and it is a manipulation. You do have a right to be annoyed by a child on a counter getting burned by toaster and ant poison in the sink she uses. These are things a thoughtful person would have avoided. And while he won't do these exact things again, there will be other thoughtless things. But the situation your husband has set up makes it impossible for you to say anything.

YOU are the one walking on eggshells. Is he worried about the next stupid thing he might do because he refuses to pay attention, or worried about hurting your feelings with his childish response the next time you say something? No, he's not.

Look back on some of the marriage counseling threads before you pin all your hopes on that. If you can both go to individual therapists, that may be the way to go.

The crappiest part of the whole thing is, as a pp mentioned, that in a divorce your dd will be alone with him at least part of the time and you will be constantly worried about what's going on, not to mention, missing your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:You will parent differently

Is he really a danger? OP, you're not giving us much to work with. Yes, probably children have mis-aps more often in the care of someone other than the mother. And life goes on. The child is fine and will grow to adulthood.

please tell me that's a typo and you know the word is "mishaps".

OP here. Just returned home. Having an anxuety attack, because I don't want to say the wrong thing. Spent this week working on trying not to be percieved as critical or naggy when I came home, but knowing I just get from DH whatever he is gonna do. I can never ask for anything different. We do have a counseling appointment this week.

Just thought I would share a few of things things as they come up. While we were gone, DH put ant poison on the sink DD washes her hands in. We keep a stool under it. She sometimes plays for a minute in the sink. The poison was completely accessible, bright orange, and in plain sight. Normally, I would have mentioned to DH that we probably wanted to hide it somewhere else. Tonight, I just wiped it off and will say nothing as to not be perceived as crticizing him.

It I would have said something, he would have loomed at me with a stone cold face like I was a nut. Before the fight, I would have just expected someone to say "oh, that didn't occur to me."

Anonymous wrote:Counseling. Is he a perfectionist? From a blame oriented family? Both pertain to me and it's been hard to admit fault and acknowledge when I'm wrong because I get very defensive. But have learned the power of a simple @im
Sorry, you are right. I was wrong to ...."

Took so e couples therapy for us to recognize our patterns (and we both contributed--DH had a way if expressing dissatisfaction that felt like blame. He now tries to use "i" statements and I try to accept his feelings and my part in it all.

Dont despair, we worked thru it.you can too.

Ah, this. This perfectly explains my boyfriend! He is always defensive because of the relationship between him and his father. You just showed me the light, PP. Thank you!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid.

OP, this is a problem. I think this is a problem you have with you.

Is there adultery? addiction? abuse?. The 3 A's, those are good reasons for divorce.

Otherwise, you may be trying to use emotional blackmail to your advantage.

"Your feelings" that everyone has to tip toe around.

It is not as simple as that. Example, I explain I want him to move DC off the counter, because he is using the toaster and I am worries she will get burned. He says he is watching. She gets burned. Never ever will he say, oops or maybe I should have chosen differently. He will never admit his choices led to her getting hurt.

Repeat this over and over. And I am not allowed to get upset after incidents like the toaster. There is no acknowledgement of responsibility, which is how normal people live.

See, and because there is no acknowledgement of his responsibility, he feels like it is my feelings he is tip toing around.

I did tell him marriage counseling is a condition of my return. I hope some pp's are right and that it could work for us. I know the problems are not all him, but we can't even talk about our problems when one person cannot accept their role in them.

Why is it so important to you that he does? Your insistence on this is equally intransigent as his refusal to do so. It becomes a battle of wills -- with you determined to extract a pound of flesh, and his reluctance to give you the satisfaction. This reaction/behavior is also common among men whose wives nag.

In those kinds of situations, DH knows he was wrong and made a mistake. ARe these kinds of mistakes repeated? If not, you just want him to say "You told me so!" so that you win. This is a screwed up dynamic. Sometimes DH tells me "careful, X might happen" and I don't listen and something happens. He doesn't expect me to grovel.

+1 DH and I are different personalities, if I do something wrong my nature is to beat mysrlf up, whereas his attitude is that 'you never know until you try, just learning'
As long as there is no repetition of mistakes, it should be fine.

OP, I dated a man like this. He was a self-centered, entitled, egostistical man-child who had been taught by his family, his football buddies, his frat brothers and colleagues and all the painfully insecure girls he'd dated that he could do no wrong and that others exist to serve his needs. He was never in the wrong, we were just oversensitive ("we" meaning all the women he had ever dated) for misinterpreting him.

And when I realized I could not fix him, I ran. I'm dating a much more mature man now, and I'm happier. You need to run.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid.

OP, this is a problem. I think this is a problem you have with you.

Is there adultery? addiction? abuse?. The 3 A's, those are good reasons for divorce.

Otherwise, you may be trying to use emotional blackmail to your advantage.

"Your feelings" that everyone has to tip toe around.

It is not as simple as that. Example, I explain I want him to move DC off the counter, because he is using the toaster and I am worries she will get burned. He says he is watching. She gets burned. Never ever will he say, oops or maybe I should have chosen differently. He will never admit his choices led to her getting hurt.

Repeat this over and over. And I am not allowed to get upset after incidents like the toaster. There is no acknowledgement of responsibility, which is how normal people live.

See, and because there is no acknowledgement of his responsibility, he feels like it is my feelings he is tip toing around.

I did tell him marriage counseling is a condition of my return. I hope some pp's are right and that it could work for us. I know the problems are not all him, but we can't even talk about our problems when one person cannot accept their role in them.

Why is it so important to you that he does? Your insistence on this is equally intransigent as his refusal to do so. It becomes a battle of wills -- with you determined to extract a pound of flesh, and his reluctance to give you the satisfaction. This reaction/behavior is also common among men whose wives nag.

In those kinds of situations, DH knows he was wrong and made a mistake. ARe these kinds of mistakes repeated? If not, you just want him to say "You told me so!" so that you win. This is a screwed up dynamic. Sometimes DH tells me "careful, X might happen" and I don't listen and something happens. He doesn't expect me to grovel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid.

OP, this is a problem. I think this is a problem you have with you.

Is there adultery? addiction? abuse?. The 3 A's, those are good reasons for divorce.

Otherwise, you may be trying to use emotional blackmail to your advantage.

"Your feelings" that everyone has to tip toe around.

It is not as simple as that. Example, I explain I want him to move DC off the counter, because he is using the toaster and I am worries she will get burned. He says he is watching. She gets burned. Never ever will he say, oops or maybe I should have chosen differently. He will never admit his choices led to her getting hurt.

Repeat this over and over. And I am not allowed to get upset after incidents like the toaster. There is no acknowledgement of responsibility, which is how normal people live.

See, and because there is no acknowledgement of his responsibility, he feels like it is my feelings he is tip toing around.

I did tell him marriage counseling is a condition of my return. I hope some pp's are right and that it could work for us. I know the problems are not all him, but we can't even talk about our problems when one person cannot accept their role in them.

Why is it so important to you that he does? Your insistence on this is equally intransigent as his refusal to do so. It becomes a battle of wills -- with you determined to extract a pound of flesh, and his reluctance to give you the satisfaction. This reaction/behavior is also common among men whose wives nag.

+1

I'm not excusing the husband's attitude, but that's exactly what this sounds like. The relationship may be stuck in an unhealthy dynamic here OP feels unheard and the DH feels constantly belittled.

I'd really try couple's counseling. It's possibly he's just an ass, but it's also possible that both of you may have blind spots that are making it difficult to get out of this rut.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid.

OP, this is a problem. I think this is a problem you have with you.

Is there adultery? addiction? abuse?. The 3 A's, those are good reasons for divorce.

Otherwise, you may be trying to use emotional blackmail to your advantage.

"Your feelings" that everyone has to tip toe around.

It is not as simple as that. Example, I explain I want him to move DC off the counter, because he is using the toaster and I am worries she will get burned. He says he is watching. She gets burned. Never ever will he say, oops or maybe I should have chosen differently. He will never admit his choices led to her getting hurt.

Repeat this over and over. And I am not allowed to get upset after incidents like the toaster. There is no acknowledgement of responsibility, which is how normal people live.

See, and because there is no acknowledgement of his responsibility, he feels like it is my feelings he is tip toing around.

I did tell him marriage counseling is a condition of my return. I hope some pp's are right and that it could work for us. I know the problems are not all him, but we can't even talk about our problems when one person cannot accept their role in them.

Why is it so important to you that he does? Your insistence on this is equally intransigent as his refusal to do so. It becomes a battle of wills -- with you determined to extract a pound of flesh, and his reluctance to give you the satisfaction. This reaction/behavior is also common among men whose wives nag.

You never noticed this particular personality trait of his before now OP? Before you said "I do"?

You will parent differently

Is he really a danger? OP, you're not giving us much to work with. Yes, probably children have mis-aps more often in the care of someone other than the mother. And life goes on. The child is fine and will grow to adulthood.